Story Second Death Anniversary of Abuser/Paedophile

[Kit1]

Today is the second death anniversary of one of the abusers/paedophile and I just want to die.

Ended my therapy sessions last Thursday - therapy kept me alive. I know that I need to be alive for two people that I am responsible for, but thus is just too painful. I don't think I can make it this week and I am too dirty and contaminated to be able to be associated with anyone - even my therapist was telling me last week that we only had 8 sessions left and offered to refer me to trauma clinic. I ended the sessions. Even she cannot work with me despite knowing how crap life is (though the decision about the sessions are down the psychiatric/psychological teams. She asked me if I brought the paracetamol that I have a habit of collecting (and I hadn't) and delivered this news. NHS doesn't care - why should they? No one else did - not my parents who abandoned me, all the abusers etc. Wish I had died at birth or that one of the rapists had just killed me as a child. The flashbacks have been relentless.

Just wish. I checked into this world alone. I tried my utter best to create something positive despite all the challenges. I failed miserably- I guess being contaminated by other people's crimes was never going to go away. That little girl was never going to be loved or worthy of being loved or even kept safe. Now it is time to check out of this world - but at least, that little girl will be free of pain now. No one can hurt her anymore - the clinical psychologist, GP and the NHS couldn't even help her and turned her away. I came alone - unwanted. Leaving alone - unwanted.

Just wanted to share how I felt as I realise that there isn't a single person in this world that I can talk to about before I go. Thank you for listening to me.

I really hope that everything works out for you and somehow you manage to find a way to be happy or at least be content and at peace. Take care.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. It sounds as if you have been treated monstrously in life. That little girl was always worthy of love and being kept safe. You were just failed utterly by the people around you. And it seems to have continued too. I'm so sorry.

 

[mortuarymary]

You can talk to me. life failed you don't let it fail your future too.

 

[Kit1]

I cannot do this anymore. The pain is just unbearable and I have the means and a sure 100% guarantee that I can definitely die. I am not scared of dying. I am not bothered about what happens after death. In this life, I have tried my best to look after and serve the people I have met and have not knowingly hurt anyone. So whatever happens after death doesn't bother me - I know that I have tried my best. I feel dirty and contaminated because of what was done to that little girl and never seem to be able to sop the flashbacks, nightmares or dissociation. I honestly thought that the clinical.psychologist will work with me till I learnt to manage and at least, reset my level of resilience to the level it was at before covid (which is when the complex PTSD deteriorated). But clearly she cannot so that given the parameters within which she works in (NHS rules and I cannot afford to pay for private therapy). And to be honest, no one cares once they see me as a complex case. Death is the only solution.

But I am a mother of the two most wonderful children and all these years, I stayed for them. I inly turned to NHS for support when I realised that I was struggling to keep myself alive - and essentially keeping me alive is not a priority for them (they are my children and my responsibility). I just wish I could find a way to stay alive.

But I am out of options now. Just feel like a monster condemning my children's future by ending my life to meet my selfish needs. I guess that contamination throughout childhood - that poison never left me and I am just being heartless. They deserved a good, genuine mum and they love me unconditionally (as I love them unconditionally) and wish they had a good person who was their mum.who would have stayed no matter what - wish I had the strength to carry on living for them.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I guess being contaminated by other people's crimes was never going to go away. That little girl was never going to be loved or worthy of being loved or even kept safe. Now it is time to check out of this world - but at least, that little girl will be free of pain now.

This part has me in tears. I can relate so very much to that feeling of being contaminated by other people's abuse. It's an insidious, toxic feeling that seeps into the very core of my being. I'm so very sorry you are experiencing this, that you didn't receive the love and protection you deserved. No-one should ever be subjected to CSA or any kind of abuse, and made to feel like this.

I wish I could help but understand all too well how the medical system, justice system and society overall sweeps victims under the rug and routinely lets them down. Over and over again. You deserved to be heard, understood and to receive the support you needed, and not to be subjected to time limited inadequate interventions. As if a few sessions could ever be sufficient for someone who has endured what you have.

It's an awful system and it's not your fault. They are unfit for purpose and have let you, me and many others in similar situations down. I understand exactly what you mean when you say "no one cares once they see me as a complex case." Once it reaches they point, people simply get written off and deemed a nuisance or too much work and it makes me so angry. Because no matter what, you deserve proper care and support.

You are not a monster, you sound like a loving, caring mum who clearly cherishes your children. You are hurting and in pain and deserve much, much better than the treatment you have received.

---

Edit: Sorry, forgot to add. Since you say that therapy is what kept you alive, would other trauma therapy resources be helpful for you? I understand why you ended your current sessions and I'm so sorry the NHS imposed a time limit on you, as it always does to people without considering how worthless, scared, helpless and horrible this can make them feel.

If there is any way alternative contacts and resources for therapy would be useful to you, I'm more than happy to send you some if there's any chance this could help.

 

[Kit1]

This part has me in tears. I can relate so very much to that feeling of being contaminated by other people's abuse. It's an insidious, toxic feeling that seeps into the very core of my being. I'm so very sorry you are experiencing this, that you didn't receive the love and protection you deserved. No-one should ever be subjected to CSA or any kind of abuse, and made to feel like this.

I wish I could help but understand all too well how the medical system, justice system and society overall sweeps victims under the rug and routinely lets them down. Over and over again. You deserved to be heard, understood and to receive the support you needed, and not to be subjected to time limited inadequate interventions. As if a few sessions could ever be sufficient for someone who has endured what you have.

It's an awful system and it's not your fault. They are unfit for purpose and have let you, me and many others in similar situations down. I understand exactly what you mean when you say "no one cares once they see me as a complex case." Once it reaches they point, people simply get written off and deemed a nuisance or too much work and it makes me so angry. Because no matter what, you deserve proper care and support.

You are not a monster, you sound like a loving, caring mum who clearly cherishes your children. You are hurting and in pain and deserve much, much better than the treatment you have received.

---

Edit: Sorry, forgot to add. Since you say that therapy is what kept you alive, would other trauma therapy resources be helpful for you? I understand why you ended your current sessions and I'm so sorry the NHS imposed a time limit on you, as it always does to people without considering how worthless, scared, helpless and horrible this can make them feel.

If there is any way alternative contacts and resources for therapy would be useful to you, I'm more than happy to send you some if there's any chance this could help.

I am so sorry that you were able to relate to my situation - it really is heart breaking to being this situation and I feel so sad how many of us are in a similar situation.

That is really kind of you to offer to share the resources that you have - the sad situation is that I work in a role where I support very vulnerable people and also commit to voluntary and charity work around supporting vulnerable people and actually have compiled a list of supportive resources in the UK that I share with people who need it. Yet when it comes to my own case, I keep getting told that I am "complex" - even Rape Crisis (Women & Girls Network) therapist who was brilliant had to write to my GP ending my therapy as there was concern about being "high risk of suicide", onolications around dissociation etc. I was seeing a clinical psychologist from the community mental health team (CMHT) on a weekly basis (when there was no training, annual leave etc) since latter part of 2022 and she was trying - the problem is that CMHT can only offer 8 more sessions and she did offer to refer me to the Tavistock Clinic which has a specialised Trauma clinic. My problem is that I keep getting passed around and booted away with a sympathetic, but firm "you are too complex" remark. I was abandoned at birth and then passed around to abusers (individuals and groups) from a minimum age of 2 and I managed to leave aged 14. I have massive trust issues and need consistency when it comes to therapists and doctors. Due to an accessibility challenge introduced by my GP's surgery during end of Summer 2023, I had to stop using GP's surgery and all.my medication. I cannot go to any A&E due to accessibility issues as well. The final straw is the clinical psychologist telling me about the 8 sessions (timing was not great with the 2nd year anniversary of the abuser being today) - so I simply told her to close my file and left it at that. What I dint understand is during the start of the meeting on Thursday, she asked me whether I had brought in the paracetamol stock that I have amassed as I have a habit of taking overdoses, but not enough to land me in hospital most of the time. She doesn't know about all the other meds I have and since last Thursday, I have managed to get some morphine as well. I am hard work and a total waste of space anyway. The time they spend with me - they could help a few other patients and make them.feel better. So I guess that it is only understandable how everything has worked out.

All day today, I have been swinging between flashbacks, trying to cope, planning my death and thinking of my children. I have just played some games with my youngest and she was laughing so much, telling me how much she loves me and being her bubbly self - how can I steal/destroy that innocence away from her. I have worked really hard to make sure that both my children feel loved, safe, free and really having the happy childhood that all childfen rightfully deserves. My death will destroy that happiness. And I know that I have no right to do that to them.

But I just simply cannot carry on. Bit death should only be my companion and not haunt my children.

I am so sorry about the long write up - I just feel absolutely lonel, rejected and abandoned all over again. It feels like that little girl who was kept captive against her will and used for horrible purposes in the worse kind of conditions and the intense feelings of helplessness is back. When she was being raped, beaten up, starved or when she was a homeless teenager, she never begged for help and begging for help is not going to start now. I would rather just die.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I am so sorry that you were able to relate to my situation - it really is heart breaking to being this situation and I feel so sad how many of us are in a similar situation.

That is really kind of you to offer to share the resources that you have - the sad situation is that I work in a role where I support very vulnerable people and also commit to voluntary and charity work around supporting vulnerable people and actually have compiled a list of supportive resources in the UK that I share with people who need it. Yet when it comes to my own case, I keep getting told that I am "complex" - even Rape Crisis (Women & Girls Network) therapist who was brilliant had to write to my GP ending my therapy as there was concern about being "high risk of suicide", onolications around dissociation etc. I was seeing a clinical psychologist from the community mental health team (CMHT) on a weekly basis (when there was no training, annual leave etc) since latter part of 2022 and she was trying - the problem is that CMHT can only offer 8 more sessions and she did offer to refer me to the Tavistock Clinic which has a specialised Trauma clinic. My problem is that I keep getting passed around and booted away with a sympathetic, but firm "you are too complex" remark. I was abandoned at birth and then passed around to abusers (individuals and groups) from a minimum age of 2 and I managed to leave aged 14. I have massive trust issues and need consistency when it comes to therapists and doctors. Due to an accessibility challenge introduced by my GP's surgery during end of Summer 2023, I had to stop using GP's surgery and all.my medication. I cannot go to any A&E due to accessibility issues as well. The final straw is the clinical psychologist telling me about the 8 sessions (timing was not great with the 2nd year anniversary of the abuser being today) - so I simply told her to close my file and left it at that. What I dint understand is during the start of the meeting on Thursday, she asked me whether I had brought in the paracetamol stock that I have amassed as I have a habit of taking overdoses, but not enough to land me in hospital most of the time. She doesn't know about all the other meds I have and since last Thursday, I have managed to get some morphine as well. I am hard work and a total waste of space anyway. The time they spend with me - they could help a few other patients and make them.feel better. So I guess that it is only understandable how everything has worked out.

All day today, I have been swinging between flashbacks, trying to cope, planning my death and thinking of my children. I have just played some games with my youngest and she was laughing so much, telling me how much she loves me and being her bubbly self - how can I steal/destroy that innocence away from her. I have worked really hard to make sure that both my children feel loved, safe, free and really having the happy childhood that all childfen rightfully deserves. My death will destroy that happiness. And I know that I have no right to do that to them.

But I just simply cannot carry on. Bit death should only be my companion and not haunt my children.

I am so sorry about the long write up - I just feel absolutely lonel, rejected and abandoned all over again. It feels like that little girl who was kept captive against her will and used for horrible purposes in the worse kind of conditions and the intense feelings of helplessness is back. When she was being raped, beaten up, starved or when she was a homeless teenager, she never begged for help and begging for help is not going to start now. I would rather just die.

No need to apologise for writing. I completely understand how awful it is to feel abandoned and rejected, to feel isolated and to not have people who understand. I'm sorry for the awful abuse and pain you were subjected to for so long, and from such an early age. To go through that and then be dismissed, discharged and passed from pillar to post...it's just unacceptable.

My own mental health team and related services over the years have used the "too complex" spiel on me too and I'm sorry this has happened to you. It hurts, it feels so deeply dismissive of the trauma and pain you were forced to endure and now the services that are supposed to help simply won't. As much as I understand the NHS abides by certain policies and procedures and limitations (and an overall shoddy system falling apart at the seams), it does feel like a fob off when they say "well, we can offer X number of sessions of CBT/DBT/counselling, but you're too complex for us." And once that door has been shut, it's hard to open any others as many organisations offering therapeutic support all do it too.

Mine eventually told me to piss off and call a suicide helpline (in slightly more polite words, of course). Then erased any record of that conversation from their file so that their own arses were covered (which I only know because I requested a copy of my medical records).

I won't assume how you interpreted it but for me, "too complex" translates into "you take up too many resources and you're not worth it. You're too broken." Even if it's not always intended that way, that's how it feels and being treated like a number, a sequence of traumatic events or a walking diagnosis and not a multifaceted person only compounds that.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have been let down so catastrophically by a fundamentally faulty healthcare system. It's not because of you and you are worth the time, energy, expense and resources. You are deserving of care and support, the love and warmth that the little girl who was abused and afraid didn't receive but absolutely should have received. And even if your situation is "complex," whose circumstances wouldn't be "complex" after a lifetime of abuse, quite frankly? It should never be an excuse to turn someone away. It doesn't diminish your worth as a human being and part of the problem is that we have a healthcare system that doesn't treat people like human beings.

I can tell just from reading your post that you do everything you can to remain and fight for your children. Your love and devotion shines through your words so strongly. And I'm so sorry that you're left feeling so trapped, unable to carry on. It fills me with sadness and rage that those who have been abused are often discarded and left to struggle on their own. It's like drowning and being told just swim, without being offered anything to stay afloat.

 

[Kit1]

Thank you for your understanding and for reaching out. Honestly that means a lot especially given how lonely and broken I am feeling at the moment. I am just so sorry that you had/have to deal with all this trauma as well. Take care.