Venting Self-Gaslighting

[OutOfThisBody]

Even when I'm by myself and feeling horrible about why I want to kill myself a part of me will squash those feelings and tell me im stupid for thinking them and it makes me feel embarassed. Why can I not even agree with myself? Why can't I be on my own side? I feel like it comes from not wanting to show negative emotions around my parents because they would overreact.

But living in that gaslighted mindset is bad in its own way. It only happens because I want to please other people. It was similar in therapy, they would tell me how lazy I was and how I had to take responsibility and I would force myself to agree despite my embarassment at their words when really I didn't give a fuck. Why should I?

 

[Redacted24]

To me, it seems that much of how we spend our days is like a performance. We play our part, just like everyone else. When what we want to say differs from the script, we feel challenged to say what is in our hearts with clarity and honesty because the other cast members wouldn't know how to respond. And society doesn't know what to do either usually.
That's why places like this are so invaluable.
Here there are people that get it. It's empowering to have that.

Sorry it's not really much of an answer, but I struggle with wanting to be heard too and keep playing the role even though I'm so not that person others see in me.