Venting Rough Day

[like-spoiledmilk]

I ended up cracking, crying, and telling my Dad I felt suicidal yesterday. He rolled his eyes, said "anyway", and moved along.

According to him, nothing in my life is that hard. He just doesn't care. Or, maybe, he doesn't believe me. I already don't really talk to my mom.

I've been drinking all last night and this morning. That really fucked me up, man. I never want to be the sort of person to CTB just reactionarily, but I didn't in part all this time because I didn't want to hurt him. That was just rough. I can't really get over it.

I think this just might be a vent post. Thanks for reading if you did, regardless.

 

[SASU-KE]

He rolled his eyes, said "anyway", and moved along.

He probably thinks you're not serious or he's trying to just gloss over it since he doesn't know what to say.
Still, this is the kind of thing I've come to expect from parents. They think we don't have a right to be depressed or something.

 

[like-spoiledmilk]

He probably thinks you're not serious or he's trying to just gloss over it since he doesn't know what to say.
Still, this is the kind of thing I've come to expect from parents. They think we don't have a right to be depressed or something.

Yeah. That makes sense.

I've been hospitalized before, needed my stomach pumped. He was kind of like "this was all over a boy, wasn't it?"

I think it's hard to understand why someone might be suicidal if you've never experienced it yourself. Still seems like a cataclysmic lack of empathy, and definitely still hurts.

 

[dietpill]

Some people just don't get it. I still have a soft spot for family members - it's like I can't really blame them for being dumb and understanding I have an asymptomatic genetic issue. I'm happy you drank? I smoke cigarettes to feel okay and I really miss alcohol. I'm bad at interacting, but I hope you get better.

 

[SnaileyBailey]

How old is he? My parents come from a generation where depression is seen as you're just not working hard enough. It sucks and is probably why most of them are so emotionally closed off.

 

[like-spoiledmilk]

How old is he? My parents come from a generation where depression is seen as you're just not working hard enough. It sucks and is probably why most of them are so emotionally closed off.

50, so that may very well be it.

He's the first to wonder why "kids these days have so many mental health problems". Are your parents the same way?

Some people just don't get it. I still have a soft spot for family members - it's like I can't really blame them for being dumb and understanding I have an asymptomatic genetic issue. I'm happy you drank? I smoke cigarettes to feel okay and I really miss alcohol. I'm bad at interacting, but I hope you get better.

Ahh, we're the inverse. I just quit smoking a month ago, and I've been craving a cigarette more than anything. Alcohol is just the next option over, I think.

You're not bad at interacting at all. Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time. I hope you get better, too.

 

[SnaileyBailey]

50, so that may very well be it.

He's the first to wonder why "kids these days have so many mental health problems". Are your parents the same way?

Yeah. Its really difficult cause you can see it affects them too. They were probably told the same thing they told you when they opened up to their parents. To swallow their feelings, "man up" and make fun of others for trying to get better.

I haven't found a good way to cope with it other than to go no communication when I was able to leave. Its a really bitter decision to make but it can be for the best.

 

[RainyDays]

I've had people invalidate my feelings, too. I know a lot of older people think that a young person being depressed is "impossible." Mental health just isn't something a lot of older people think matters or exists.

 

[like-spoiledmilk]

Yeah. Its really difficult cause you can see it affects them too. They were probably told the same thing they told you when they opened up to their parents. To swallow their feelings, "man up" and make fun of others for trying to get better.

I haven't found a good way to cope with it other than to go no communication when I was able to leave. Its a really bitter decision to make but it can be for the best.

Yeah. That is true. I don't want to go no comm. with my dad, especially after I already had to let my mom go. However, it might be for the best in the long term. I hope it has been for you.

I've had people invalidate my feelings, too. I know a lot of older people think that a young person being depressed is "impossible." Mental health just isn't something a lot of older people think matters or exists.

I'm sorry you experienced it, too. It really hurts when you crack open enough to talk and then you get nothing, basically. Maybe worse than nothing.

 

[yotaka]

I'm sorry. That kind of invalidation can hurt deeply.

I tend to find at least a little bit of comfort in reading, and I try to keep track of passages that I relate to. Not sure if it's helpful at all, but here's one from The Fall by Camus that seems relevant:
"Men are never convinced of your reasons, of your sincerity, of the seriousness of your sufferings, except by your death. So long as you are alive, your case is doubtful; you have a right only to their skepticism. So if there were the least certainty that one could enjoy the show, it would be worth proving to them what they are unwilling to believe and thus amazing them. But you kill yourself and what does it matter whether or not they believe you? You are not there to see their amazement and their contrition (fleeting at best), to witness, according to every man's dream, your own funeral. In order to cease being a doubtful case, one has to cease being, that's all."

 

[like-spoiledmilk]

I'm sorry. That kind of invalidation can hurt deeply.

I tend to find at least a little bit of comfort in reading, and I try to keep track of passages that I relate to. Not sure if it's helpful at all, but here's one from The Fall by Camus that seems relevant:
"Men are never convinced of your reasons, of your sincerity, of the seriousness of your sufferings, except by your death. So long as you are alive, your case is doubtful; you have a right only to their skepticism. So if there were the least certainty that one could enjoy the show, it would be worth proving to them what they are unwilling to believe and thus amazing them. But you kill yourself and what does it matter whether or not they believe you? You are not there to see their amazement and their contrition (fleeting at best), to witness, according to every man's dream, your own funeral. In order to cease being a doubtful case, one has to cease being, that's all."

Huh.

Thank you for taking the time to send that. The quote did help, quite a bit. I knew Camis philosopher but somehow I didn't know he'd written books. It's reasonably short, too.

If I were to read something by him today, do you think The Fall would be best?

 

[yotaka]

Huh.

Thank you for taking the time to send that. The quote did help, quite a bit. I knew Camis philosopher but somehow I didn't know he'd written books. It's reasonably short, too.

If I were to read something by him today, do you think The Fall would be best?

You're very welcome.

To be honest, I've only read two books by him: The Stranger and The Fall. Of the two, The Fall was my favorite by far, so it would be my recommendation. If you're interested in exploring reasons to keep going, you might also check out The Myth of Sisyphus, although it's more of an essay rather than a story.

 

[like-spoiledmilk]

You're very welcome.

To be honest, I've only read two books by him: The Stranger and The Fall. Of the two, The Fall was my favorite by far, so it would be my recommendation. If you're interested in exploring reasons to keep going, you might also check out The Myth of Sisyphus, although it's more of an essay rather than a story.

I just wanted to let you know that I took your book recommendation. I finished The Fall a few days ago, and it was indeed very good! It was the first book in a while I wanted to read essays about after.

I want to read The Myth of Sisyphus too, but the audiobook isn't on Spotify and the book isn't in my library. Did you find a PDF someplace?

 

[yotaka]

I just wanted to let you know that I took your book recommendation. I finished The Fall a few days ago, and it was indeed very good! It was the first book in a while I wanted to read essays about after.

I want to read The Myth of Sisyphus too, but the audiobook isn't on Spotify and the book isn't in my library. Did you find a PDF someplace?

Oh wow, that's great! If you feel like it, I would love to hear your thoughts—what you liked, disliked, found interesting, etc.

Not sure if this link will work wherever you are, but you can get the PDF of The Myth of Sisyphus here. I haven't read all the way through that one, but if you're planning to and would like a reading buddy, I could use an excuse to give it another shot.