Venting A reminder to myself about survival instinct

[Polyxo]

Humans are miraculous beings. My experience has been defined by acknowledging that everyone is better than me, smarter than me, kinder than me. That I'm undeserving of a life as beautiful as those of others. Even the one I have now with all my privilege. I'm aware that these thoughts may as well be delusions of someone severely mentally ill, but they're real to me and the only way to escape is to CTB.

That being said, I have my SN. I have a plan to exit. The only things I truly need now are materials to make the scene of my death as neat as possible, to write my note, and a date to finally end my life.

And as it draws ever nearer, I become more and more aware of survival instinct. How it's the body and mind's last bastion to keep myself from achieving what I've always wanted since I was 12 years old. I can anticipate what justifications my brain will come up with to keep pointlessly living: how I have family who love me and care about me, who will be traumatized upon discovering my body. How easy it will be to fall for it.

I think the best thing to do for myself in the moment before I drink the SN will be to not think at all. To remember that I was never really living at all.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Not thinking is my plan for overcoming SI as well. I will set up a triggering situation, then focus entirely on the pain of the trigger. I have been practicing and I'm getting skilled at blocking my thoughts.

 

[Polyxo]

Not thinking is my plan for overcoming SI as well. I will set up a triggering situation, then focus entirely on the pain of the trigger. I have been practicing and I'm getting skilled at blocking my thoughts.

I'm so sorry it's come to this for you

 

[ChainedCrow]

first and foremost im so sorry it had to come to CTB to end your suffering. Unfortunetly survival instict exist to keep us in this miserable life all u can do is push forward it the only advice i can give is to not feel guilty about chosing to end your life its your choice to end your suffering and no matter people who will be sad/traumatized u have the right to chose if its worth living or not. Good luck im again sorry it had to come to this and much love i hope everything u wish comes in the afterlife becomes the reality and u feel the relief u are looking for

 

[Doll Steak]

Yes, I understand that. I dissociate so often basically every second of the day, that overcoming SI would be so easy when I eventually CTB.

Dissociation is what keeps me alive, but at the same time It will cause my end.

I'm very, very sorry it has to be like this.