Venting Reminiscing on past plans to CTB

[card1nal]

As a child, anytime I was thinking of plans to CTB, I'd always imagine writing letters to anyone I'd ever loved or known before going through with it. I'm very sentimental, and I love the feeling of loving others. I prioritize loving others over loving myself because I want everyone to be happy. In my mind, I thought that if I wrote letters to every person I'd ever loved or known, no one would feel forgotten and they might even feel less saddened by my death. I wanted to make every letter personal; I wanted these people to feel how much I loved them, even as I was preparing myself to CTB.

Now that I've had time to reflect on those moments, I feel terrible. I now know that many of those people I would've written letters to wouldn't have even been saddened by my death in the first place. I would have wasted so much of my mental energy and put all the love that I had into those letters, despite my love being mostly unrequited. I'm at a point in my life where I'm grieving over my childhood, and now I'm forced to face the innocent and loving child that would've written countless letters to people who didn't care, all to ease others' pain.

 

[letmegetout]

I'm sorry to read this

 

[FuneralCry]

It's true that most people really don't care, they only care about themselves and the reality is that people are so incredibly disappointing and you just cannot trust them. But it must be painful what you have to go through, it's just so incredibly unfair how all this endless suffering exists here in this world.