Venting scared of chickening out

[lnlybnny]

i keep the tab open to buy the SN but still lack the courage
i think about what would happen if i keep going
but i've kept going for 10 years and nothing changed, because i didn't change
and if i don't do anything things won't change because everything depends on me
i'm so confused/worried
at the same time i can't keep living like this, my reasons to ctb feel very strong to me
i'm sure i don't fit into anywhere in this world
i wish someone else could do the ctb for me because it's so overwhelming
having to decide all the details and take care of everything

do you feel like this too? i'm sure it's a common feeling

 

[4_science]

You could order it so that you have your way out if you want to go through with it. Might offer some comfort knowing it is there. Doesn´t mean you have to use it any time soon or at all.

I think 85% of us can relate to the feeling. It is scary.

 

[Helween]

i prolly would if i wasn't that much tired to feel like shit. i dont have anything to look forward to, so it's all set.

 

[LunarLight]

It's a natural feeling. SI kicks in like a bitch. You can still buy SN and have the possibility to CTB, and not do it in the end. It's up to you.

 

[saltimpress]

Where can one obtain SN?

 

[Young.Werther]

Yes I know the feeling. It's a paralysis where I realize that things would probably be better if I could just fully commit one way or the other but I can't do either. It sucks.

I would get the SN now and just hold onto it. Maybe you won't need it if you decide to stick around but if you don't get it and decide to leave, it might not be available later. I want to be the person to make the final call and not have society dictate the decision to me (even if I do end up deciding to stay — I want it to be my choice).

 

[Helween]

Where can one obtain SN?

Online, depending of where you live

 

[AkaRed]

I know exactly how you feel ;; I struggle so much with the idea that I'd be there, everything prepared, everything ready, SN taken, waiting to die— and I either panic and chicken out, or it doesn't work.

If that happens, I'll probably get put in a fucking ward. And be stuck waiting for a second chance. And I'd be infinitely humiliated and feel guilt like no other.

All you can do is hope the attempt works. ;;

Best wishes though!

<3

 

[lnlybnny]

Buying and taking it are two different things. Many people have SN stored away and some have even gotten rid of theirs because things improved. Probably the most important thing is to never commit impulsively to taking it given that it's bad enough you feel you might want to take it in the first place.

i hate that i'm unable to decided even that about my life, i'm such a pussy

Yes I know the feeling. It's a paralysis where I realize that things would probably be better if I could just fully commit one way or the other but I can't do either. It sucks.

I would get the SN now and just hold onto it. Maybe you won't need it if you decide to stick around but if you don't get it and decide to leave, it might not be available later. I want to be the person to make the final call and not have society dictate the decision to me (even if I do end up deciding to stay — I want it to be my choice).

i suck at deciding things

I know exactly how you feel ;; I struggle so much with the idea that I'd be there, everything prepared, everything ready, SN taken, waiting to die— and I either panic and chicken out, or it doesn't work.

If that happens, I'll probably get put in a fucking ward. And be stuck waiting for a second chance. And I'd be infinitely humiliated and feel guilt like no other.

All you can do is hope the attempt works. ;;

Best wishes though!

<3

i know! if i go through it i truly hope it's the end - i wouldn't have the strength to put up with having to justify myself and feel horrible for failing, can't imagine it