CumbriaCTB
Member
- Jul 15, 2025
- 33
I hope this thread finds you well.
I've had this particular CTB plan since May after discovering that the hatch to my loft does in fact open (I was told it was sealed shut?) and that there is a sturdy beam literally right next to the opening that seems to be a brilliant anchor point for full suspension. Originally, I was planning to enter the nearby industrial estate at night and use a raised metal platform as an anchor point so an in-home CTB opportunity was a godsend for me.
While I am fairly confident of this plan being a success, I still naturally have a healthy bit of scepticism. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm missing something big here. Although this is not my first CTB attempt, it is my first full suspension attempt. It would be great to get a second pair of eyes on this and obviously this is the only place I'm able to ask without being gaslit in the replies or banned by the moderators. The last thing I want is to fail carotid constriction and end up dying in minutes of agony from asphyxiation while fully conscious; even worse would be surviving the attempt with permanent brain damage.
[Apologies for the links: I'm in the UK and image uploading doesn't want to play nice with my VPN.]
View From Top of Stairs
I've actually had this thing set up since the start of May - yes, I do walk past the stool and noose every time I go to the toilet - so I can act on an impulse before survival instinct stops me. I've even gotten halfway on a double-digit number of occasions: I would have an episode and make a mad dash for the stairs, hop on the stool, noose around my neck and then... nothing. I keep fixating on how unpleasant those 15~30 seconds for carotid constriction to do its thing will be even though the average flashback I get causes me extreme agony, makes me cut myself, and I often end up coming back to my senses having destroyed yet another piece of furniture; everything in this house is owned by me and therefore my responsibility to replace.
I know I want to die and have done so since the age of 10. I'm 24 now: no friends/family, no employment history, no higher education, therapy-resistant CPTSD with flashbacks multiple times per day, neurological issues making socialising a chore with little reward, chronic anhedonia preventing me from enjoying time spent alone or with most other people, a cycle of being used-and-abused in toxic relationships, trapped in a region with a hostile culture and a looming demographic crisis (West Cumbria's population pyramid is fully inverted) with no means of emigration to other parts of the UK available to me, and 100% reliant on government benefits and social housing for survival which means that I have zero long-term prospects for recovery; in fact, things are getting worse as time goes on. Whether I CTB tonight or CTB in a few years when the DWP stops my money doesn't matter; I'll be hanging from a noose either way so why not just get it over with before I ruin yet another night with yet another flashback?
Is alcohol the solution? From my own experience, 6-7 shots (150-175ml) of 37.5% vodka consumed in quick succession is enough to pretty much turn my emotions off while retaining a relatively safe level of motor control - I've been able to take a shower, shave my arms + legs, go to the shops, and operate a stove without accident while under the influence - so, in theory, being normal-for-me levels of drunk should suppress SI while not preventing me carrying out the CTB plan. My plan for tonight is to measure out 175ml of the vodka (I'm not actually a casual drinker; I measure it out and dose it as a last-resort emotional painkiller) and just stand on the stool with the noose around my neck - no kicking the stool. If I don't get that sinking "uh oh" feeling in my gut and don't fall off of the stool then I'll know to have 175ml of vodka on-hand for the next time I get a real suicidal impulse.
I would love to hear everybody's feedback here. And, please, feel free to shoot as many holes in my plan as you wish - don't be shy, now. I'd like for this plan to be foolproof and any flaw, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, is something worth considering. Thank you so much for making it this far!
I've had this particular CTB plan since May after discovering that the hatch to my loft does in fact open (I was told it was sealed shut?) and that there is a sturdy beam literally right next to the opening that seems to be a brilliant anchor point for full suspension. Originally, I was planning to enter the nearby industrial estate at night and use a raised metal platform as an anchor point so an in-home CTB opportunity was a godsend for me.
While I am fairly confident of this plan being a success, I still naturally have a healthy bit of scepticism. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm missing something big here. Although this is not my first CTB attempt, it is my first full suspension attempt. It would be great to get a second pair of eyes on this and obviously this is the only place I'm able to ask without being gaslit in the replies or banned by the moderators. The last thing I want is to fail carotid constriction and end up dying in minutes of agony from asphyxiation while fully conscious; even worse would be surviving the attempt with permanent brain damage.
[Apologies for the links: I'm in the UK and image uploading doesn't want to play nice with my VPN.]
View From Top of Stairs
- The entrance to the loft is upstairs in this really awkward, tight spot. I do worry that the nearby walls and doorways could cause problems if survival instinct takes over.
- The bottom step of the stool folds inwards - I can step up onto the stool and fold the bottom step to make the stool easier to kick over.
- The bathroom window has that foggy-privacy glaze thing over it so the neighbours can't see what I'm doing. There are no other windows with visibility of the noose.
- I have taken some measurements and I am confident that the noose is positioned high enough so that not even my tip-toes will touch the floor. I'm 185cm so this is a legitimate concern of mine. Floor-to-ceiling height is just over 2 metres.
- This is actually two bowline knots. I had an extra metre of rope (full length is 3 metres) and needed to get it out of the way. I'm not sure if double-knotting does anything but I can't imagine it harming the CTB attempt in any way.
- Both of the knots are tied to the 45-degree wooden beam on the right.
- I've pulled downward on the noose with all of my strength and neither the knots nor the wooden beam showed any sign of giving way so I'm pretty sure it will hold my weight; I don't own scales but I'm around 75~80kg normally.
- The rope is 18mm braided polyester which I purchased from a maritime supplier.
- I have confirmed that the noose knot is self-tightening when pulled down with my forearm inside the hole.
- I have also tied the noose around my neck while attached to its anchor point - it's easy to get my head through and pre-tighten prior to kicking the stool.
I've actually had this thing set up since the start of May - yes, I do walk past the stool and noose every time I go to the toilet - so I can act on an impulse before survival instinct stops me. I've even gotten halfway on a double-digit number of occasions: I would have an episode and make a mad dash for the stairs, hop on the stool, noose around my neck and then... nothing. I keep fixating on how unpleasant those 15~30 seconds for carotid constriction to do its thing will be even though the average flashback I get causes me extreme agony, makes me cut myself, and I often end up coming back to my senses having destroyed yet another piece of furniture; everything in this house is owned by me and therefore my responsibility to replace.
I know I want to die and have done so since the age of 10. I'm 24 now: no friends/family, no employment history, no higher education, therapy-resistant CPTSD with flashbacks multiple times per day, neurological issues making socialising a chore with little reward, chronic anhedonia preventing me from enjoying time spent alone or with most other people, a cycle of being used-and-abused in toxic relationships, trapped in a region with a hostile culture and a looming demographic crisis (West Cumbria's population pyramid is fully inverted) with no means of emigration to other parts of the UK available to me, and 100% reliant on government benefits and social housing for survival which means that I have zero long-term prospects for recovery; in fact, things are getting worse as time goes on. Whether I CTB tonight or CTB in a few years when the DWP stops my money doesn't matter; I'll be hanging from a noose either way so why not just get it over with before I ruin yet another night with yet another flashback?
Is alcohol the solution? From my own experience, 6-7 shots (150-175ml) of 37.5% vodka consumed in quick succession is enough to pretty much turn my emotions off while retaining a relatively safe level of motor control - I've been able to take a shower, shave my arms + legs, go to the shops, and operate a stove without accident while under the influence - so, in theory, being normal-for-me levels of drunk should suppress SI while not preventing me carrying out the CTB plan. My plan for tonight is to measure out 175ml of the vodka (I'm not actually a casual drinker; I measure it out and dose it as a last-resort emotional painkiller) and just stand on the stool with the noose around my neck - no kicking the stool. If I don't get that sinking "uh oh" feeling in my gut and don't fall off of the stool then I'll know to have 175ml of vodka on-hand for the next time I get a real suicidal impulse.
I would love to hear everybody's feedback here. And, please, feel free to shoot as many holes in my plan as you wish - don't be shy, now. I'd like for this plan to be foolproof and any flaw, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, is something worth considering. Thank you so much for making it this far!
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