Baby killer.

[Randomized_Username]

Im pro-choice. Always have been. Just knew I could never do it myself. Got myself knocked up by another narcissistic piece of shit. Thought I did good kicking him out before years of abuse like the last 2. Then I took the test. I let everyone, including myself convince me not to have it. So I made the decision on Tuesday to end it. I regretted it immediately, but have still been trying to let the extremely few, and mostly uncaring people convince me it was the right thing to do. I thought I was convinced too.. I thought I managed the guilt cuz I thought I met someone who would finally be by my side. Obviously, if you havent gathered this by now, im an incredibly stupid person. I am insanely lonely. And im not worth anybodies time. I know this. I wasn't even worth my parents time. I just forget sometimes when the loneliness gets too bad after years of isolation. But I already have a kid ive been alone with since I took that first test. I didnt have a village. Didn't have a family. But I figured it out. I could have figured it out again and not killed the sibling my child begged me for for so many years.
I fuck up everything. Everything I touch, turns to shit. Im like trump, except I want to help people, not just myself. But everything I do, I fail.
I told myself that even tho I failed myself, my child, and this new child by making this decision, at least I had professionals doing the "dirty work". I made the decision, but they killed them for me.
Then I got a call yesterday.
I dont even have to do anything apparently, the world just hates me so much, that once again ive been failed by medical professionals. They didnt get it all. And they dont know where the rest is.
Im in horrible pain. The child I wanted, that I thought I had killed, is now mutilated somewhere in this disgusting body. The body thats never been worth more than a fuck a few good beatings. The clinic is up my ass to go back in before and horrible infection spreads, or what's left thats most likely ectopic, bursts, and kills me.
But I cant let my child know ive done this. So I have to wait until tomorrow to hopefully find someone to watch them while I go figure out how badly I fucked up again.
I dont really know what the point of posting this is.
I dont know if I want to be reminded im a diagusting fuck up.
I dont know if im just so fucking alone that this is the only way I can pretend I have someone to talk to.
I promised a friend id stop burning and cutting myself last week.
But I think my whole thigh deserves to go today.
I think I deserve the pain.
I dont need a response. Thank you for reading this far.
Im sorry if this was a waste of your time.

 

[CarbonBased]

You don't "deserve" pain and it's not your fault for what happened. I'm sorry if it sounds offensive, but based on what you're saying it doesn't seem like you're in a good place to support another child. Not having them is probably the kindest thing you can do at this point. You've already had a child, so I beg you, please try to get better and give that kid a good shot in life. Just like all of us, they didn't choose to be born, so the best thing we can do at this point is to take great care of them.
I sincerely wish you all the best. I really hope you can get through this

 

[Randomized_Username]

You don't "deserve" pain and it's not your fault for what happened. I'm sorry if it sounds offensive, but based on what you're saying it doesn't seem like you're in a good place to support another child. Not having them is probably the kindest thing you can do at this point. You've already had a child, so I beg you, please try to get better and give that kid a good shot in life. Just like all of us, they didn't choose to be born, so the best thing we can do at this point is to take great care of them.
I sincerely wish you all the best. I really hope you can get through this

You're probably right. Im probably not. But everyone said i couldnt do it the first time then had to admit i actually did pretty damn good given what little resources and support I had. I thibk most of the guilt comes from knowing how much my kid wants a sibling. Im too weird and stupid for the other parents to be around. We have no family. Theres no cousins or aunts and uncles. Theyre alone with just me. And ive never been good enough for anyone else, and theyre too young to understand that im probably not enough for them too. But maybe their sibling would have been. They would have had someone to go through life with. They maybe wouldn't have been alone like me.