Dec 10, 2020
I had a great opportunity to CTB earlier this fall, and I messed it up.

In the weeks after my husband and life partner of six years left, there occurred his birthday, my birthday, and our wedding anniversary. Plus he had stopped communicating with me, the divorce paperwork was piling up, and I had to find a new job. Perfect storm to maximize my suicidality.

Before the job started, I had two free weeks. I decided to use it to take myself on a road trip to a large park where there any many opportunities to cause one's own death. My primary plan was to drown myself in the river, but I also had the options to jump from a bridge into the river, hang myself from the bridge, jump over a waterfall, cause hypothermia in the snow, and jump to a burning death in a hot spring. I psyched myself up by reading KRJ's _Night Falls Fast_. I tried to jump from the bridge but got scared. I tried to drown myself but was overcome by SI. I subjected my body to the cold but aborted the attempt when my body temperature was still as high as 85 degrees. Then I was too tired to continue, so I left the park.

Ironically, the main factor leading me to withdraw from the attempts was that I was too lonely to go through with any of them. But the reason for why I want to CTB is that I'm too lonely to bear life. Now I just feel trapped.


time for ctb
Nov 14, 2020
Feel for you OP I have tried 3 times in last 10 days so I understand. I would give up attempts if I could get that employment break and the love of someone again. I would battle my mental health and know with a job and someone standing with me it would work but I am alone and can't see it changing let alone getting a job. I can't live and can't die. It's the worst place to be so I fully understand