Relief

[xrayyankee]

Hey, folks.
Long time lurker, I finally made an account.

Today, I feel relieved. I have chosen the date I'll CTB and narrowed it down between two methods, N or SN. I have decided that I'll be renting a hotel room for a week. I'll spend a few days writing the notes, enjoying a good meal and listening to all my favorite songs. I'll then fast two days, and finally on the 4th or 5th day, I'll ingest the poison and enjoy a peaceful rest.

Right now I'm on family vacation, the last few days I'll spend with them. At first I felt guilty, until I remembered how they treat me and truly feel about me.

I picked up my moms phone to pass it to her and saw a message she sent my sister "I can't wait until she gets her shit together, she's always broke and high" (I'm a daily marijuana user to treat the symptoms of bipolar depression and ptsd. Oh! I also forgot to mention that I'll spend top dollar to get the dankest buds to smoke during my final days). I've realized that I'm nothing but a burden to my family, and though they might be sad after the fact, they will eventually move on and live out their lives.

Life has been tough, man. Growing up with a drug addicted father, an emotionally (sometimes physically) abusive mother, being different from a lot of people, years of mental illness even as a child, years of emotionally abusive relationships, an alcoholic partner who OD'd, legal issues. I'm ready to GTFO. I hate life and this is the happiest day I've had in a while.

I'm rambling now.
Thanks if you made it this far.
☮
Angie

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have suffered a lot. This life really can be so awful and unfair. I understand why you would be so relieved, the thought of dying is comforting for me as well. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[xrayyankee]

It sounds like you have suffered a lot. This life really can be so awful and unfair. I understand why you would be so relieved, the thought of dying is comforting for me as well. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond, life really is ugly sometimes. I wish the same for you, friend.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Welcome officially to SS, write as much as you want to, I hope you can find reprieve or perhaps companionship in your time on this site. How was the vacation, were you able to enjoy it at all? I'm just returning from something similar but I just feel numb. That's really awful the text you saw from your mother, I'm sorry for all you've had to endure up until this point, I'm sure it was incredibly hard. Do you mind if I ask what your date is? With SN and N you might need to make sure to factor in enough time for shipping and make sure they're available. I hope you're able to pursue whatever course of action you feel is best for yourself and can find peace, best wishes whatever you do.

 

[magicalsarcoma]

I hope that life has been pleasant for you at least in some way. It's sad that you're unlucky with your relatives, but what to say, life sucks, we in it, i believe, are able to choose only a part of what surrounds us. Regarding the guilt you have experienced, I would like to remind you that you are not responsible for the thoughts of other people and their actions if you're not their boss. And the least useful and worthwhile thing is to worry about those people who didn't worry about you. But i guess you know that, hah. I think that spending the last days in the described position is a good solution. I'd like that too, but I'm not sure it will be possible. Good luck on the clouds, into oblivion or wherever else where luck exists

 

[xrayyankee]

Welcome officially to SS, write as much as you want to, I hope you can find reprieve or perhaps companionship in your time on this site. How was the vacation, were you able to enjoy it at all? I'm just returning from something similar but I just feel numb. That's really awful the text you saw from your mother, I'm sorry for all you've had to endure up until this point, I'm sure it was incredibly hard. Do you mind if I ask what your date is? With SN and N you might need to make sure to factor in enough time for shipping and make sure they're available. I hope you're able to pursue whatever course of action you feel is best for yourself and can find peace, best wishes whatever you do.

Honestly, the entire trip was so unpleasant to me, most of the time I had to put on a poker face, when inside all I wanted go do was break down and cry. When I wasn't sad, I felt numb, disassociated, almost like everything was surreal. I don't know how to explain it. I often found myself daydreaming about CBT, and how I would do it. What my last moments would feel like, only then did I feel a sense of relief and peace.

The highlight of the trip was meeting my sisters bf, he's a half way decent guy and I'm so happy for her. Seeing her in a healthy relationship is bittersweet because it simultaneously reminds me about how I've never had one, and how my current partner could never meet my parents without harsh judgment- rightfully so. It's a long story but when I met him my life took a complete 180. He's not a good influence, and in this relationship I feel trapped, hopeless and sad. But I continue to stay and I don't know why.

Funny, I was just thinking about the shipping time. Might need to reassess my date, too much wishful thinking, I suppose. I found some SN online that could be delivered by 4/20, and fortunately, I have my ways of getting anti-enemics very easily within a few days notice, the prescription strength ones. Factoring everything into account, I want to CTB Friday May 13th.
For a few reasons, but mostly because it's a cool date and I always loved the movies .

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond, and for the welcome. I'm looking forward to getting to know other users and hearing their stories. I want to help others feel not so alone in this journey as well as find companionship on mine.

Also- question, I don't have a search bar yet, but any idea about combined methods? I'm also considering the exit bag method to double up and make sure there is no chance of survival, I've heard of cases of people using the exit bag method and waking up to a headache because survival instincts kicked in and they ripped the bag off in a daze. I've also heard of failed SN attempts, so two method at once seems like good measure, thoughts?


Angie

 

[LittleJem]

abusive families are teh worst. Sorry they are so shitty. It's not your fault they have no compassion or understanding for your suffering.

At least you know the truth. That you are medicating to help you with your suffering and there is nothing wrong with that at all - anyone would do the same in your position.

we are just lucky we have access to weed! Weed is the best!

 

[outrider567]

Honestly, the entire trip was so unpleasant to me, most of the time I had to put on a poker face, when inside all I wanted go do was break down and cry. When I wasn't sad, I felt numb, disassociated, almost like everything was surreal. I don't know how to explain it. I often found myself daydreaming about CBT, and how I would do it. What my last moments would feel like, only then did I feel a sense of relief and peace.

The highlight of the trip was meeting my sisters bf, he's a half way decent guy and I'm so happy for her. Seeing her in a healthy relationship is bittersweet because it simultaneously reminds me about how I've never had one, and how my current partner could never meet my parents without harsh judgment- rightfully so. It's a long story but when I met him my life took a complete 180. He's not a good influence, and in this relationship I feel trapped, hopeless and sad. But I continue to stay and I don't know why.

Funny, I was just thinking about the shipping time. Might need to reassess my date, too much wishful thinking, I suppose. I found some SN online that could be delivered by 4/20, and fortunately, I have my ways of getting anti-enemics very easily within a few days notice, the prescription strength ones. Factoring everything into account, I want to CTB Friday May 13th.
For a few reasons, but mostly because it's a cool date and I always loved the movies .

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond, and for the welcome. I'm looking forward to getting to know other users and hearing their stories. I want to help others feel not so alone in this journey as well as find companionship on mine.

Also- question, I don't have a search bar yet, but any idea about combined methods? I'm also considering the exit bag method to double up and make sure there is no chance of survival, I've heard of cases of people using the exit bag method and waking up to a headache because survival instincts kicked in and they ripped the bag off in a daze. I've also heard of failed SN attempts, so two method at once seems like good measure, thoughts?


Angie

The one method Using sleeping pills with the plastic bag has worked for some but failed for others,as the body panics with too much Co2 in the bag

 

[CommitSudoku]

I've also heard of failed SN attempts, so two method at once seems like good measure, thoughts?

I think it depends if you had easy or relatively easy access to other methods and then how well they could fit together. I see myself just taking SN, I don't think I have the energy to prepare more than one unless it's hanging. Just make sure any other method you have doesn't clash with any meds you use with SN if you go that route as well as make sure potential side effects won't compile (ex. don't do something that would further make you nauseous).