Venting Repressed feelings coming up. I'm ready to die

[Livingvsdying25]

23 yrs of abuse from everyone & anyone that got a chance to do so. 23 yrs of being the scapegoat. Being blamed for everything. Being told my feelings didn't matter, that I didn't matter, being told in covert & overt ways that I didn't have a right to live. It just got worse the older I got.

This among other things has really been making me feel very angry this week.


This as well as all the stupid fucking health issues. None of which have a cure and none of which have a clear guaranteed to work treatment option.

Have told the majority / main support system to leave me alone. Im not looking to be saved or supported this time around. I don't want to be surrounded by people tryna support me to want to live again when that's not what I want.

God the amount of effort it's taken lately to not let the huge amount if emptiness inside swallow me up is fucking insane & exhausting. No capacity or ability to really enjoy anything.

Ive been wanting to die this heavily for the last 7 yrs. Only thing keeping me here is the method struggles. Same old same old.


This time around though im not looking to turn back towards life. Im not sure what the breaking point per say was but I'm fucking done.


Now it's just back to the same stupid frustrating aspects of a method & execution.

This time around though I am leaving this world for good. Im done. Officially.


Not just determined but certain. Do not have a timeline. Just as soon as I can figure out the method that will kill me for good

 

[Aisley]

If you continue in this resolve, I hope you try MAID before you try anything else. You really don't have anything to lose, and your health issues may qualify you.

 

[bedhead_baby]

I'm very sorry. For what it's worth, your feelings are valid and do matter. I see you, and I take no joy in your suffering. I wish I could be there for you guys irl.

I hope you find what you're looking for, and that the next few days, months, or years aren't too terrible to you.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

If you continue in this resolve, I hope you try MAID before you try anything else. You really don't have anything to lose, and your health issues may qualify you.

It's a whole process of even finding a doctor that will take me on. The women on the phone made it seem like its unlikely bc doctors that will take on people that aren't terminally ill are super booked/busy.

Doesn't seem like it's likely. My doctor has to refer me first.

Feels like a process that's too long rn.

I'm very sorry. For what it's worth, your feelings are valid and do matter. I see you, and I take no joy in your suffering. I wish I could be there for you guys irl.

I hope you find what you're looking for, and that the next few days, months, or years aren't too terrible to you.

Thanks for this comment & compassion

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, existence is just too cruel. I hope that you eventually find the freedom you are searching for.