Help [Rhetorical question] Why am I so worthless?

[excelsior]

My parents really don't like me because I am trash at everything I do and a big embarrassment to them. They say I am too quiet, and I guess they are right. My whole life I have been picked on for being too quiet and weird. I have always been like this. I so desperately wish I could be normal in this regard, but I am just a weirdo and that's all I will ever be.

I will never be accepted or even half way normal. And I think I owe it to everyone to die because I am just an embarrassment and a failure of a person. My parents will always hate me for being so burdensome to them. There is no remotely positive attribute I have that makes up for all of my failures to function as a human.

 

[Pluto]

Having children for the purpose of gloating at their worldly accomplishments is a sign of narcissistic parenting. My parents played this game, too, while simultaneously setting me up to fail with the scapegoating and abuse. I feel the same way as you, except I know that it could have turned out very differently if I had been loved when growing up.

I only mention this so that you can see that they are the problem more than you. I don't know how to define what worth anyone does or doesn't have, but it is very difficult to self-assess when in this state.

 

[TydalWave]

As children, all we need is the acceptance and appraisal from our parents. When parents do not provide that, or worse like in your scenario, diminish or devalue their children--it is can be completely destructive to their mental well-being.

Your story seems very tangential to the book I am reading, that was recommended to me by another member on this forum... The book is called the Celestine Prophecy. The author writes about the four control dramas that often come into play in childhood. Of these four control types, intimidation generally causes victimhood, and interrogation causes aloofness.

The main character like you became aloof as he struggled with interrogative parents. Interrogators make others feel small or worthless with their words so they can feel superior to others and gain control. The book talks about how this cycle continues as children born into these controlling scenarios develop their own coping mechanisms that become control mechanisms that manifest in other relationships throughout their life.

You say repeatedly that you are too quiet and that you feel shame and a burden to your parents who project these feelings on you. Every parents job should be to make their child feel valued and loved. Listening to your words it is obvious to me they have failed you in this regard.

Now you have a choice to make. You already made the first step in coming here, asking for guidance. My advice for you is that you should first accept that your behavior (shyness) is completely natural given the environment you were raised in. As you become more aware of yourself, and specifically how your negative thoughts correlate to the actions of others around you, you will learn ways to cope with these types of controlling behaviors that will allow you to break out of your shell, and ultimately break the cycle.

 

[deathbylife]

My parents really don't like me because I am trash at everything I do and a big embarrassment to them. They say I am too quiet, and I guess they are right. My whole life I have been picked on for being too quiet and weird. I have always been like this. I so desperately wish I could be normal in this regard, but I am just a weirdo and that's all I will ever be.

I will never be accepted or even half way normal. And I think I owe it to everyone to die because I am just an embarrassment and a failure of a person. My parents will always hate me for being so burdensome to them. There is no remotely positive attribute I have that makes up for all of my failures to function as a human.

I feel the same way, only I was too loud. I started acting out when my Mom abused me. However no one in my family will discuss it or acknowledge it so here

 

[Pluto]

However no one in my family will discuss it or acknowledge it so here

In dysfunctional families, there's usually an abuser and various enablers. Sometimes we are left with a choice of cutting them off and facing the world alone, or trying to reason with them and going completely insane. It's not easy at all.

 

[deathbylife]

In dysfunctional families, there's usually an abuser and various enablers. Sometimes we are left with a choice of cutting them off and facing the world alone, or trying to reason with them and going completely insane. It's not easy at all.

Yep. Both tried to cut them off and now only really speak to my dad, but he's still an abuser so also going slowly mad

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really relate to you in that I am shy and quiet also. I'm lucky that at least my family weren't that nasty to me- although I'm very well aware it has always been seen as a fault.

I just want you to be kinder to yourself though. It's true that it's unfortunate that people like you and me are 'naturally' like this. It's also likely true that life might improve for us if we tackled these issues. (Although- I haven't either.)

All I would say is: it's probably not entirely your 'fault.' Not to solely blame your parents either but surely- social skills are something we learn just like anything else? If you were perhaps in an environment where you either didn't get to socialise much (so- became shy) or maybe were with a lot of overpowering and highly critical people (so- became frightened)- maybe that's why you are shy and quiet?

Also- when you think about it- it's utterly ludicrous to shout at and bully a person who is timid and frightened- thinking that will actually give them confidence! You need support- not criticism.

All I would say is- maybe don't go to the extreme of hating your parents. Still- I don't think it hurts to think about the environment you were raised in. Think about WHY you are quiet.

Sometimes I actually (secretly) feel pretty pissed off about being criticised by parents for things (I would argue) came about directly as a result of their own actions/inactions.

Yes- we have a responsibilty for ourselves but childhood (and especially childhood trauma) affects our lives- even as adults. Not saying hate them- just saying maybe (in your own mind at least,) shift some of that blame off of you. I wish you all the very best.

 

[Mr. Squiggles]

in borderline therapy there was a test with about 300 questions about ones childhood to assess what kinda fuckups parents made early on.
at an age where really important stuff takes shape in your brain like primal trust and self-worth.

in that age you are reliant on your caregivers to develop a healthy sense of self. if those very basic needs are not met, or maybe even violently invalidated, you are left behind with impairing self-loathing and crippling anxiety as a lasting imprint in your mind.

it is still up to you to fix that in a long process with no shortcuts. but is also a relief to learn that the things you think is a flawed personality that wont go, are just symptoms of an affliction imposed on you in the most vulnerable state by the only persons who instead shouldve just unconditionally loved you.

parents need less qualification to get a baby than what you need to get a dog. forgive yourself, you dont need to forgive them.