dead lightbulb
consciousness is a curse
- Oct 8, 2022
- 52
Resentment. Every time that alarm tugs me up out of sleep, I wonder why I stayed in bed the night before instead of killing myself. I take a shower and make myself presentable enough because I'm paranoid that I reek in school. Every morning I stare out that small window in my grandmother's bathroom wondering to myself if my neighbors can see me naked through it's fogginess. Every school day I walk through the halls of that hellscape to a class I'm failing with tension marking my every step, every glance, every breathe. I try to blend in, to forget I exist. To pretend I'm spectating this place around me. It never works, and it gives me migraines. I can't bring myself to do any school work. Every class is spent trying to distract myself from my self consciousness and my hyper awareness of the people around me. Reading, drawing. Despite the obvious logic screaming otherwise, their eyes and whispered conversations are focused on me. In a moment of extreme anxiousness all rationale exits my body and leaves me to suffer in an uncomfortable awkwardness, sweat out of every pore, try not to shake like a caffeine addict. And then once the moment passes at lunch when I set my body down in the corner of an empty hallway, I curse myself for ever existing.
Resentment. One of my teachers told me she would allow me to turn in only a few assignments this quarter so she can make school less stressful for me and so I wouldn't fall behind in her class. She noticed me falling behind. And it's an AP class. That's the most thoughtful thing anyone's done for me in a long time and I almost cried after she finished the conversation with me. I feel so undeserving of such kindness. I'm slacking because of my own poor decisions, but she decided she would take some time out of her schedule to speak with one of her hundreds of students to make sure they could have a shot at doing better in her class. It was very kind of her to do, to say the least.
Resentment. Everybody hates me. I have a subliminal message written on my face that reads "This person is worthless". Or maybe it's a sixth sense. Either way, everybody hates me. Why are you going to ignore me in my own house but talk to everyone else if you don't hate me? Walk past me and turn your head around at the last second as if my eyeballs fell out of my head? Is it me? Is it you? What is this for? What is the reason?
Ok.... it's not me. For all my self loathing I know this isn't right. Why laugh with her but then turn around and look right through me. I lay down in bed after a long day of existing and curse the universe.
Resentment. I just want someone to like... me. I don't want to be approached with a smile because I'm related to so and so or for a favor. I want someone to walk up to me with a smile and ask me how I am.. if I need something.. how I'm doing.. if I want to do something with them.. with genuineness. I can only imagine.
No matter how well I try and articulate myself through text, my mind is the only place that knows of my truly miserable conditon. I don't care how cliche this sounds.. Nobody around me understands. No one gets it. I resent this all.
I've been coming to terms with my death. I've accepted that I'm going to kill myself, it's a matter of getting up out of bed and doing it now. I will definitely be afraid in my last moments but that's a given for me. I don't think I can every let go of my SI, but alcohol may alleviate it.
Here goes nothing
Resentment. One of my teachers told me she would allow me to turn in only a few assignments this quarter so she can make school less stressful for me and so I wouldn't fall behind in her class. She noticed me falling behind. And it's an AP class. That's the most thoughtful thing anyone's done for me in a long time and I almost cried after she finished the conversation with me. I feel so undeserving of such kindness. I'm slacking because of my own poor decisions, but she decided she would take some time out of her schedule to speak with one of her hundreds of students to make sure they could have a shot at doing better in her class. It was very kind of her to do, to say the least.
Resentment. Everybody hates me. I have a subliminal message written on my face that reads "This person is worthless". Or maybe it's a sixth sense. Either way, everybody hates me. Why are you going to ignore me in my own house but talk to everyone else if you don't hate me? Walk past me and turn your head around at the last second as if my eyeballs fell out of my head? Is it me? Is it you? What is this for? What is the reason?
Ok.... it's not me. For all my self loathing I know this isn't right. Why laugh with her but then turn around and look right through me. I lay down in bed after a long day of existing and curse the universe.
Resentment. I just want someone to like... me. I don't want to be approached with a smile because I'm related to so and so or for a favor. I want someone to walk up to me with a smile and ask me how I am.. if I need something.. how I'm doing.. if I want to do something with them.. with genuineness. I can only imagine.
No matter how well I try and articulate myself through text, my mind is the only place that knows of my truly miserable conditon. I don't care how cliche this sounds.. Nobody around me understands. No one gets it. I resent this all.
I've been coming to terms with my death. I've accepted that I'm going to kill myself, it's a matter of getting up out of bed and doing it now. I will definitely be afraid in my last moments but that's a given for me. I don't think I can every let go of my SI, but alcohol may alleviate it.
Here goes nothing
