Discussion Romance (or rather, lack thereof)

[homebound]

I've never been very good at relationships. I always have had a hard time regulating my emotions and dealt with suicidal ideations since a young teen. My first relationship was for a year and he left me for my best friend at the time. The second one we were together for 2 & 1/2 years and he had another partner the entire time. The third one was for 7-8 months and he ended up getting another partner a few months after we started dating, and later claimed he only dated me because he thought I was going to kill myself. The final one was with someone I had been close to for many years. We only dated for a month but he left me due to my mental instability. The last one was the only "good" relationship I had, i.e., not abusive, felt loved, etc. I decided to do some working on myself because I figured I am the problem. I have grown tremendously, and am doing the best I have ever done in my life. The only problem I am having is I feel nothing towards anyone. I don't remember what being in love felt like. I guess I don't really mind being alone, but I just wish I had someone to share my life with. I've tried dating apps but I never feel a connection. Every relationship I had I was previously friends with them before we dated. Dating apps are so hard for me. I can't talk to someone with the only intention being to date. It just feels very fake to me, I don't know. I want them to be more than just my partner, I want them to be my best friend. Does anyone else understand this feeling? Do you have any advice?

 

[je.suis.prêt]

I don't have any advice, but for what it's worth, I feel the same. I want to be friends with the person first. While I am open to the idea of using an app to find a relationship, I prefer the organic kind.

I am at the point where I have to work on myself, besides getting out of depression, I have to do something about low self-esteem too.

I believe in the idea of putting yourself out there and letting it happen; going back to the metaphors of organic produce, you can't exactly force such produce to grow, so it will probably be slow.

 

[MlKE]

I haven't tried dating apps, they seem very inorganic to forming any meaningful connection. How do people meet anyway after they leave school and they are no longer placed in situations where they have an excuse to interact with each other?
It seems like developing a relationship with someone who is already part of your life would be a natural thing, but I don't know.
Maybe a hobby or night school or something? It feels dishonest to go to something like that if you only care about meeting people and not the thing itself, but maybe others there are in a similar situation?
What do people do in relationships if they don't have particular activities they enjoy together? Just watch TV every night after work, then go to bed together?

 

[thx1138]

Hi, I'm in a very similar situation because my mental illness prevents me from dating. I'm in my late 20s and everyone expects me to have a husband or boyfriend, which is quite frustrating. I'm glad I'm not the only person who thinks dating apps feel fake and unnatural. It's hard to meet people for everybody these days, especially after the pandemic. I tried a site called meetup.com for hobby-type gatherings. I didn't have much success, but maybe it's one tool to use, together with other things like classes or local community centers. Good luck. You are not alone, I think a lot of people have similar struggles and you shouldn't be hard on yourself.

 

[homebound]

I haven't tried dating apps, they seem very inorganic to forming any meaningful connection. How do people meet anyway after they leave school and they are no longer placed in situations where they have an excuse to interact with each other?
It seems like developing a relationship with someone who is already part of your life would be a natural thing, but I don't know.
Maybe a hobby or night school or something? It feels dishonest to go to something like that if you only care about meeting people and not the thing itself, but maybe others there are in a similar situation?
What do people do in relationships if they don't have particular activities they enjoy together? Just watch TV every night after work, then go to bed together?

Hi, I'm in a very similar situation because my mental illness prevents me from dating. I'm in my late 20s and everyone expects me to have a husband or boyfriend, which is quite frustrating. I'm glad I'm not the only person who thinks dating apps feel fake and unnatural. It's hard to meet people for everybody these days, especially after the pandemic. I tried a site called meetup.com for hobby-type gatherings. I didn't have much success, but maybe it's one tool to use, together with other things like classes or local community centers. Good luck. You are not alone, I think a lot of people have similar struggles and you shouldn't be hard on yourself.

The idea of going back to school is terrifying. I went right before COVID started in 2019 and attended classes for about a year and a half. I was very excited, it was a big school and it was my first time not living at home. The two roommates I was given were already best friends before coming there and wanted nothing to do with me. I went to freshman events to try and meet other first years, and I met a couple cool people! I don't really know why but after a few weeks they just kinda disappeared, stopped responding. I tried clubs for things I was interested in but I just felt I never really fit in. I know I'm awkward but no one really bothered to keep conversations going with me. I thought the group work we were given in class might help me make friends, but the entire time no one did anything and it always ended up me doing all the work. I had never felt more alone in my life than I did during my time in university.

I've never really tried joining any groups for things I'm interested in outside of that. I work 09:00 - 18:00 Thursday through Monday... nothing really ever seems to work out for the time or days I have off. It sucks. I love my job, I make decent pay, but it definitely has affected my social life. I'll have to check up the meetups website, thank you for the suggestion.

And I'm glad I'm not alone feeling this way. I see a lot of people I know have had success with dating apps and it really bums me out.

 

[Truth1234]

I understand you. Dating apps are so fake and I understand why people use them in the first place. I started keeping imaginary friends again and that has helped me a lot. I feel I do not need a relationship and I am so happy being on my own that now it gives an additional confidence. I think we really underestimate our own company.