hi, this is my first post. i just feel like i need to tell someone what i'm feeling about life.
I've had BPD as an early teenager till now. It's completely consumed my life from the multiple attempts and hospitalizations, the relationships i lost and the worsening self image i have of myself. i live on my own now, and the isolating i've been doing is helping me feel less guilty of dying soon.
i'm really ready to die. I see that i have no future with BPD running me worse and worse every year and my fear of interacting with anyone makes my death less impactful. i don't wanna live any longer, with this ugly face that'll never be beautiful, a ugly body, a unlikable personality, no talents, no skills, i am just a waste to keep living. Seeing myself live in the future still being my ugly self that has never been called beautiful and always made fun of is horrifying. it's horrifying anyone has to see my face.
The only thing is im no technically scared of what happens after death, im scared that when i die, pictures of my face and body will be posted by my family in remembrance. i don't want anyone to see my face, i don't want to be remembered and i don't want my face to be tied to anything after death. i just wanna disappear completely without a trace, i am so scared even after death people will still consider my face ugly in my memorials.
that's the only thing holding me back now. and i don't know what to do. do i make it clear in my note i leave behind that i don't want my face or name being shared anywhere about me dying? i cannot even die knowing people will see my face in pictures.
I've had BPD as an early teenager till now. It's completely consumed my life from the multiple attempts and hospitalizations, the relationships i lost and the worsening self image i have of myself. i live on my own now, and the isolating i've been doing is helping me feel less guilty of dying soon.
i'm really ready to die. I see that i have no future with BPD running me worse and worse every year and my fear of interacting with anyone makes my death less impactful. i don't wanna live any longer, with this ugly face that'll never be beautiful, a ugly body, a unlikable personality, no talents, no skills, i am just a waste to keep living. Seeing myself live in the future still being my ugly self that has never been called beautiful and always made fun of is horrifying. it's horrifying anyone has to see my face.
The only thing is im no technically scared of what happens after death, im scared that when i die, pictures of my face and body will be posted by my family in remembrance. i don't want anyone to see my face, i don't want to be remembered and i don't want my face to be tied to anything after death. i just wanna disappear completely without a trace, i am so scared even after death people will still consider my face ugly in my memorials.
that's the only thing holding me back now. and i don't know what to do. do i make it clear in my note i leave behind that i don't want my face or name being shared anywhere about me dying? i cannot even die knowing people will see my face in pictures.
