misukiimikki
trying to find the meaning of life <3
- Sep 29, 2023
- 12
hello !! it's me again.. I haven't been on SS since…. september of last year?? well.. maybe I should explain a bit on why I was gone.
well, as I spoke about in a previous post, I had began cutting, and was consistently cutting. around… mid, maybe late september(depends on what you think mid sep is), I decided that life.. just wasn't worth living anymore.
so I tried to ctb by cutting.
It was.. the scariest experience in my life. whilst my mind knew this was what I wanted, I could feel myself trying to escape my inevitable death. the blood was what scared me the most. I had ran a bath and sat in it to do this. it was.. a pretty impulsive decision to say the least, since there wasn't anyway I would've been able to actually die from staying in there.
the reason being, my boyfriend was staying right outside the door. he wanted to come in, but I insisted I was fine. he knows about my SH and he has been adamant on trying his best to get me to quit. saying that it's not healthy to want to hurt myself.
I understand it isn't healthy, for anyone who reads this and agrees with him. But it was the only thing keeping me under a certain panic point. this impulsiveness I think stemmed from him trying to cold turkey me. I would hide it from him. use lighters to burn myself whenever he was gone. stick my hand in boiling water sometimes.
most ended in trips to an ER and my boyfriends angry face everytime. i feel horrid for doing this to him. he shouldn't have to deal with someone like me. I've pleaded with him multiple times to leave, that I wasn't his problem and he didn't have to take care of me. but he refuses, and demands that I don't think that way.
but back to my story, he was sitting outside, talking to me, whilst I grabbed a hidden razor behind the toilet. I don't understand why I didn't think he would catch on atm, but I didn't. I was trying my best to respond but after I was done slicing, words became a lot harder.. to form.
he caught onto this, calling my name multiple times. I don't remember much after he broke his way into the bathroom.
I woke up in the hospital after that. I remember maybe being in an ambulance but.. it's really fuzzy. to skip all of this, I was in a mental health hospital for a long long time. 2 months to be exact. yet.. everythiny was good after I was released. I was happy, for the first time.. in months, I was actually happy. I didn't have the feeling to ctb or sh either!!
until my birthday. my birthday is march 7th, and I was expecting my family to go all out, like they had done before. yet.. when I woke up on march 7th, I walked into an empty house, no decor, no gifts, no family. I began to start crying, realizing my mom was the person who did all of this and since she was gone, I didn't really have anyone else. my boyfriend, the sweetheart he is, tried to console me. although, he also couldn't be with me on my birthday, having to go to his grandmas the night before because of family issues.
i was all alone, in a house that i was never allowed to be alone in. it wasn't my immediate thought, sh was far from the first. I tried calming myself down by using methods I was taught, but it only made it worse. I tried calling my therapist only to be sent to voicemail. what sent me off the edge was loosing the last lifeline, my boyfriend. He had to go to help his grandma. He asked if I needed him to stay, but I denied him. I didn't want to look like the crazy girlfriend I did before. His family isn't too kind of me because of all of this.
To end this because it's getting really long is, I relapsed. Not just one cut but.. multiple. my boyfriend is getting back next week, and i'm still SHing. I don't want him to see me like this, I promised him I would stop, i'm scared that he's going to be furious with me.
Does anyone have any tips that will stop me from SHing, cold turkey??
well, as I spoke about in a previous post, I had began cutting, and was consistently cutting. around… mid, maybe late september(depends on what you think mid sep is), I decided that life.. just wasn't worth living anymore.
so I tried to ctb by cutting.
It was.. the scariest experience in my life. whilst my mind knew this was what I wanted, I could feel myself trying to escape my inevitable death. the blood was what scared me the most. I had ran a bath and sat in it to do this. it was.. a pretty impulsive decision to say the least, since there wasn't anyway I would've been able to actually die from staying in there.
the reason being, my boyfriend was staying right outside the door. he wanted to come in, but I insisted I was fine. he knows about my SH and he has been adamant on trying his best to get me to quit. saying that it's not healthy to want to hurt myself.
I understand it isn't healthy, for anyone who reads this and agrees with him. But it was the only thing keeping me under a certain panic point. this impulsiveness I think stemmed from him trying to cold turkey me. I would hide it from him. use lighters to burn myself whenever he was gone. stick my hand in boiling water sometimes.
most ended in trips to an ER and my boyfriends angry face everytime. i feel horrid for doing this to him. he shouldn't have to deal with someone like me. I've pleaded with him multiple times to leave, that I wasn't his problem and he didn't have to take care of me. but he refuses, and demands that I don't think that way.
but back to my story, he was sitting outside, talking to me, whilst I grabbed a hidden razor behind the toilet. I don't understand why I didn't think he would catch on atm, but I didn't. I was trying my best to respond but after I was done slicing, words became a lot harder.. to form.
he caught onto this, calling my name multiple times. I don't remember much after he broke his way into the bathroom.
I woke up in the hospital after that. I remember maybe being in an ambulance but.. it's really fuzzy. to skip all of this, I was in a mental health hospital for a long long time. 2 months to be exact. yet.. everythiny was good after I was released. I was happy, for the first time.. in months, I was actually happy. I didn't have the feeling to ctb or sh either!!
until my birthday. my birthday is march 7th, and I was expecting my family to go all out, like they had done before. yet.. when I woke up on march 7th, I walked into an empty house, no decor, no gifts, no family. I began to start crying, realizing my mom was the person who did all of this and since she was gone, I didn't really have anyone else. my boyfriend, the sweetheart he is, tried to console me. although, he also couldn't be with me on my birthday, having to go to his grandmas the night before because of family issues.
i was all alone, in a house that i was never allowed to be alone in. it wasn't my immediate thought, sh was far from the first. I tried calming myself down by using methods I was taught, but it only made it worse. I tried calling my therapist only to be sent to voicemail. what sent me off the edge was loosing the last lifeline, my boyfriend. He had to go to help his grandma. He asked if I needed him to stay, but I denied him. I didn't want to look like the crazy girlfriend I did before. His family isn't too kind of me because of all of this.
To end this because it's getting really long is, I relapsed. Not just one cut but.. multiple. my boyfriend is getting back next week, and i'm still SHing. I don't want him to see me like this, I promised him I would stop, i'm scared that he's going to be furious with me.
Does anyone have any tips that will stop me from SHing, cold turkey??
