Self-harm and suicide

[zer05mdy]

lockdown is definitely not my friend for self harm urges. i'm at the point where i have so much free time that i am doing it just to do and feel something. it's definitely getting out of hand and i'm not looking forward to things going back to normal (work, college, being out in public, etc.) and having to figure out how not to rely on it so much.

 

[Spacing Out]

I just thought of this and wanted to ask, sorry - does anyone else here find most of the release from the bleeding? Like, I do actually kind of like the pain, but it's frustrating when there's no blood. I think the majority of the SH is about that, and I've determined (a while ago) that the reason alternatives don't work is because they don't actually produce any blood. It doesn't need to hurt a lot, as long as I bleed. I don't think the doctors or hotline people or anyone I talk to understand that.I kind of just thought I was weird or faking it somehow (I feel very fraudulent about my SH) but now I'm not so sure.

 

[zer05mdy]

does anyone else here find most of the release from the bleeding?

Definitely. I feel like my cuts aren't as valid if there isn't a lot of blood, which everyone's like "they are still valid" but it's definitely the focal point for me when I do it rather than the pain as well. As much as the pain feels like an added bonus for me I get the most release out of watching myself bleed. I was told to dip an ice cube in red dye when I rub it on my arm, but I cannot trick my brain into doing that as a form of harm reduction.

 

[Oh so tired]

I just thought of this and wanted to ask, sorry - does anyone else here find most of the release from the bleeding? Like, I do actually kind of like the pain, but it's frustrating when there's no blood. I think the majority of the SH is about that, and I've determined (a while ago) that the reason alternatives don't work is because they don't actually produce any blood. It doesn't need to hurt a lot, as long as I bleed. I don't think the doctors or hotline people or anyone I talk to understand that.I kind of just thought I was weird or faking it somehow (I feel very fraudulent about my SH) but now I'm not so sure.

You are not alone, I also feel the need to see the blood, and if it doesn't bleed enough I feel like I've failed in my attempt. Maybe the blood is a visual representation of our hurt? I don't know. Whatever your reasons for self-harm and how you experience it , it is real, you are not fraudulent, a small scratch or a deeper cut, you are still hurting yourself for whatever reason. I'm sorry for your pain. Know that you aren't alone in this.

 

[Crabsarecool?]

Anyone self-harm to suppress suicidal thoughts/urges? It is getting a bit out of hand here at the moment. It is difficult to manage at the moment in lockdown as I'm trying to avoid visiting the hospital for stitches.

I've been doing that quite a bit it's getting hard for all of us

 

[Spacing Out]

You are not alone, I also feel the need to see the blood, and if it doesn't bleed enough I feel like I've failed in my attempt. Maybe the blood is a visual representation of our hurt? I don't know. Whatever your reasons for self-harm and how you experience it , it is real, you are not fraudulent, a small scratch or a deeper cut, you are still hurting yourself for whatever reason. I'm sorry for your pain. Know that you aren't alone in this.

That actually helps a lot, thank you. It's really easy to feel broken with this sort of thing, especially with the system we've got. And the same goes for you - I'm sorry for the pain that's brought you to this point, too. You're not alone, either. It's kind of nice to see that, even if the circumstances are... maybe not the best.

Definitely. I feel like my cuts aren't as valid if there isn't a lot of blood, which everyone's like "they are still valid" but it's definitely the focal point for me when I do it rather than the pain as well. As much as the pain feels like an added bonus for me I get the most release out of watching myself bleed. I was told to dip an ice cube in red dye when I rub it on my arm, but I cannot trick my brain into doing that as a form of harm reduction.

I get that. It's definitely still valid, but it's not quite... it. Not enough, I guess. I'm the same way, if it's not enough blood, I feel like there's no point or that nothing happened anyway (which it certainly did, but not for my brain). I get it on the ice cube. I've never tried dipping it in red dye, but I have tried doing it with red pen. It's almost worse, like I need the real thing. I can't trick my brain into harm reduction, either. It's dead set (ignore the morbid pun lmao). I'm glad, despite the circumstances, that I'm not alone... I am sorry for your pain, though, as someone who also struggles. I don't really mean it in a pitying way, just like... it sucks. I'm sorry it's there.

 

[Blackpoolbootz]

Realy appreciate people speaking openly. Encouraged to shear our feelings but when it comes to sh and s, it's totally taboo and get sensored by other sites and help groups x

 

[enlightened_suicide]

I use to Self harm a lot when I was younger and it was more for me letting out my emotions (since I was numb and couldn't cry) but for the past couple of years it has been to suppress suicidal urges, and I had stopped SH for the end of 2018 and part of '19 but it's bc I had a couple attempts during those times, and I have not had an attempt since July, but my cycle of attempts has caught up to me really strong here lately, and this quarantine has made it alot worse.
I have not gone more than 3-6 mos without an attempt in a couple years..(before I had this forum to see what I was doing wrong and/or being found) but I am now in the 9th month of no attempts.. but I have started cutting again to try and deter it, but it's like it becomes an addiction in the same sense, I just know that it won't suffice for very long. I also agree with feeling the need to see blood, that seems to be my "favorite part", it's like I have to see the blood or I feel like I didn't accomplish anything :(

 

[Klee]

You have done well to avoid hospital, it sounds like you have things under control. Before the lockdown I was at minor injuries at least once a week for stitches, it was getting seriously embarrassing as the staff there would recognise me. Though I was fortunate that I was mostly treated with kindness. Are you in the UK? I have also struggled to get hold of dressings etc.

I'm so glad that they treated you kindly, I think (and hope) they are becoming more understanding than they have been in previous years. I am in the UK. You can get some pretty sturdy steri-strips/butterfly bandages online, I had to resort to online shopping for first aid supplies! The mail is so slow now, but they come eventually.

 

[FullCircle]

I've self harmed off and on since I was 15, and I'm 28 now. Lately it's been only a few times a year. Last year I ended up in the ER with 10 stitches cause I wouldn't stop bleeding.
It helps for a while but ultimately just makes things worse. I'm covered in scars that will never go away. It's not worth it.

I do a lot. Taught myself to stitch it up so long as it's somewhere I can use both hands. Stops the hospital visits if nothing else. Hugely out of control with it all but honestly, not sure I'm bothered to get back in control

How'd you learn to stitch yourself? I like to learn to avoid a hospital visit.