Well this is my first post here! I wrote something I wanted to post on social media but don't have the guts to do it.. so wanted to share it here. It's just rambling thoughts in response to all the reactions to the sad death of Caroline Flack. And how as a society we persist in alienating and silencing people who do feel suicidal. Being here is the only place I feel is safe for me to be honest with my feelings.
How do we change the perception of suicide being selfish, tragic, wrong?
Is it time to start a new conversation about suicide?
With the news this weekend that television presenter Caroline Flack has passed away, my sympathy and strength goes out to her family and friends right now, and to everyone who has been affected by her death. The response on social media is overwhelming .. Beautiful tributes from friends, family and fans. Posts sending condolences and calling for accountability, already a petitions have been set up in response; to tackle online bullying which I have signed and fully support. But can we, or maybe the question I'm wondering is, should we be so anti-suicide?
As someone who struggles with suicidal ideation and who has repetitive serious suicidal thoughts/plans and previous attempts, I feel I need to put my thoughts into words. You see these thoughts, the ones no one wants to hear, are the ones people who successfully take their own lives want to be heard but can't say out loud.
It's individual and different for every single person. I am definitely not saying I can speak for everyone who has ever tried or completed a suicide attempt. I just want to be able to be honest with my thoughts and no longer be afraid to say them out loud or afraid of how people will respond. For me, the one narrative that I find most difficult, is that being suicidal is wrong and selfish. "Why didn't they get help?", "we had no idea this was going to happen", "you should call the Samaritans", "how could they do this knowing how much it would hurt the people left behind". These are just some of the statements I can think of I have heard or read either in response to someone's death or my own suicidal thoughts. It leads to the belief that it can be fixed and you can get "better", there is a cure out there you just haven't found it yet, which is a strange concept for me.
My first suicidal thoughts came around the age of 13. I worked out I wasn't someone that was going to be able to cope with the world and with 'life' as we are expected to live it in our society. I had no idea at the time, but I was experiencing massive anxiety issues that led to depression throughout all of my teenage years and on. I was sent to see a psychiatrist at 14 after taking an overdose of paracetamol. I was naive to the illness and the system and thought it was something that could be fixed. I quickly learned that psychiatry, counselling, anti depressants are all just ways to get you through. There is no fix. Just keep living, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much pain you have, no matter how many times your own brain tells you it's better to end it now, regretting not doing it earlier. Feeling like... no wait it's not even feeling like, knowing you are letting people down around you constantly, knowing you are going to keep doing that for the rest of the time you and they are alive and in each other's lives, knowing that by living you are causing harm, but still having to keep going. Just keep living so no one has to feel like they have failed.
I suppose it's a little like the euthanasia debate but ramped up another level. If somebody is suffering, and they decide to end their life to end their suffering, why is that so hard to accept and understand? We are a society that keep animals as pets, and if they are ill and suffering, we won't allow them to continue living through that pain. It's better we let them go right!? So why are we not as compassionate with our own? I believe it's because we are too selfish and when a person dies, we don't mourn their life ending, we mourn what we have lost.. to the degree of not wanting to allow our fellow human beings a choice on ending severe suffering to save ourselves.
Death is a sad but inevitable part of life. The human race is killing the planet, killing its inhabitants and ourselves on mass scale. We are in the middle of a complete economical crisis, from all of our destruction on the planet for centuries. We have over populated, over polluted, decimated and destroyed vital natural resources for our own gains. Everything we do, ever, is selfish. So why is suicide so controversial?
If I die from a heart attack tomorrow. People will be sad and grieve sure, but they won't question if they should have/could have done something to change it! They won't be angry with me for not getting help, reaching out etc. If I got hit by a bus, and was on life support, no chance of coming back around, the decision to switch it off would be taken. Is suicide so far different from this? Does it deserve the stigma, extra anguish and pain it gets as a response?
I'm kinda rambling with no sense of where I'm going with this. And am definitely coming from a biased opinion. I recently attended a funeral of a dear family friend who had taken his own life. It was emotional and sad and I'm heart broken he has gone. But I'm also pleased for him that he could end his own pain. Relieved for him that instead of continuing to feel desperate he was able to resolve it. Jealous that he was brave enough to go through with it and find his peace. But of course.. I can't admit those feelings to anyone.
I have wanted to die since I was 13. There are times the thoughts are stronger and harder to deal with. There are times the thoughts are in the background and manageable. They have never, and probably will never, be gone for good. (Unless I convince some mental health professionals to conduct ect or find some form of meds that completely switch me off emotionally). Believe me, if there was a revolutionary new pill that fixes depression, anxiety disorders etc, I'd be front of the queue at the doctors for that prescription. Because living like this massively sucks.
For some.. Suicide is that exact pill and I totally understand, respect and actually feel empowered by those who manage to take it. As I know I will do it myself one day.
So maybe, maybe, I'm just asking that we stop feeding a narrative that suicide is somehow more tragic or a worse death to deal with. All death is tragic and hard for loved ones. Why do we have to categorise it, assign blame and dishonour around it, make it the biggest fear and worst pain? Why can't we begin to consider that ending our own lives isn't the massive 'failure' it's made out to be?
How do we start a discussion with people around it who believe it is something that can be fixed?
How do we change the perception of suicide being selfish, tragic, wrong?
Is it time to start a new conversation about suicide?
With the news this weekend that television presenter Caroline Flack has passed away, my sympathy and strength goes out to her family and friends right now, and to everyone who has been affected by her death. The response on social media is overwhelming .. Beautiful tributes from friends, family and fans. Posts sending condolences and calling for accountability, already a petitions have been set up in response; to tackle online bullying which I have signed and fully support. But can we, or maybe the question I'm wondering is, should we be so anti-suicide?
As someone who struggles with suicidal ideation and who has repetitive serious suicidal thoughts/plans and previous attempts, I feel I need to put my thoughts into words. You see these thoughts, the ones no one wants to hear, are the ones people who successfully take their own lives want to be heard but can't say out loud.
It's individual and different for every single person. I am definitely not saying I can speak for everyone who has ever tried or completed a suicide attempt. I just want to be able to be honest with my thoughts and no longer be afraid to say them out loud or afraid of how people will respond. For me, the one narrative that I find most difficult, is that being suicidal is wrong and selfish. "Why didn't they get help?", "we had no idea this was going to happen", "you should call the Samaritans", "how could they do this knowing how much it would hurt the people left behind". These are just some of the statements I can think of I have heard or read either in response to someone's death or my own suicidal thoughts. It leads to the belief that it can be fixed and you can get "better", there is a cure out there you just haven't found it yet, which is a strange concept for me.
My first suicidal thoughts came around the age of 13. I worked out I wasn't someone that was going to be able to cope with the world and with 'life' as we are expected to live it in our society. I had no idea at the time, but I was experiencing massive anxiety issues that led to depression throughout all of my teenage years and on. I was sent to see a psychiatrist at 14 after taking an overdose of paracetamol. I was naive to the illness and the system and thought it was something that could be fixed. I quickly learned that psychiatry, counselling, anti depressants are all just ways to get you through. There is no fix. Just keep living, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much pain you have, no matter how many times your own brain tells you it's better to end it now, regretting not doing it earlier. Feeling like... no wait it's not even feeling like, knowing you are letting people down around you constantly, knowing you are going to keep doing that for the rest of the time you and they are alive and in each other's lives, knowing that by living you are causing harm, but still having to keep going. Just keep living so no one has to feel like they have failed.
I suppose it's a little like the euthanasia debate but ramped up another level. If somebody is suffering, and they decide to end their life to end their suffering, why is that so hard to accept and understand? We are a society that keep animals as pets, and if they are ill and suffering, we won't allow them to continue living through that pain. It's better we let them go right!? So why are we not as compassionate with our own? I believe it's because we are too selfish and when a person dies, we don't mourn their life ending, we mourn what we have lost.. to the degree of not wanting to allow our fellow human beings a choice on ending severe suffering to save ourselves.
Death is a sad but inevitable part of life. The human race is killing the planet, killing its inhabitants and ourselves on mass scale. We are in the middle of a complete economical crisis, from all of our destruction on the planet for centuries. We have over populated, over polluted, decimated and destroyed vital natural resources for our own gains. Everything we do, ever, is selfish. So why is suicide so controversial?
If I die from a heart attack tomorrow. People will be sad and grieve sure, but they won't question if they should have/could have done something to change it! They won't be angry with me for not getting help, reaching out etc. If I got hit by a bus, and was on life support, no chance of coming back around, the decision to switch it off would be taken. Is suicide so far different from this? Does it deserve the stigma, extra anguish and pain it gets as a response?
I'm kinda rambling with no sense of where I'm going with this. And am definitely coming from a biased opinion. I recently attended a funeral of a dear family friend who had taken his own life. It was emotional and sad and I'm heart broken he has gone. But I'm also pleased for him that he could end his own pain. Relieved for him that instead of continuing to feel desperate he was able to resolve it. Jealous that he was brave enough to go through with it and find his peace. But of course.. I can't admit those feelings to anyone.
I have wanted to die since I was 13. There are times the thoughts are stronger and harder to deal with. There are times the thoughts are in the background and manageable. They have never, and probably will never, be gone for good. (Unless I convince some mental health professionals to conduct ect or find some form of meds that completely switch me off emotionally). Believe me, if there was a revolutionary new pill that fixes depression, anxiety disorders etc, I'd be front of the queue at the doctors for that prescription. Because living like this massively sucks.
For some.. Suicide is that exact pill and I totally understand, respect and actually feel empowered by those who manage to take it. As I know I will do it myself one day.
So maybe, maybe, I'm just asking that we stop feeding a narrative that suicide is somehow more tragic or a worse death to deal with. All death is tragic and hard for loved ones. Why do we have to categorise it, assign blame and dishonour around it, make it the biggest fear and worst pain? Why can't we begin to consider that ending our own lives isn't the massive 'failure' it's made out to be?
How do we start a discussion with people around it who believe it is something that can be fixed?
