Sad dad with broken body

[Already Gone now]

Hi all. This is my first post. I suppose I just wanted to put my story out there and see if anyone had ideas or feedback...

My tragic story started in 2021. I was a healthy, happy person. Married with beautiful 2 little ones (4 yo boy and 1 yo baby girl). Loved my family....Liked my job, rewarding but stressful. I have a history of anxiety but had managed it okay for many years without medication.

Anyways, in summer of 2021 I started to have really bad insomnia. Sleeping only 2-3 hours per night for about 4 weeks. I talked to a psychiatrist about it (had seen her years ago briefly) and she gave me Ambien. It didn't really help. Then she gave me the drug that wrecked me --- olanzapine. This drug made me sleep but it also made me extremely depressed. Also, I couldn't seem to get off of it. Every time I tried, my sleep would fall apart to ~2 hr per night again.

I ended up staying on the drug just to sleep. But after 6 months, I started having tremors in my hands. Then tremors in my neck. Then spasms all over my body. I quit the drug, but the symptoms only got worse. I was sleepless, and having tremors and spasms 24/7. A neurologist told me I had "drug-induced Parkinsonism".

After a month of constant tremors / spasms / no-sleep, I was having a mental breakdown and becoming suicidal. I tried to get counseling but it didn't help much. In the end, I was taken by the police on a 5150. In the psych ward, I was left alone in a chair for 30 hours. I mentally broke and tried to strangle myself to death for 1-2 hours. This led to further injury.

Today, I have no feeling in my mouth. I have constant nerve pain in my face and extremities. My cognition and memory are highly impaired. I still get tremors and muscle spasms but not as bad as before. I feel extremely disabled....I try to work but I can get very little done. Probably I will lose my job soon. Oh, and did I mention my wife took the kids and moved back to her parents 2000 miles away? Yes...my life is ruined.

I wish I could go back and change the past, but I can't. I love my kids. I still love my wife. But I cannot do much for them. And I am just in suffering non-stop. I feel dead inside already and just wish God would kill me. But here I am. Trying to figure out if there is a way to go on in this impaired state and have any kind of meaningful life. I don't know if it is possible... I just don't know.

Wow man, just when you think your own life has to be the worst out there, then you hear another guy's story. I sincerely hope you repair whatever you can and hope you're at ease as best as you can be.