Preface: this'll be the first time I tell anyone in detail about my experience with pain, for no reason other than to express it, hopefully without the immediate response being "someone your age can't be experiencing that" or "it's not that bad" (well… since we're still alive and moving I suppose it's not that bad, but I feel getting that kind of response is different from thinking it yourself). I'll refer to myself in the first person and my body as Doll.
Around three years ago, I started feeling an itch in my spine, like something was crawling across it. At the time, Doll was in an intensive program (unfortunately—this is important for context—Doll is easily frustrated, extremely forgetful and rarely focuses) so I would sit us at a desk for hours. This is when it started. From then on, every few weeks or so the itch would come back, moving lower and getting more distracting to the point where I switched our chair out multiple times.
I don't remember exactly when it changed into pain outright, but a year after that program, I started taking online courses, and Doll hasn't been the same since. My knee, which has always been an off-on problem (briefly got super SUPER bad when I tried exercising more) never stops aching, my calves feel like they're "yellow" (I don't feel it right now so I can only give Doll's account), parts of my head throb, and my lower back… nowadays, it hurts all the time. It gets worse when I sit, but I can't NOT sit because everything I have to do involves long hours at the computer. I considered getting a standing desk, but I know Doll'll just sit shortly after because it hurts to sit but it's so much worse while standing ૮(˶ㅠ︿ㅠ)ა
So far, I've outlined a few solutions:
- going outside (cons: it blows up my entire day. genuinely, I've been moving my walk time around but just knowing it'll happen puts a weight on everything else I have to do and many plans fall apart)
- exercising (cons: I'm oddly more afraid of my knee blowing up again than my back getting irreparable damage… though many of my priorities and decisions are backwards like that so I guess it's just a character trait)
- pain relief gel (cons: I keep forgetting to apply it, and it only works for an hour or two… though it does more than paracetamol)
- sleeping (cons: 1) if I sleep for a decent amount / too long I fear I'll be replaced with a degenerated version of me, with nothing in the head except for dense fog. Everything hurts and no matter how much I do, I'm doing the 'important things' terribly… but I can think clearly enough, so I want to keep that. 2) thanks to very vivid nightmares / dreams, I subconsciously see sleep as a reward, so it's impossible for me to go to bed early until we've accomplished something acceptable… plus the night's when My thoughts are best translated into action)
Post: I'm 'on track' to learn enough to get a job, but honestly I don't think Doll will make it. The more it hurts, the more distracted I get, and the longer I make us sit because it makes a lot more sense that "more time means this'll eventually get done" than "going to bed early today will undo the past few years of misuse" (ᵕ—ᴗ—) I truly believed I'd ctb several years ago, so I guess now it feels like I'm just piloting an organic mech, and I can't tell how much further I can take it… yet for that 'success', I can't stop, I'm at an impasse but I can only slow down. I don't want to be a failure, but I don't have the time to recover
Sorry to throw this kinda thing at the void, but I guess I'm scared of continuing down this path without anyone else knowing
Around three years ago, I started feeling an itch in my spine, like something was crawling across it. At the time, Doll was in an intensive program (unfortunately—this is important for context—Doll is easily frustrated, extremely forgetful and rarely focuses) so I would sit us at a desk for hours. This is when it started. From then on, every few weeks or so the itch would come back, moving lower and getting more distracting to the point where I switched our chair out multiple times.
I don't remember exactly when it changed into pain outright, but a year after that program, I started taking online courses, and Doll hasn't been the same since. My knee, which has always been an off-on problem (briefly got super SUPER bad when I tried exercising more) never stops aching, my calves feel like they're "yellow" (I don't feel it right now so I can only give Doll's account), parts of my head throb, and my lower back… nowadays, it hurts all the time. It gets worse when I sit, but I can't NOT sit because everything I have to do involves long hours at the computer. I considered getting a standing desk, but I know Doll'll just sit shortly after because it hurts to sit but it's so much worse while standing ૮(˶ㅠ︿ㅠ)ა
So far, I've outlined a few solutions:
- going outside (cons: it blows up my entire day. genuinely, I've been moving my walk time around but just knowing it'll happen puts a weight on everything else I have to do and many plans fall apart)
- exercising (cons: I'm oddly more afraid of my knee blowing up again than my back getting irreparable damage… though many of my priorities and decisions are backwards like that so I guess it's just a character trait)
- pain relief gel (cons: I keep forgetting to apply it, and it only works for an hour or two… though it does more than paracetamol)
- sleeping (cons: 1) if I sleep for a decent amount / too long I fear I'll be replaced with a degenerated version of me, with nothing in the head except for dense fog. Everything hurts and no matter how much I do, I'm doing the 'important things' terribly… but I can think clearly enough, so I want to keep that. 2) thanks to very vivid nightmares / dreams, I subconsciously see sleep as a reward, so it's impossible for me to go to bed early until we've accomplished something acceptable… plus the night's when My thoughts are best translated into action)
Post: I'm 'on track' to learn enough to get a job, but honestly I don't think Doll will make it. The more it hurts, the more distracted I get, and the longer I make us sit because it makes a lot more sense that "more time means this'll eventually get done" than "going to bed early today will undo the past few years of misuse" (ᵕ—ᴗ—) I truly believed I'd ctb several years ago, so I guess now it feels like I'm just piloting an organic mech, and I can't tell how much further I can take it… yet for that 'success', I can't stop, I'm at an impasse but I can only slow down. I don't want to be a failure, but I don't have the time to recover
Sorry to throw this kinda thing at the void, but I guess I'm scared of continuing down this path without anyone else knowing
