saddens me that no one really cares

[fleshgarden]

I'm sorry if my posts are annoying here. I have barely any place to vent. I just want to die and if anyone understands that it's the people here.
I can in a sense understand why people don't care about me, especially my friends. I've spent so much time focusing on myself in the past, but in a bad space, wanting help so much.. when I was young, I used to be quite manipulative in a way. a lot of times I would talk about my suicide and depression. my friends had to help me through my suffering and I know they grew tired of it. that was old me.. and I haven't done that in years. I find that now, if I am seeking help from friends or even doctors, they won't even help. I could be saved if someone would just listen to me at this point. I'm stuck here perpetually. I'm not allowed to be home alone. I hate feeling that I've been doomed from the start. I'm suffering so much and I do want to leave eventually. I just wish someone cared enough that I'm suffering so much.. I wish someone would listen and just be there for me, I used to do this for others but now I just can't. I don't see the point in doing anything. I don't see the point in art or coding or music anymore, I don't see the point in friends and eating and sleeping. I can't even say how desperately I want to go. I'm just stuck here for, likely, years.. I don't even know when I'd ever get the chance to die. I'm trapped here always watched by my parents and then when I move out my girlfriend will just be watching me then.. everything is needlessly cruel. I'm going to suffer for so long. I am stuck in a perpetual state of pain, always,.. I don't know, I can't explain my pain at all I just know it hurts and I can't stop crying because I feel like I'm being endlessly tormented. I have no joy and I have no meaning here. I just want to go.

 

[Moonlit_Gaze]

It is hard to completely understand why things are the way they are, and why it it causes such unbridled cruelty.

Wanting to find someone that genuinely cares is also one arduous task.

But I suppose I do care. I care enough to read through your post a couple of times to compose this comment. And I care enough to want to listen to you, from one stranger to another.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I'm sorry if my posts are annoying here. I have barely any place to vent. I just want to die and if anyone understands that it's the people here.

Hello @fleshgarden I think you found the right place to vent - there's a lot of caring people here. And I don't think your post is annoying.

I can in a sense understand why people don't care about me, especially my friends. I've spent so much time focusing on myself in the past, but in a bad space, wanting help so much.. when I was young, I used to be quite manipulative in a way. a lot of times I would talk about my suicide and depression. my friends had to help me through my suffering and I know they grew tired of it. that was old me..

When I was about 10, I had to be manipulative in order to get care from my mom. I talked about suicide a lot, in order to attract sympathy. It might be unhealthy coping method but I can't blame you because I think you did it to get the care you needed and deserved.

People care about cancer patients but don't about people with mental illness, especially mood disorder - they simply call us "lazy" or "immature." Even people who experienced it throw judgement sometimes, thinking they "overcame" their crisis and what you need is just perseverance and you should just keep going. I don't think so - you need to be cared.

and I haven't done that in years. I find that now, if I am seeking help from friends or even doctors, they won't even help. I could be saved if someone would just listen to me at this point. I'm stuck here perpetually. I'm not allowed to be home alone. I hate feeling that I've been doomed from the start. I'm suffering so much and I do want to leave eventually. I just wish someone cared enough that I'm suffering so much..

Unfortunately, truly caring people were rare in my experience. I'm so sorry you feel like you've been doomed from the start - personally I haven't thought so. I don't know how painful the feeling is. In my case I had a chance but I ruined my life - it was my fault. And feeling trapped is terrible - I recall how it was relieving when I ordered my first inert gas kit in 2012. I didn't use it but I thought I can die if thing turned really unbearable, and it was so liberating.

Even though online people can't substitute people IRL, I found some people on this forum are really caring. Most of people here have been beaten up by their cruel fates, and have nobody to turn to.

I wish someone would listen and just be there for me, I used to do this for others but now I just can't. I don't see the point in doing anything. I don't see the point in art or coding or music anymore, I don't see the point in friends and eating and sleeping. I can't even say how desperately I want to go. I'm just stuck here for, likely, years.. I don't even know when I'd ever get the chance to die. I'm trapped here always watched by my parents and then when I move out my girlfriend will just be watching me then.. everything is needlessly cruel. I'm going to suffer for so long. I am stuck in a perpetual state of pain, always,.. I don't know, I can't explain my pain at all I just know it hurts and I can't stop crying because I feel like I'm being endlessly tormented. I have no joy and I have no meaning here. I just want to go.

All my friends had ghosted me, except my best one. I met her in a psych ward when I attempted CTB and locked up there. She is surprisingly caring, but has suffered from terrible emotional abuse by people around her.

I'm recovering now but this process hasn't been linear. I attempted partial hanging in 2014 and have made several attempts until 2019. I stopped trying to CTB after that, but I couldn't even start to recover, because I had been just a pointless existence.
I joined this community in 2023 and started to recover, because I've met a lot of caring people and could express myself here without getting any judgement.
In my case people on SaSu was just be there for me. So I hope you find caring people, too.

Even so, I still feel my life is basically pointless and have a rope and a place to hang myself. I just can't throw it away. I think my suicidal thoughts will be with me for life. I'm just trying to keep this monster at bay.

We can't "save" anybody, but I hope your life will be a bit less unbearable

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Your post isn't annoying. Feel free to vent here as much you want. I'm sorry life is so rough to you. I hope you can find peace somehow.

 

[fleshgarden]

thank you everybody.. I get paranoid about posting here sometimes, I thought my post would be irritating.. I appreciate all of the kind things<3 they will make me feel better for a little while.. and I'm sorry for not responding individually.. I get quite stressed about trying to pose the perfect response..