n031
pathetic jester :)
- Sep 1, 2024
- 30
I cant stop fantasizing about being dead. Its all I want. I cant already think or feel anything, Im already dead. My life is just the same day over and over, I do the bare minimum to survive and i dont have any motivations or future plans. Theres a lot of things I want to experience before going, but Im not sure if Ill can do it, I dont have a plan and even If i had it I dont have patience or trust in myself. Im seeing a good therapist and I had progress in my healing, now I know myself and why I am like this, and still have hope to feel good someday. Ive been dealing with a lot of guilt and shame for all the lost time and the people who left. I forgave myself, but death feels so atractive to me. I dont have patience, I dont want to be resilient. If I cant have the life I want, I dont want to keep going. I dont want to conform myself, maybe Im too whimsical. I dont have the energy. Im 26 and Im still trying to get some sort of diploma to get access to a normal job, only had temporary and shitty jobs. I still need the emotional and economic support of my family and I feel like a burden, a parasite. I want to be independat, whole and overall happy with my life, but Im empty alone and depressed. I cant be loved or trusted. I dont want to get old. I dont want this life and Its too late for any great change. My plan was to get my shit together and build a life from now, and If I dont see big progress this year Ill join the 27 ctb club. But I feel like Im sabotaging myself again, deep down all I want is to be dead. Im tired, the only thing that gives me peace is knowing I can kill myself anytime. I have my method, Ill write the notes and Ill be finally at peace.
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