scared? i guess?

[ratlover223]

how do i stop looking in the mirror?

how do i stop feeling like i mess up things with her?

i told her about this site and she keeps reminding me to stop looking on here because she thinks it's hurting me (it really isn't). i haven't heard of this site until tantacrul's video- some part of me thinks "wow, that's kind of cruel and selfish" but looking more into this site, i am glad there are other people just like me. suffering. i am glad i could have a safe space to talk about how i feel without having to go to hospitals or psych wards.

when i was 13, my mother told me that she'd "put me in the nut house (psych ward)" if i kept having meltdowns (i am autistic). i keep having those memories even though that was a very, very long time ago. i'm still scared my mother could have that much power over me— to abandon me. she made me fear psych wards and getting any help. i fear that she would do to me what she did to my sister. she was a victim of ECT.

i keep looking in the mirror and i feel uncertain if i even want to continue living when everyone around me are fine. they'd be okay without me. except my fiancée. i hate being here so much.

 

[SilentSadness]

That's so mean of her, others can be so insensitive can't they. Threatening people with sending them to psych wards is also abusive and harmful. On the contrary, there really isn't much harm on this site other than the standard problems of talking on the internet. It's not at all irrational to want to ctb as it's a permanent solution to all future problems, which is especially effective here where the quality of life is much lower than usual but would still apply to someone with a good quality of life because it can always get worse. In that way, it seems irrational to prefer to live but it's still a valid choice. Anyway I hope that you find some better people to be around and that you find some comfort.

 

[FuneralCry]

Psych wards really do sound like horrific prisons to me, I hate how this hellish world wishes to lock suicidal and suffering people up and just punish them like that, it's true that psych wards just lead to harm. I just think the reality is that it's for the best not to open up about wanting to die as many people won't even try to understand, instead they just invalidate and dismiss suicidal people's feelings, they don't wish to accept that wanting suicide is a perfectly logical solution. But anyway, I also hate existing here, it certainly can be so tiring and awful feeling trapped here in this world but I wish you the best.

 

[crowbait]

how do i stop looking in the mirror?

how do i stop feeling like i mess up things with her?

i told her about this site and she keeps reminding me to stop looking on here because she thinks it's hurting me (it really isn't). i haven't heard of this site until tantacrul's video- some part of me thinks "wow, that's kind of cruel and selfish" but looking more into this site, i am glad there are other people just like me. suffering. i am glad i could have a safe space to talk about how i feel without having to go to hospitals or psych wards.

when i was 13, my mother told me that she'd "put me in the nut house (psych ward)" if i kept having meltdowns (i am autistic). i keep having those memories even though that was a very, very long time ago. i'm still scared my mother could have that much power over me— to abandon me. she made me fear psych wards and getting any help. i fear that she would do to me what she did to my sister. she was a victim of ECT.

i keep looking in the mirror and i feel uncertain if i even want to continue living when everyone around me are fine. they'd be okay without me. except my fiancée. i hate being here so much.

i have people in my life too who think this forum makes me worse. i think some aspects do, like objectively being on a website centered around suicide is going to make you think about it more, and personally i get very gloomy after saying goodbye to people every night. but this is also a rare remaining place to frankly discuss suicide so it is complicated. i'm very sorry your mother treated you that way- psych wards honestly are not scary, they're too heavily monitored to be. for the most part they're just really boring- i don't know much about how ECT is used in them now but i've known a lot of people in psych wards and none have had that used on them. definitely relate to parents scaring you away from seeking medical help. life can suck, but it also has kindness and sweetness that you won't experience in a permanent sleep- it has your fiancée, and a future where you heal.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hello there, ratlover223. It would seem we have a few things in common. I too was exposed to this site by the tantacrul video. Like you, I have since found most of the people here to be deeply compassionate and empathetic, even if I may not necessarily agree with all of their views. This has actually been the case for quite a few people, so I'm sure you are most welcome here.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Few things are worse than having the people closest to you, the ones who are supposed to nurture and care for you, disregard your struggles and your feelings. When people are suffering, they need to be heard and understood, not threatened with a ward or ECT. That goes for everyone, but it applies even more so when you are autistic, as you likely have fewer resources at your disposal to begin with. The treatment you received from your mom, the fear you have to endure now? It is truly awful, and I am so sorry. I hope that in this place you'll be able to find people who can actually hear you, help you with your struggles, and maybe ease your pain, in whatever form that takes.

I get the feeling, though, when it comes to being told to get off the site. People on the outside (myself included) who hear about it without real context imagine a place where hate-filled rhetoric is tossed around freely and people are openly encouraged to off themselves without consideration or care. And I'm not going to say that there is absolutely none of that here: there is. I've seen it. But it is vastly overshadowed by the people who legitimately want to help one another with their suffering. Or, failing that, to just make the pain go away. And unfortunately, someone who's never experienced that level of suffering and despair very often cannot understand how liberating it is, how very necessary it can be, to have people that you can be honest and open with about your darkest thoughts without fear of being ostracized or effectively imprisoned for it. Whatever my own personal misgivings about suicide may be (I'm one of those pro-lifers you often hear about), I can recognize the immense need for suffering people to be able to talk about these issues in a safe place. Forbidding the very concept or invalidating the people who experience these feelings as 'sick' or unable to make their own decisions only serves to isolate and alienate them and drive them underground, away from the very human connections they need to possibly recover. Someone who's never been there, who doesn't get it, will never be able to understand that. If this place helps you, if it makes you feel heard and validated, stay. There's good people here.

As to your question, about how to stop looking in the mirror. May I propose a radical suggestion?

Don't.

Don't stop looking at that person in the mirror. Because that person? They're hurting. That is a person who needs to be seen, to be understood and accepted. And right now, they're not getting that. And it's not their fault. They haven't done anything wrong. The only crime they've committed is not finding a way out, a way to be happy. And they've had to look for that without the support of the people who are supposed to love them.

Look at that person. Really look at them. They deserve to be seen with compassion. And right now, you're one of the only people with the power to do that.

As to your fiancée, if she's worried about you being here, it's probably because she had the same misconceptions the general public does, and the same ones seen in the tantacrul video. She may not understand how badly you need a place where people can really understand what you're going through. You can actually do something about that. If it helps, you can show her this. Remind her that we're not hideous, uncaring monsters. We're human beings, people who have hurt and suffered in much the same way you have. And even if we disagree about methods and ethics, most of us really do want to help and make things better. That's why we're here.

For my part, I'll be hoping you manage to find whatever it is that will help you feel just a little bit okay.