trashprincess
She/Slur
- Aug 8, 2023
- 186
I think tomorrow I'm going to decide my fate. I can't really decide if I'm going to live, but I can decide if I try.
Tomorrow is my first day having to do anything after my mental health nosedived. Either it's going to snap me out of it, or just further my descent. But a day of masking around people I don't really feel comfortable around.. doesn't sound particularly inspiring.
My physical health has been deteriorating along with my mental health. My Crohn's is giving me problems and what little money I get I spend on cannabis so what little food I have to eat isn't any good for me. I'm supposed to do some manual labor in the next week or two and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to physically handle it.
What it really comes down to though is I just can't make myself do the things I need to. It's too hard to find the motivation, and if I ever do, whatever I'm doing just ends up burning me out and leaving me worse for wear than when I started.
Every day of my life I've hoped for a miracle. That's what's kept me going. That's what gets me up in the morning. That's what I have to believe in. But.. I think I'm finally ready to give up on them. I just want to hold on for a little longer...
I'm not ready to go. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I want someone to hold me. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn't I be loved? Why couldn't I be happy? Why am I so Fucking WORTHLESS!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready.
But I'm ready for all the bad to stop. There's no more miracles in my head at this point. No more hope. No more dreams. All that remains is my life story.. played on loop over and over in my head. I just want it to stop...
I had all these stories in my head I wanted to write, or even just tell someone about.. I had ideas for how to make the world a better place.. I had ideas for how to live a beautiful, happy life...
They were the one thing I always LOVED about myself, they were the one part of me I could be proud of... And I don't know why...
The rest of me is without value, so who am I to think that one part of me would be different? How fucking delusional am I to assume any value in the ideas I do nothing with and share with no one?
I thought I had another try in me. But my past is consuming me. I can't stop it.. and I can't handle it. I'm not processing my trauma, it's processing me.
This place makes me want to live though. I feel welcomed and accepted and understood in ways I never have. I don't think it'll be enough but I just wanted to say I really like it here, and this is probably the closest I've ever felt to not feeling alone. Thanks for being there for me
Tomorrow is my first day having to do anything after my mental health nosedived. Either it's going to snap me out of it, or just further my descent. But a day of masking around people I don't really feel comfortable around.. doesn't sound particularly inspiring.
My physical health has been deteriorating along with my mental health. My Crohn's is giving me problems and what little money I get I spend on cannabis so what little food I have to eat isn't any good for me. I'm supposed to do some manual labor in the next week or two and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to physically handle it.
What it really comes down to though is I just can't make myself do the things I need to. It's too hard to find the motivation, and if I ever do, whatever I'm doing just ends up burning me out and leaving me worse for wear than when I started.
Every day of my life I've hoped for a miracle. That's what's kept me going. That's what gets me up in the morning. That's what I have to believe in. But.. I think I'm finally ready to give up on them. I just want to hold on for a little longer...
I'm not ready to go. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I want someone to hold me. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn't I be loved? Why couldn't I be happy? Why am I so Fucking WORTHLESS!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready.
But I'm ready for all the bad to stop. There's no more miracles in my head at this point. No more hope. No more dreams. All that remains is my life story.. played on loop over and over in my head. I just want it to stop...
I had all these stories in my head I wanted to write, or even just tell someone about.. I had ideas for how to make the world a better place.. I had ideas for how to live a beautiful, happy life...
They were the one thing I always LOVED about myself, they were the one part of me I could be proud of... And I don't know why...
The rest of me is without value, so who am I to think that one part of me would be different? How fucking delusional am I to assume any value in the ideas I do nothing with and share with no one?
I thought I had another try in me. But my past is consuming me. I can't stop it.. and I can't handle it. I'm not processing my trauma, it's processing me.
This place makes me want to live though. I feel welcomed and accepted and understood in ways I never have. I don't think it'll be enough but I just wanted to say I really like it here, and this is probably the closest I've ever felt to not feeling alone. Thanks for being there for me
