Venting Resigning Myself to the Fact That I Will Die Alone

[Squidward]

LOL. I hope you didn't end up with any weird name hijinks. My mom got screwed over with that one. Her dad already had a made-up hillbilly name, and her parents' female version of it was no improvement.

The universe almost course corrected with me when I was around 3 or 4 when I got into some rat poison. Unfortunately, the hospital pumped my stomach before it could kill me. Missed opportunity there!

I was going to be McKayla. When I came out with a penis they just let my 7 year old brother name me. Surprisingly that turned out quite fine and I have a standard name. It was also pretty fitting, cuz my brother ended up being my father figure while my real dad slaved away to keep our finances covered. (Not a complaint, he tried and that's more than allot of people can say of their father)

 

[Dead Girl Don't Care]

I know this goes waaayyyy against the grain here, but I actually have a girlfriend atm.

I jump around relationships a lot though and keep most of them open relationships if I can. I have settled in with more than a few over the years, probably a cause of my needy clinginess at times. It's a wonder anyone dates me though really because I'm fucking terrible girlfriend material. I'm bipolar about wanting them around, depressed, prone to escapism, careless, pessimistic, dependent on self harm, have no real plans for the future, and the list goes on. But occasionally I can land a girl and add sex to the list of shit I do to keep myself busy for a few months until they realize I am actually a shitty dead-end of a person.

Really, a relationship is not a necessity to me though and I often think when I do ctb whoever I am with then, if anyone--or a roommate or whatever--will have a bad time, but then I realize, as awful as it is, that I don't really care, absolutely nothing matters in the end.

If you're wondering, current gf does know I am suicidal and could die anyday, she's pretty mental too in her own right so I guess it works for now. She is however an optimist and wants to be positive and get out of her depression and do something with her life and expects me to follow, we'll see how far that goes.

 

[FullFat]

I know this goes waaayyyy against the grain here, but I actually have a girlfriend atm.

I jump around relationships a lot though and keep most of them open relationships if I can. I have settled in with more than a few over the years, probably a cause of my needy clinginess at times. It's a wonder anyone dates me though really because I'm fucking terrible girlfriend material. I'm bipolar about wanting them around, depressed, prone to escapism, careless, pessimistic, dependent on self harm, have no real plans for the future, and the list goes on. But occasionally I can land a girl and add sex to the list of shit I do to keep myself busy for a few months until they realize I am actually a shitty dead-end of a person.

Really, a relationship is not a necessity to me though and I often think when I do ctb whoever I am with then, if anyone--or a roommate or whatever--will have a bad time, but then I realize, as awful as it is, that I don't really care, absolutely nothing matters in the end.

If you're wondering, current gf does know I am suicidal and could die anyday, she's pretty mental too in her own right so I guess it works for now. She is however an optimist and wants to be positive and get out of her depression and do something with her life and expects me to follow, we'll see how far that goes.

You don't sound happy about that state of affairs, so I feel like an asshole saying this, but I wish I were more like you in this respect. Maybe it's just "grass is always greener" or inexperience (probably both), but I just wish I didn't give a fuck about being in a committed relationship and was brave enough to pursue. Part of me still holds onto the hope I'll find someone, I guess, even though I know full well it would be a fucking disaster.

 

[Dead Girl Don't Care]

I'm not necessarily not happy, but more or less careless and unconcerned with whatever happens. Though don't mistake, I do enjoy having someone intimate around at times, it helps in some of the low moments and it can be nice to get out for a date night in public. But many of my relationships tend to be short lived or volatile and end because of my attitude and approach to everything. So I let whatever happens happen, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't on the Her app frequently looking for girls lol.

My advice is do go ahead and pursue, and don't be afraid of disaster. It might not be the most ethical thing, but having a devil-may-care, I-don't-care-what-happens attitude can go far. Yes, I've found these relationships--unless it's just a hookup--inevitably will dissolve if you don't actively care to put much into it, but the periods of being careless together while they last are worth it to me. The hard part--and what I don't is worth the trouble--is trying to find and maintain a long-term, committed relationship. We're suicidal anyway so why bother. Life is too short and meaningless to give a fuck if it fails or even happens. Don't lose hope, but also don't have hope, just go for your desires and let it happen. But this is only my mentality, and one adopted through a lot of past personal pain, so who am I to really give advice.

 

[LookMomImFlying]

I don't mean to be a melodramatic crybaby, but it is what it is. It used to bother me a lot more than it does now because it wasn't something I was actively choosing. Now, after more life experience with my mental illness, I know I am better off single. Anybody else purposefully avoiding a love life for these kinds of reasons?

Like a lot of foreveralone types, I have the unfortunate combo of being sensitive to rejection and having a personality that all but guarantees it. Plus, it would be cruel to drag someone into my life when I'm going to CTB young and have such persistent mental problems.

I've found this acceptance freeing. I feel more willing to pursue the short-term, FWB, and one night stand situations that may be achievable with some effort. I'm also not scared of my biological clock anymore. I don't want to inflict my genetics on anyone, thank you. For the same reason, I feel less pressure to pass as straight.

The fact of my nonexistent love life still eats at me though, especially when I remember my old hopes and dreams. Even though I no longer wish for a husband and white picket fences, I can remember how happy that picture used to make me. Nothing I see in my future now musters quite the same level of enthusiasm, I have to admit. Even the best case scenarios I dream up pale in comparison. I guess that's true of all young dreams though. Reality never lives up to our expectations.

I REALLY, REALLY wanted the whole wife and kids, home in the burbs, content with life thing, but my own immaturity and stupidity screwed up any chance of that. Its like "god" was throwing potential wives in my lap from the time I was 17-22. Like someone was trying to tell me "you keep screwing these things up, but we're going to keep giving you more chances at marriage" Now here I am in my 30s, haven't had sex in four years, haven't been in a date in five years, starting drinking alone about two years ago, and on the verge of jumping. I don't even think I'm mentally capable of a friend with benefits. I refuse to play with a woman's mind like that since I know I'm out of here. Like last week I contacted an old girlfriend (yes, because I was drunk) and we talked for two straight days. I started feeling good and social again, but realized I can't do it. I changed my phone number. It really sucks. I'll die alone too. But its ultimately my fault.

 

[great-ape99]

Actually, I'm closer to you on this. My timer is set to my parents' mortality. When they die, I go, but that's most likely years in the future. I will have no one left besides one friend who would understand.

Wow nice to meet someone that isn't planning on going anytime soon.

 

[silentinbetween]

its so, so nice to be able to relate so someone so completely. Its hard to accept that you'll never find love, isnt it. and you see people you used to know live their lives and find love and you want that so desperately but you know you're not worth enough. that there's no one even looking at you. actually this might be personal experience only... im sorry if this doesn't make sense im kind of dissolving right now haha

 

[737492]

I'm also accepting that I'm gonna die alone, but I'm different in the fact that I do pursue others.

I just never find anyone I actually connect with. The people I get interested in become unavailable or reject me. The only people I attract are people I can't see myself being with at all, or creeps who want to use me for sex.

It especially hurts because I did love someone. I still do. I can probably say we were "soulmates", as cheesy as that sounds, but it's what it felt like. But it was too good to be true and being together became pretty much impossible. I accepted that, but I still love them. And it eats at me every day knowing we'll never be together, and I'll never be able to find another person like them.

Even if I do date someone eventually, I know it will be an empty, meaningless relationship that won't satisfy me. I'll keep missing the person i wanted to actually be with. But i guess dating someone only for superficial things is better than being alone.