heirofvoid
Member
- Dec 20, 2021
- 71
I don't have anything to do right now since some stuff I needed to do requires something else(too long to explain) so I'm just going back here to vent. I'm currently on the second semester of my first year and it's ok I guess. I only have 3 subjects this sem since the school doesn't allow overloading. I have a lot of free time now but I honestly just spend it by sleeping or masturbating. It's sad and disappointing.
I just don't have the motivation to do anything. I currently don't draw because I might be having symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome. I don't like wasting my time and effort on a drawing ending up with just a like and a follow from a porn bot. It's very demotivating to draw when no one gives a shit about it. I know art is meant to be enjoyed by yourself, I mean I get it that's how I was before until last year. It sucks to spend 6-8 hours on a drawing and nobody gives a shit. I'm a socially anxious and introverted person so drawing is one of my ways to communicate with people. It was ok for the past years as it got me to engage with the fandoms/communities I'm in but now that the algorithm for most social medias changed, it's just deafening silence. You get a notification and get excited and find out it's some bot. No one sees your posts and it's making me lonelier than ever. I join discord servers to interact with people in these fandoms/communities but it's either the group is already so big that they don't really care about newcomers so you get ignored or there's a 12 hour timezone difference so by the time you can talk to them, they're already asleep. It's so frustrating and I've never felt so lonely. I do talk to people outside since I go to school. I have friends there but we barely share the same interests, yes I cherish these friends but we're more like school friends only. We don't talk much outside of school stuff.
I used to be fine being alone and was comfortable with it! Last year really just messed everything up for me to the point I can't find enjoyment in anything. I don't have the desire to draw, read books or manga, listen to music, and even watch anything. So far the only thing that keeps me going is playing mobile games. They serve as a routine for me and are a great distraction but I only spend less than an hour for them. I don't play seriously like I used to, I just do whatever daily task is needed and go on with my day. I've been like this for 9 months now and it's exhausting. I'm alive physically but I might as well be dead. I sleep every after class and if I'm done with assignments/school works I sleep it off. I do try to get out every weekend to go to various art events or conventions but they just drain my money. But if I don't go to these events I'll lose my sanity because it's the only other activity that I have.
"Get a new hobby then" I've tried! I fucking tried but with the mess of my home and other factors that will make this post longer, I couldn't get into anything or continue what I started. I still try to get back to drawing but with this weakness and pain from my whole right arm plus the fact that no one will give a shit when I post it is just making me want to quit it at this point.
Sometimes I just want to jump off the train tracks, I imagine it every single time I commute but I just don't really want to inconvenience a lot of people. I also imagine just jumping off somewhere high like from the 6th floor of our college building, or any higher floors in the mall. I lean down on the balcony and focus on the ground. It makes me feel calm. Death being so close brings me comfort. I just couldn't push through in fear that I might not even die and just end up with major injuries.
Everything is exhausting and I seriously don't see the point in living. I have no wishes nor dreams for the future, I'm just here because I can't do it. I'll forever be mad at my parents for giving birth to me and not even being here to help me grow while I was a teenager, when I needed them the most. It sucks and I wish them ill.
I just don't have the motivation to do anything. I currently don't draw because I might be having symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome. I don't like wasting my time and effort on a drawing ending up with just a like and a follow from a porn bot. It's very demotivating to draw when no one gives a shit about it. I know art is meant to be enjoyed by yourself, I mean I get it that's how I was before until last year. It sucks to spend 6-8 hours on a drawing and nobody gives a shit. I'm a socially anxious and introverted person so drawing is one of my ways to communicate with people. It was ok for the past years as it got me to engage with the fandoms/communities I'm in but now that the algorithm for most social medias changed, it's just deafening silence. You get a notification and get excited and find out it's some bot. No one sees your posts and it's making me lonelier than ever. I join discord servers to interact with people in these fandoms/communities but it's either the group is already so big that they don't really care about newcomers so you get ignored or there's a 12 hour timezone difference so by the time you can talk to them, they're already asleep. It's so frustrating and I've never felt so lonely. I do talk to people outside since I go to school. I have friends there but we barely share the same interests, yes I cherish these friends but we're more like school friends only. We don't talk much outside of school stuff.
I used to be fine being alone and was comfortable with it! Last year really just messed everything up for me to the point I can't find enjoyment in anything. I don't have the desire to draw, read books or manga, listen to music, and even watch anything. So far the only thing that keeps me going is playing mobile games. They serve as a routine for me and are a great distraction but I only spend less than an hour for them. I don't play seriously like I used to, I just do whatever daily task is needed and go on with my day. I've been like this for 9 months now and it's exhausting. I'm alive physically but I might as well be dead. I sleep every after class and if I'm done with assignments/school works I sleep it off. I do try to get out every weekend to go to various art events or conventions but they just drain my money. But if I don't go to these events I'll lose my sanity because it's the only other activity that I have.
"Get a new hobby then" I've tried! I fucking tried but with the mess of my home and other factors that will make this post longer, I couldn't get into anything or continue what I started. I still try to get back to drawing but with this weakness and pain from my whole right arm plus the fact that no one will give a shit when I post it is just making me want to quit it at this point.
Sometimes I just want to jump off the train tracks, I imagine it every single time I commute but I just don't really want to inconvenience a lot of people. I also imagine just jumping off somewhere high like from the 6th floor of our college building, or any higher floors in the mall. I lean down on the balcony and focus on the ground. It makes me feel calm. Death being so close brings me comfort. I just couldn't push through in fear that I might not even die and just end up with major injuries.
Everything is exhausting and I seriously don't see the point in living. I have no wishes nor dreams for the future, I'm just here because I can't do it. I'll forever be mad at my parents for giving birth to me and not even being here to help me grow while I was a teenager, when I needed them the most. It sucks and I wish them ill.
