“Relapse” today

[EmpathyMinded]

Things have been going so well. I've been genuinely smiling a lot this last month. I thought I forgot how to do that, or feel hope.

And then today, I got terrible news. I don't want to get into the specifics, it doesn't matter. What matters is it made me feel hopeless all over again. Broken from the inside out. When I came home and looked at the Total Gym I use to work out, I saw the strong cable that connects to the handles you grab for exercise. It's strong, very strong…strong enough to hold the weight of a grown man.

And the thought crossed my mind as it has before, though not for months now. I don't know if it counts as a relapse or not since I didn't attempt. But it was significant for me. I felt the urge, but settled for throwing myself in bed and crying until I was hollow. But I at least got that far and feel ashamed on top of everything else I was upset about in the first place.

It just doesn't seem fair. I've made my mistakes in life but I do what I can to take care of people and fight for happiness for myself…still, I just feel like I'll never be enough. For anyone. For everyone. I tell myself things will be okay, but times like right now, I can't. It would be like explaining color to a blind man. But I want to see the color so badly. I'll keep trying because it's in my nature, and I can't very well encourage others if I won't follow my own advice. But I'll find no happiness today.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Sadly, this is just the way life is. Circumstances change all the time, good things happen, then bad things happen, and so on. No one's life goes well all the time, and recovery doesn't mean you'll walk with a petrified grin on your face for the rest of your life, immune to all the shit the world can throw at you.

For whatever it might be worth, I think the fact that you saw those cables, had those thoughts, and were able to let the thoughts go is a sign that you're on a better path. I don't know your story or your specific situation, but in this post I read someone who is now dealing with something bad but isn't letting it crush them, difficult as it might seem. Crying, venting, it's all normal. You don't have to find happiness today, you're allowed to feel sad, process the news you got today, and figure out a response. If you want to see the colour, what matters is that you deal with the negatives as they come, and keep pushing. You'll see colours for a time, your sight will get blurry and cloudy now and then. It doesn't mean you've failed or that you'll never see the colours again. It just means you're human, and you're doing the best you can.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, EmpathyMinded. Sounds like you're going through a bit of a rough patch in your recovery. Speaking from experience, it can be pretty awful to feel like you've 'got it', so to speak, found some sort of peace or happiness or purpose, and then something changes and whatever you did to get there just isn't working anymore. Actually, it's more than awful. It's...oppressively debilitating.

I wish I could sit here and tell you it's just a hiccup, and you'll get to the other side of it, but I haven't found that to be the case myself. Rather, recovery often seems to be this steady back and forth, feeling okay for a little while, falling back down, and grappling with the same things over and over again. And that's when nothing else is going on. Whatever terrible news it was that you received, well, that only makes things worse.

Moreover, it seems like you're not just concerned about yourself. To hear you describe it, it seems like you want to he better for other people too. You mentioned not being 'enough'. For anyone. For everyone. There is a distinction here, and I feel it speaks volumes. If I had to guess, I'd say at least part of your sense of self, your worth, is built on that, being enough for the people around you. So when you're in a bad place, it isn't just you that you're worried about. Because being in a bad place affects your ability to be enough for others.

If I may ask, what does 'enough' look like? If you had to describe it to me, what a version of you who was enough would say and do and be, how would you go about it? And is that something you'd expect of anyone else, in order for them to be enough? For myself, I've found that expectations of what I 'should' be and the things I should be doing very often weigh me down to the point that I can't be or do anything at all. Maybe you experience something of the same?

That being said, yes, you had an unpleasant thought, but you didn't act on it. You at least know where you're trying to get to. You feel feelings, even if they're bad ones (some people go numb, a really bad sign), and you have the heart to keep trying, even if it's just to live your own advice. And that's something I very much understand. It's a good start, and I'd like to hope that once you've had time to process whatever it is that's happened to you, you'll be able to make some headway again. Just be aware that this won't be the last time. You're going to fall back down here again, even if you climb back out. It's gonna happen. But you do get a feel for climbing out again.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Sadly, this is just the way life is. Circumstances change all the time, good things happen, then bad things happen, and so on. No one's life goes well all the time, and recovery doesn't mean you'll walk with a petrified grin on your face for the rest of your life, immune to all the shit the world can throw at you.

For whatever it might be worth, I think the fact that you saw those cables, had those thoughts, and were able to let the thoughts go is a sign that you're on a better path. I don't know your story or your specific situation, but in this post I read someone who is now dealing with something bad but isn't letting it crush them, difficult as it might seem. Crying, venting, it's all normal. You don't have to find happiness today, you're allowed to feel sad, process the news you got today, and figure out a response. If you want to see the colour, what matters is that you deal with the negatives as they come, and keep pushing. You'll see colours for a time, your sight will get blurry and cloudy now and then. It doesn't mean you've failed or that you'll never see the colours again. It just means you're human, and you're doing the best you can.

You hit the nail on the head. There are always liable to be difficult setbacks, this particular one just hit extra hard because it seemed like it was symbolic of the happiness I can find going forward, or rather, that I can't. Anything is possible in the future and overspeculating about it isn't a great idea, it's just this wound struck deep. It's hard to listen to "the pain won't last" when the knife is still twisting inside me. But I'll do my best to keep in mind what you said. I know it's true, I believe it myself, it's just getting back to that.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

Recovery isn't ever going to be linear. A setback doesn't mean you're going to backslide permanently. Don't attach too much importance to it.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Hey there, EmpathyMinded. Sounds like you're going through a bit of a rough patch in your recovery. Speaking from experience, it can be pretty awful to feel like you've 'got it', so to speak, found some sort of peace or happiness or purpose, and then something changes and whatever you did to get there just isn't working anymore. Actually, it's more than awful. It's...oppressively debilitating.

I wish I could sit here and tell you it's just a hiccup, and you'll get to the other side of it, but I haven't found that to be the case myself. Rather, recovery often seems to be this steady back and forth, feeling okay for a little while, falling back down, and grappling with the same things over and over again. And that's when nothing else is going on. Whatever terrible news it was that you received, well, that only makes things worse.

Moreover, it seems like you're not just concerned about yourself. To hear you describe it, it seems like you want to he better for other people too. You mentioned not being 'enough'. For anyone. For everyone. There is a distinction here, and I feel it speaks volumes. If I had to guess, I'd say at least part of your sense of self, your worth, is built on that, being enough for the people around you. So when you're in a bad place, it isn't just you that you're worried about. Because being in a bad place affects your ability to be enough for others.

If I may ask, what does 'enough' look like? If you had to describe it to me, what a version of you who was enough would say and do and be, how would you go about it? And is that something you'd expect of anyone else, in order for them to be enough? For myself, I've found that expectations of what I 'should' be and the things I should be doing very often weigh me down to the point that I can't be or do anything at all. Maybe you experience something of the same?

That being said, yes, you had an unpleasant thought, but you didn't act on it. You at least know where you're trying to get to. You feel feelings, even if they're bad ones (some people go numb, a really bad sign), and you have the heart to keep trying, even if it's just to live your own advice. And that's something I very much understand. It's a good start, and I'd like to hope that once you've had time to process whatever it is that's happened to you, you'll be able to make some headway again. Just be aware that this won't be the last time. You're going to fall back down here again, even if you climb back out. It's gonna happen. But you do get a feel for climbing out again.

You touched on an important point. Yeah, outside of what pain Imm dealing with I worry a lot about my ability to take care of the people in my life I care about when I've been made so low. I can't bring the energy I want to properly help people when I'm like that. Empathy is a good trait to have but a double-edged sword in that way, when I fail in my personal life it doesn't just affect me but that as well.

"Enough" for my mind isn't a different person than I am now, it's me as I am now, as long as the version of me that exists right now is the best version of myself I can be at the moment. That's where the issue is when a situation like what happened with me comes up, because I'm unable to feel like "this just happened because I need to improve so much." I'm already doing what I can to be the best I can be, so it doesn't feel like there is a target to chase to solve my problem. Which ultimately creates a feeling of hopelessness, because I have no power to affect things for the better. I can't take action, just survive. And feeling powerless and hopeless is a struggle to see past.

I hope that answers your question. And for what it is worth I'm doing better today. I'm not good, not even neutral, but better somewhat. Take it as you will. And thanks for the thoughtful reply.