Stock Man
Member
- Jan 7, 2024
- 18
Hey all,
I'm just not feeling the best atm.
I don't see a venting area anywhere so if there is one, please share. Saying that though, this post is gonna be pretty suicidal too so idk where it would go best.
I'm in a relationship right now. We've been together for about a year and a half now and it's been really, really good when we're together in person. But on the phone and texting, it's super toxic. It's a high school relationship, and I know what people might think but please don't scoff at this because it's a high school thing. And just in case there's anyone worried about my age and wants to report me or some shit, I'm 18, in grade 12.
I won't bore you with details and stuff but they're in a transitional position and in a very unsupportive family with a very overbearing and shitty mom, and somehow everything I do from not waking up to an alarm to having to cancel plans because of something that is completely reasonable is my fault and makes me the worst boyfriend ever and I just don't understand. I can't talk without starting an argument apparently, and I'm always ALWAYS in the wrong.
I know it's a lot of my partner's pent up anger towards their mom and that they don't mean a lot of it, but after a year and a half of canceling plans with best friends and being told that I can't do the classes I signed up for or the extracurriculars that I want and need for my future, just to be with him? Fuck that.
I have tried so many times to make sense of it all, find new ways to spend time with him, give the best support I can, but it's backhanded comments and passive aggressive responses. I've attempted a few methods of ctb, but they haven't worked because I'm scared of dying and I didn't want to ctb because of some shitty relationship. I'm so scared of what will happen if I break things up, and I'm reaching the end of my rope. I'm peeling my nails off and bleeding, I'm chewing my lips, I'm hurting myself just to feel anything that isn't guilt, or sadness. But it's not strong enough. I don't really want to die, but if there's something that I can do to stop the feelings that I'm feeling, I might just end it.
I'm sorry again for this, I know this is like a mini essay. But I'm just trying to survive. Thank you so much for being here for me and if you have anything to say or ideas, I'd love to hear them… I'm so tired of this bullshit..
I'm just not feeling the best atm.
I don't see a venting area anywhere so if there is one, please share. Saying that though, this post is gonna be pretty suicidal too so idk where it would go best.
I'm in a relationship right now. We've been together for about a year and a half now and it's been really, really good when we're together in person. But on the phone and texting, it's super toxic. It's a high school relationship, and I know what people might think but please don't scoff at this because it's a high school thing. And just in case there's anyone worried about my age and wants to report me or some shit, I'm 18, in grade 12.
I won't bore you with details and stuff but they're in a transitional position and in a very unsupportive family with a very overbearing and shitty mom, and somehow everything I do from not waking up to an alarm to having to cancel plans because of something that is completely reasonable is my fault and makes me the worst boyfriend ever and I just don't understand. I can't talk without starting an argument apparently, and I'm always ALWAYS in the wrong.
I know it's a lot of my partner's pent up anger towards their mom and that they don't mean a lot of it, but after a year and a half of canceling plans with best friends and being told that I can't do the classes I signed up for or the extracurriculars that I want and need for my future, just to be with him? Fuck that.
I have tried so many times to make sense of it all, find new ways to spend time with him, give the best support I can, but it's backhanded comments and passive aggressive responses. I've attempted a few methods of ctb, but they haven't worked because I'm scared of dying and I didn't want to ctb because of some shitty relationship. I'm so scared of what will happen if I break things up, and I'm reaching the end of my rope. I'm peeling my nails off and bleeding, I'm chewing my lips, I'm hurting myself just to feel anything that isn't guilt, or sadness. But it's not strong enough. I don't really want to die, but if there's something that I can do to stop the feelings that I'm feeling, I might just end it.
I'm sorry again for this, I know this is like a mini essay. But I'm just trying to survive. Thank you so much for being here for me and if you have anything to say or ideas, I'd love to hear them… I'm so tired of this bullshit..
