Venting Revolt

[drag201]

I don't know why i had to be born so mentally ill. I have thoughts about hurting myself and others. I have had no reason to think this way as i have had no reasonable trauma and my childhood was normal. I tried to put the fault on outside things like my parents age and genetics even some divine or supernatural stuff at times of delirium. When i was younger, i made a mental goal for myself to live enough "experiences" so that i would feel content with what ive been through if i were to die eventually. I've lived them all. I feel too mentally disturbed for myself. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb to myself an others. Sometimes I wish I would go to an institution or solitary confinement in general to prevent myself from ever living life because I don't want to. I have been in delirium or psychosis many times. I have used substances and they make me feel barely better. I wish deeply that someone would hurt me or that I would get a serious disease. I tried to do it tonight but I couldn't get the spot right on my neck right and i thought about my cats so I broke down. I hope something out of my control can finish me. I have been on this website f for years saying the same thing I'm saying now. I am religious and cannot find peace in anything. I feel so jealous of people who live normally! Even the ones who are clearly sick but have found their way to "normal" life through treatment or whatever. I tried. I wish them all the worst deeply, but the best at my heart. I am so sad! I wish God could tell me the reason for this.

 

[suacide]

I really saw myself in this, and I just wanted to say I understand you but also, please don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm someone who by all definitions have never felt peace in my life. I have severe trauma from all points, live with c-pstd amongst other things because of it, am considered a 'vulnerable person' legally and my body/health is being affected by my mental illness and unhealthy dependencies on binging, cigs, weed and alcohol, but I too feel that exact way.
I feel like it's not enough to justify how I feel, act and how much of life is so difficult to me, and that I need to suffer more to be helped and for it to be acceptable for me to be the way I am. I relate wanting to die from a terminal disease or be killed, because then my death wouldn't be my fault. I wouldn't have to take responsibility for doing it in my final moments, I wouldn't be able to back out and I'd finally be at peace. I really understand that desire. Funnily enough, it was also my cats that stopped me from taking my own life after an incident. Cats are sweet, pure souls, aren't they? I hope yours are well and I'm sure they love you so much.

The bit about wishing people the worst while still wanting good for them I really do get too. It's such a lonely place to be in, feeling that jealousy and still having care left underneath it. You see them succeed where you haven't and for me personally, it makes me wonder what's so different about me and it makes me question whether the problem is because of me not having enough will… I'm so sorry you have to go through that.
I think seeing as how we have the same mind in that regard, I don't think anything would've ever been enough, and I'm slowly trying to accept that what matters is how horrible I feel and my emotions, not what caused it. It's the now, not the before. So please, don't see yourself as lesser than others who are really just reflections of you. Your active suffering is enough, and it matters.

I know it sounds typical, but I would recommend talking to a therapist even just once if you have the means, but not for the stereotypical reasons. Sometimes trauma can hide in your memories, whether in plain sight or deep down, and therapy can help you uncover it even just a little. Even small things, like the way an adult talked to you as a kid as a one-off incident can have tremendous effects on how you grow up, your mindset, priorities and how confident or safe you feel. It's just important to not water down what you're telling them, and even if you don't see it as severe, describe the matter or events very factually.
If we share more than just these feelings, maybe uncovering sources could be cathartic for you like it was for me. Sometimes, people like us don't even catch how serious an incident was and a therapist being there to level-headedly inform you of it can be life changing for your self image.

Please take care of yourself, and reach out if you ever want to talk or need anything. I'll keep you in my prayers.