Venting Selective mutism and suicide. The only fix?

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I've struggled with what has been described by a professional as selective mutism for years. But, because of this I don't actually have any mental health diagnosis'. Not anxiety. I have been told I have low mood. The fuck type of palm off is that?

I was told at 14 that my fear would never get better, that I'd be stuck like this for the rest of my life. Autism! But if so, why wasn't I always like this?

I remember being able to talk, and everything being okay and then just everything turnt upside down. My father lost his shit.

I have so many weird memories of memories and nightmares from that time, ones that make me feel guilty and sick, and just as small as I did back then.

So much had happened in the decade since then, I've made many mistakes ans gotten myself hurt many times — and hurt others too. But I've never told anyone, I can never tell anyone.

It's about contamination in a way, how horrifyingly dirty, how disgusting I've been and how others have been and if they were to ever find out then they wouldn't look at me the same

I hold so much resentment, what 9 year old needs unsupervised Internet access? I was a little kid Mum I didn't need to be talking to dirty people. I wanted him to love me I wanted you to love me I wanted to be loved and all anyone ever made clear to me was that I was fat.
I knew i was fat, fat people can usually tell they are fat and fat kids can usually tell they're being treated worse. Buut they probably don't know how superficial the world is.
I wasn't fat I was wrong and I was unlovable UNTIL I started doing that. Because even if they didn't. They didn't mean if but they'd say it. Saying it was good enough.
That's so fuckied up that's so fuckdx upthis is why I can't tell anyone - I know how messes up it is now a 9 year old is a little fucking child. A 9 year old knows nothing yet.


So maybe I'm a bit mad. Mad that you couldn't protect me then but you protect me now in the way of not letting me get an id or to outside without permission - you control us alot with your ocd and hey it's not your fault it's not your fault But I really can not keep sitting in this room hoping for a new outcome

I hate the if you have letters to write bullshit. Yeah I have letters to write. Doesn't mean I have to say, doesn't mean I have stuff to stay for

And it doesn't mean I'm ctbing because I don't have reasons to stay.

I want to live. I want to be a dad one day and I want to make sure my dogs loved fully until her last days, I want to see the people I love do what they're ambitions about.
I want more than anything to live.

I'm not conflicted. Its not that I want to die sometimes.

I know it's coming. I dont have to want it, this illness will kill me. I will kill me. I don't have a choice here.

I chose a month before my 18th birthday, funerals are discounted in the uk for under 18s. But I decided I'd try to get help.
I couldn't bring myself to fill out the form for therapy because it said they'd call me. I had a panic attack. I asked my mum for help, she's my carer, but it sounds silly. I should be able to do it. She hasn't helped and I can't tell of it's because I havnt tried hard enough or if she knows it won't help. She sees it all, every meltdown. Yet I can't tell her how close I am to this, I can't say goodbye.


Goodbye would let her stop me. It'll let her think I'm doing this for attention. I want nothing less. I just needed to be heard without it being connected to me and to her. I feel wrong and I always have. I know I always will.

I took the morning after pill 48 hours after having sex - it's been a week now and if it hasn't worked and I'm pregnant I really do like have to speed it up.. I can't do it. Can't talk. Can't access confidential health care w/o her, I honestly think alot of it comes from her and her preception of me and knowing exactly how she talks about others. But I love her dearly she's my best friend and I feel immense guilt for dumping her with the burden of finding yet another one of her kids in such a state.

Knowing your own death is coming is a rather scary feeling. Going through your lasts. I don't want to die. I'm trapped in this body and even that's detective.

 

[Dot]

Postng 'mum' mkes slf thnk tht u r in UK

If u nd hlp ovr phne bt r nervs callng bcse of mutsm -- whch slf also suffr wth -- dwnload Relay App & registr free of chrge - u cn typ on clls t/ n.e.1 & sme1 on phne tlks fr u - tht incldes socl clls or restrnts or doctrs or n.e.1

Hs mde bg dffrnce fr slf & mght hlp u whle u r tryn2 rech out fr hlp

 

[rainwillneverstop]

Postng 'mum' mkes slf thnk tht u r in UK

If u nd hlp ovr phne bt r nervs callng bcse of mutsm -- whch slf also suffr wth -- dwnload Relay App & registr free of chrge - u cn typ on clls t/ n.e.1 & sme1 on phne tlks fr u - tht incldes socl clls or restrnts or doctrs or n.e.1

Hs mde bg dffrnce fr slf & mght hlp u whle u r tryn2 rech out fr hlp

'translation'

Posting 'mum' makes me think you are in the UK.

If you need help over phone but are nervous calling because of mutism, which I also suffer with, download Relay app and register free of charge. You can type on calls to anyone and someone on phone talks for you. That includes social calls, restaurants, doctors or anyone.

Has made a big difference for me, and might hlep you while you are trying to reach out for help.