Seasoned Member Advice

[Chupacabra 44]

In retrospect, what regrets do you have or what advice can you share that could potentially benefit some of the younger members?

Actually, one of the younger members asked me to make this thread, so your contributions won't fall on deaf ears!

Personally, I don't necessarily have regrets per se. I figured I did the best I could in life and made the decisions I thought best at any given time like most people, but I take this concept to heart. Luckily, I don't have an inner voice that beats myself up, and this is a blessing when I read what some others have to endure in this regard.

After thinking about this topic, here is what I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now.

First, I would have learned about nutrition and ate healthy. I've learned over the years after endless research and endless trial and error that most of my physical and mental health issues are tied into diet. I tell friends now "ANYTHING you feel physically or mentally blame it on what you're putting in your mouth until proven otherwise" (food, beverages, mints, gum, supplements, perscription/street drugs, toothpaste, mouthwash, etc.). Some friends have listened to me and they too have pieced together and resolved many of their own health issues. Nothing is random - figure out cause and effect by isolating the variables, and if you catch your issues in time, you might be able to turn these around or at least delay the progression. The field of epigenetics, as I perceive it, provides scientific legitimacy to this concept.

Next, pursue what you love in life. Don't let your parents or your peers pressure you into studying a topic in school that doesn't excite you or steer you into a career or job that you don't wake up every day jazzed to be in. The saying life is short makes more sense as I've aged. Time passes by quicker and quicker with each year. Don't live your life doing something you hate and don't consider entering a crappy field like the legal profession, for example, just to make money and/or to try and impress others. No one other than you really gives a shit when you're working on legal briefs until 2:00 a.m.

A third item I would say is live where you are happy. If you don't like the city, neighborhood, or home where you live, then figure out where you can move that will make you happy and move ASAP.

Finally, regarding relationships, I would advise make sure you really understand what exactly you really want in a companion. Reflect on what you liked and disliked in prior relationships. Determine what is a deal breaker, and then don't settle. Make an extensive list of what you're seeking in your ideal companion and visualize daily (law of attraction) until you find it. I wish I learned this before I got married and divorced a couple of decades ago. I learned this afterwards and it has worked great for me.

I could list more items, but hopefully this will get the ball rolling with input from others.

 

[Peachycherry]

Thank you for this thread! I didn't realise it was something I was hoping to see. I especially agree with the nutrition advice, that's something I wish I would have taken into consideration earlier in my life. Now, I'm one of the 'younger members', but I already have some regrets. The advice I would add is this: if there's something that's usually done at a certain age, do it as soon as possible, don't wait until you're older and that window of opportunity has passed ! I'll give an example: most teens where I live get a first job and learn how to drive at 16. I didn't do that because at that age, I was struggling too much with mental illness to achieve those. Now I'm 18, looking at kids my age who drive their cars every day and already have a lot more job experience than me, and I can't help but feel like I've missed a window of opportunity, like I'm behind them in life. I don't even have my driver's license yet, and while I know that's not a huge deal, I can't help but feel like I'm somehow inferior to them if you do things at the age you're 'socially supposed to', it'll be much less harder than to pick up the slack later in life, and in some sense you'll get a headstart in life. Also, you won't feel excluded from other people your age. I constantly feel judged for not having my driver's license and a stable job at my age.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

It's funny you mention diet. I have wondered- is it something in our diets thats making younger people want to die. I know how society is is to blame for a big part of that, but.. is there something in our food like they add plenty of "vitamins" into milk- maybe something in our diets is causing people to become depressed easier.

The job & school- I 100% agree. I told both my sons- THEY have to like what they do for work. I don't care if your a walmart cashier or a doctor as long as YOU like your job. I also told my sons there are 2 most important things they will ever do in life- 1 is their education. 2 was being a parent. Education guys is important and if you do like I did- if you grow older you will regret not getting an education. I sit here at 49 going wow I could have been a veterinarian but I kept putting school off. Find where your passion is. Whatever your passion is follow up with an education it will make life easier for you. Having an education you can get jobs that you don't work so hard. No education usually you will work really hard for next to nothing making life hard.

Material world- yes we live in it. You do not have anyone to impress. YOU only need to impress yourself. Don't be discouraged if you don't have the newest iphone or whatever the new fad is. Eventually you'll get it. The only one that needs to be happy about what you have is you. Don't let the greed of the world influence you.

Hobbies- find something anything to do when you have time to do it. There are clubs for virtually everything out there. Having a hobby can help you relieve some stress, give you a fun outlet, if you join a club meet like minded people, help get your mind out of some depression.

Social media- everyone walking in the streets has their faces glued to their phones. Everyone is so into texting and twittering facebooking etc.. no wonder people are depressed no one is physically meeting up anymore. Try to be more physical with friends and family. Go visit them and spend an hour instead of hanging out on social media all day.

relationships- I've had 10 different he's the one! yes, break ups hurt. In time it will hurt less and you will meet someone else who will love you the way you deserve. If someone is physically or mentally hurting you- they do not love you. RUN as fast as you can.

 

[Weather]

(1) Don't confuse -- or allow any mental health providers to confuse -- bad life situations with chemical imbalances. For example, I was in therapy while in an abusive marriage. I ended up on lots of different medications, had intensive therapy twice a week, etc. And then, when I left the marriage, while I was certainly worse for the wear, my mental state improved tremendously. Sometimes you are sad or angry or hopeless because you are having mental health issues, but sometimes you are sad or angry or hopeless because your life actually sucks at the moment. Don't confuse the two. You can't treat bad life circumstances with drugs. Sometimes you need to change something in your life.

(2) Don't settle for someone just to have a relationship. You should not be with someone because you don't want to be alone or because you don't think you can do any better. When you start settling, you can't stop -- and you will end up even more unhappy and tolerating things you should not. It will make your mental health worse. Being with someone you love is amazing; don't pretend you are in love when you aren't. Don't marry someone or otherwise commit to them when you aren't particularly into them. Being alone is much, much better than feeling trapped with someone you don't particularly like.

(3) If you are struggling in school, reach out to your instructor. I can't vouch for all professors, but the majority care about you. They will help you to make a plan to get through a course, help you to understand material, or even give you extensions when you need it for a mental health crisis. Reach out sooner rather than later. Attend class so your professor recognizes you. You really aren't alone in your courses.

(4) Recognize that it's not too late. You would be shocked how much you can change your life within a couple years. Perhaps you are in a bad situation now -- bad relationships, a job you hate, lousy living situation, etc. Your life truly can change dramatically if you are willing to act consistently toward a goal over a period of time. We often want to see immediate results which makes us give up and then nothing changes. But, if keep working toward something and make decisions to that end, it can happen.

Social media- everyone walking in the streets has their faces glued to their phones. Everyone is so into texting and twittering facebooking etc.. no wonder people are depressed no one is physically meeting up anymore. Try to be more physical with friends and family. Go visit them and spend an hour instead of hanging out on social media all day.

SOOO agree with this. Put down your phone. It's bad for you.

 

[puppy9]

@Chupacabra 44 Thank you so much for this thread.

 

[Niftypoint124]

Oooh, I'm loving these! Have some of my own to add, as well:


Be wary of people who treat appearance as a person's primary value.

Remove people from your life who treat you badly, regardless of what claim they have on your life. I've had a few friends I let stick around for years because (insert reason), despite the fact they weren't very nice to me, or were only interested in hanging out when "cooler" people aren't available, or I made a good Patsy to their hyperconservative family when they did something wrong.

SW is liberating... but it's still work. And, for many, it has significant impacts on your relationship with money, as well as your opinions on the people that hire(d) or work(ed) with you.

In support of earlier comments re: healthy eating - whole foods are better for your body than processed foods. Eat well to feel well.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." The only life you get to live is your own; obsessing over someone else having what you do not only leads to looking down on yourself and your accomplishments.

Combining earlier sentiments: Spend time outside daily without being on your phone or having headphones in. After working in internet-adjacent industries for the entirety of my career, it makes me really sad to see the depth and breadth of mental and physical ailments exacerbated by our constant pursuit of connectedness. There's a reason doctors in Japan have been prescribing time in nature for the last ~15+ years!

If you gut says "DON'T!" for any fucking reason, listen. You may never be able to verbalize why or what struck you as off, but every time I have overridden the little voice in my head, shit's gone sideways. This includes engaging with people who make you feel uneasy.

 

[noaccount]

I want to remember and think about this...

 

[TotallyIsolated]

Everybody makes mistakes. Its how we learn and grow as human beings.

Most people are just making it up as they go along. Almost no-one actually knows what they're doing.

People can change, but that change can only come from within. Other people aren't necessarily at the right place in their own journey through life to be what you need them to be - sometimes you just have to let them go.

Forgive but don't forget. Let go of anger. Draw a line between you and the people or things that are hurting you and just leave them behind.

Life is inherently unjust, unkind, and unfair. You can do everything right and still fail - its normal. The idea of "success" is just a story told with the benefit of hindsight. (read up on post-rationalisation)

In general, the truth isn't satisfying. People who hurt you almost certainly do so unintentionally or without thinking about it. Most of the things that happen in your life are the consequences of matters and events largely beyond your control. Most of the time, when you want to know 'why' something happened there simply wont be an answer.

 

[greebo6]

'What might of been' 'What could have been' 'What If...? '
Try to have as few of those regrets/missed opportunities haunting you in the future as you possibly can. If you can do that it helps a lot.
Go places , love , do things , try things. Make the most of being young.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I say it frequently I'm a space case =) sorry guys medicated my brain just really fogs out. I am having my morning coffee and thinking what I didn't say that I should have. Having gone through so much in my life there is so MUCH I want to say. It's hard to get all of it out especially when I have such brain fog.

I was told about a KISS way of life (Keep It Simple Stupid) in our case KISS will stand for ( Keep It Simple Smarty) Don't stress yourself about 6 months, 2 yrs, 5yrs 10 yrs later. Live for TODAY but when you are in a better position do plan for the future. I always stressed about bills a month or two in advance. Anxiety is a real B^tch I'd get myself all panicked. I couldn't do anything about next month all I could do anything about was today. Today my bills were paid and today there was a weeks worth of food in the house. When I made more money today - I put it aside for when next month or two came. Looking at today- this minute do what you need for yourself to get through this minute, this day to tomorrow. If all you can do is breathe to get through to the next minute-it's fine because you are making it to the next minute..than the next hour..and tomorrow. KISS is about every aspect of life if you choose to. Remind yourself KISS Keep It Simple Smarty!

Don't let the negative others say to / about you influence you to believe it. It's hard to find the good in ourselves when others have told us how wrong we are or we aren't good. My father told me for my first 15 years I was worthless, the elementary school kids told me that, my abusive BF 6 months after my father died told me that- I believed I was garbage. I wasn't worth taking up air someone else deserved. I felt disposable, I felt I should die because I was garbage. A suicidal teenager whose doctor quoted me as saying "I'm a screwball eventually I will kill myself" when I was 17. I am now 49! In my case having my older son at 20 changed me & my entire life. I wish I knew in my early 20's what I know now.. look at yourself and find positive every day. I made it to school 3 days in a row I'm a warrior! I made it to work all week I'm a super hero! Wow, my eyes are really pretty.. anything just everyday something positive. When you are comfortable enough find more positive about you each new day. Erase all the negative that has been thrown at you with positive.

I think due to the abuse I went through in my early years I have allowed myself to become a doormat. I have allowed people to walk all over me and let them keep doing it. I'm still learning this lesson sadly. Yes you can be way to nice to others. Be kind and treat people how you want to be treated- but dont allow them to walk all over you. I think my problem is I don't know how to get mad. I never get mad. The woman who killed my son in an accident-I'm upset with her but I haven't gotten mad yet. I should be furious with her somehow I haven't gotten mad.. and being so submissive it's allowed friends, family and strangers to treat me in ways I would never do to them. Figure out what your boundaries are and don't budge. In a relationship where there is love and respect you giev and take- BOTH must do this together, thats the only time you should move your boundaries. Ok you want me to hold your hand more would you cook me dinner more? I would tell people ok you can stay for a week or two until you get on your feet. 6 months later they're still on my sofa. I didn't stand up enough for myself. The only one who has my back is me. Through the years many people have told me I am to nice. I am finally getting it now.

Therapy- lets face it we are all here because our minds were/are not in a good place. If you broke your foot you would see a bone doctor. Our brains are sort of broke- so we need therapy, counseling, mental health. There are good and bad in every profession. If you dont like your therapist switch until you find one you do like. If you cannot get out of a funk on your own do not hesitate to get help. It's loving yourself enough to get help. Who cares what your friends, family and co workers think- for all you know 1 out of 5 are seeing a therapist as well. Eventually you will find a therapist you really like. Same with meds. There are positive and negative about every medication there is. Don't be afraid to try meds some do work, some work for some people and yes all have negative side effects. Educate yourself about your medications. Like I was on mobic years ago for arthritis. My new primary doctor of 3 months said do you know mobic is destroying your kidneys? I said hmm nope this is the first I'm told of that and I've been on it like 5 years. he switched me to something more friendly. I make a point to read up on ALL meds they put me on. I'm on a ton of meds. I have a VERY good relationship with my pharmacist- which I recommend to anyone on meds. My pharmacist knows if something isn't going to work well with something else. He also calls my doc for refills. I used CVS for over 20 years- they switched pharmacists so much I got confused. I do not regret switching to a local owned small pharmacy. They have my back when I don't even realize it.

I listen to Binural beats on you tube. They have different frequencies for different things. Using a headset is best but I put it on my TV at night. Sometimes it helps me sleep- but what I find most beneficial when I am wound up tight- I focus on a tone and keep focusing on that tone and it will relax me. There are times my mind goes off into stressing thinking and I have to force it to listen to that tone. I go ohh I'm thinking about this but I'm supposed to be focusing on this tone- back into tone mode. Eventually it calms me down. Guided meditation has been suggested to me. I have not tried it yet. I have listened to some positive affirmations a time or two drifting off to sleep.

*edit* yup space case I tell ya- I told my sons life is a learning lesson. You learn 1 lesson and you are on to the next. There will always be challenges in front of you. There is no such thing as a perfect life- as much as others want you to think they are. Everyone has something good bad and indifferent happening all the time. It's mentioned above- try not to have to many regrets. Approach situations, people, life in a way you can feel proud of yourself later down the road. yes we all say and do things we regret- it is part of life. I have a ton of regrets. The big thing is learning from each experience and growing from it. When my older son was in high school (17 or 18 yrs old ) 3 kids wanted to fight him. Not to toot his horn but my son was a blue eyed buff guy that the teachers told me where he was- so was the girls. That all the girls were his friend. One kid got mad his GF flirted with my son. So I told my son, let me tell you something. You can go to school tomorrow and beat up these 3 guys if you want or you can get beat up by being 3 teamed as well. It isn't WHO throws the hardest punch thats the biggest man- the biggest man is the one who says Nah, ya know what man? throwing a punch isn't going to resolve anything. We're going to get black eyes and bloody noses.. probably get more mad and be friends next month. I'm saving us the trouble heres my hand- lets shake and call it done. Being a bully will get you no where in life- being a good person will get you a lot further. My son died in a car accident at 25. He spent a ton of time at his friends automotive garage. One story D told me- he said ya know what really impressed me about J? He was at my shop one day about a year ago and this guy wanted to fight him because this guy thought J spun his tires and kicked up rocks on his car. J held out his hand and said " Nah, man. I didn't spin my tires. We see eachother at the car meets every friday and meet out at the compound every saturday. Lets shake and be adult about this" Even though my son was in heaven, I was so proud hearing that story. Lifes lessons- learn 1 and on to the next.

HAVE A GREAT DAY! Hug yourself and tell yourself 1 good thing today please

 

[Emily_Numb]

Smoking weed is not the answer

 

[Deleted member 94]

Diet, my niece went on keto diet which she claims freed her from her depression. There are lot of stuff in modern foods such as grains, dairy etc which make us feel bad without us knowing it, they feed bad bacteria in the gut which is a second brain of the body and run a ruckus.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

Regarding relationships:
Learn to make and stick to boundaries to have and maintain personal autonomy. Learn to avoid those who impose on those boundaries even if it means moving away if possible.

Regarding health:
Learn to enjoy a healthy, active exercise that you will enjoy. Like bike riding, hiking, or just walking in the park. No need to join a gym and it gets you outside to maybe enjoy good weather. Get good sleep. You spend one third of your life sleeping. Invest in a good mattress, a cervical pillow, and allergy-free bedding if possible. This is possibly the single best investment on your health as it will help save your back and neck.

Skills:
Have to agree with another user. Get your driver's license. You never know when you might need it in an emergency. The same with first aid skills. A lot of people think music more as a hobby but I think it's a great skill to learn especially since all the resources are online. If you can make a small investment into a musical instrument like a guitar or keyboards, it will bring you comfort and you can share the gift of music with others. (I forgot...learn to swim)

Hobbies:
Reading is a kind of meditation be it fiction, non-fiction, poetry, etc... If you find it difficult to enjoy reading, consider audio books. This will help you keep learning new things, discovering stories, and keep you open to new ideas.

Hope others find this helpful. If none of these things are able to bring you even a tiny bit of relief, it's most definitely time to see a doctor and/or a therapist.

 

[Deleted member 94]

@Chupacabra 44 Thank you so much for this thread.

These are all gems of advice I would love it if more people chime in with words of wisdom.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

These are all gems of advice I would love it if more people chime in with words of wisdom.

I hope other add input- and those of us who have as we think of more we can add to this. Keep it going-

 

[Marchioness]

I'm not terribly old but I'm probably older than most on the site.

Older people can give you all the advice in the world but, it's up to you to get out there and learn from yourself, what you need to know to know yourself better.

Don't beat yourself up for something you thought was a good thing for your life at the time and it ended up screwing something up in the future. You aren't psychic.

All of humanity is stumbling through this together, don't worry so much.

Get out in nature more. Learn to do things in the old ways (void of modern tech) it brings yourself closer to yourself and you get to learn something new.

I read a study once that said most suicides happen in people's teens. I know most of the users on the site are in that category. Try to ride the confusing wave of adolescence out and see if things get better. Adulthood can provide clarity that I wish I had in those days.

Digital hug for everyone out there.

 

[muffin222]

Smoking weed is not the answer

I concur with this one. I regret not awakening to this truth much sooner. I shudder to think about how my excessive weed consumption may have negatively impacted my brain development as a teenager
*sigh*

 

[Brick In The Wall]

One of the best pieces of advice I could give someone is to always maintain a private bank account that NO ONE but yourself has access to...I don't care how long you've been with someone. I was smart enough to do this and it saved me from complete ruin.

 

[Marchioness]

One of the best pieces of advice I could give someone is to always maintain a private bank account that NO ONE but yourself has access to...I don't care how long you've been with someone. I was smart enough to do this and it saved me from complete ruin.

Why you gotta indirectly attack me like that? Lol. No seriously listen to this advice, please.

 

[whywere]

Everyone is unique and what works for one might not work for the other. Now with that said, I totally agree with @Chupacabra 44 on his listing. The quick snap shot of everything is: life is short and upon yourself period. Do what makes you happy, listen to your heart, and do not worry about your parents or anyone else. I am 64 years young and 1 thing that i can say is make yourself happy 1st and foremost. I spent too many years and worries trying to make other people happy and /or a boss or whatever and I most of the time was miserable.

 

[death137]

This is a great advice

 

[kitch]

First day back and over sharing ... well not really.

This audio book has cheered me up :

"Other Minds" Peter Godfrey-Smith.

Octopus and Nautilus centred non fiction about "consciousness" ... and the possible different types around us .

I have long thought our good selves weren't really up to much ( not to get too misanthropic or anything ... )but , if you get a chance , see "My Octopus teacher" as well ... a really lovely film . Those 'cephalods' (?) are going to definitely going to give us a run for our money at the Alien Rescue , apart from the Dolphin's of course ...)
edit to add :
Totally the wrong thread , but a bump won't hurt I hope .