brokenspirited
Great Mage
- May 20, 2025
- 577
They made me give a statement, so here goes:
I've had a rare illness that has caused my mobility to completely deteriorate over the last five years. I see little to no hope of improvement. All I have is my parents for help since I have no siblings, no IRL friends, and no partner. They're in their sixties and I feel like I'm literally killing them every time I have to go to the bathroom, and honestly having my ass wiped at 27 is fucking humiliating. I have no job, no real skills, and no motivation whatsoever. My condition causes my feet to burn and be hot to the touch until I'm in screaming pain, which makes pushing myself through the pain in therapy seem futile as my flares worsen. I know even my parents resent me, but they want me alive because they've come to hate each other (perhaps they always have, and I'm a 'save the marriage' baby). My life wasn't any better before this. I was bullied in grade school until I was so resigned to being rejected that I barely tried socially in high school (my fault, I know), and then when I tried harder in college, my best friend ended up being an 'empath' that diagnosed me with autism (probably true, but I didn't appreciate it), and told me everyone hated me and I was socially inept beyond repair because I wasn't good at eye contact, thinking before I spoke, not entering conversation with non sequitars, or not being on my iPad during conversation. All true, but coming from a girl who wanted to adopt 'downsie pups' (edit: Down syndrome babies), regularly told stories about rape (edit: in a humorous contex), and constantly used shared lectures to undermine my contributions, I think my mistakes were not necessarily warranting the treatment I received. It doesn't help that I was depressed and didn't help enough with our apartment (not "pee bottles and unwashed" bad, more "not contributing much other than paying rent and for the internet/cable package). Maybe it was deserved, though. My brain seems as irrevocably broken as my body. I have online friends but I'm sure if we met in person, I'd ruin that too. I've never had a romantic adult relationship. I haven't even lost my virginity and now that's impossible, because I'd either flare up or my potential partner wouldn't want my overweight, unshowered body near them (I was thin and had a beautiful body until this all started five years ago. Probably an ugly face or personality, plus being too picky is why I stayed a virgin). Once my parents die, I have nothing and no one to live for. I don't know if I can go through with suicide, but I wish I had options instead of living in a world so hostile to the idea of life being a choice.
To you guys here: It scares me to be at this point but I'm here. Look up CRPS or erythromelalgia. I might get a lumbar sympathetic block, but after a week of lidocaine infusion didn't work, it's hard to be hopeful. But I'm sick of hearing how suicide is not an option and I'd be better off with a therapist, or at a mental institution where no one could treat my feet with ice around the clock the way my family does, and I'd be forced to eat food I hate because they'd throw in that I have an eating disorder when I just hate the taste of most food (Maybe ARFID, IDK). I've lived like Sisyphus pushing a rock up a hill for the last five years, and I don't see what warrants this punishment. I'm sick of advice from neurotypical people or those who have never been suicidal, about always having hope and how suicide is for cowards and how much it'd hurt my parents. The last point is the only one that gives me pause, and sometimes they say such hurtful things when I frustrate them with my depression. In the end, they'll eventually die first and leave me all alone or in some awful group home when I'm in my thirties, forties, or best-case scenario, fifties (I'm 27F, they're 67F and 65M). I'm just at a very fragile breaking point and I hate the world for rejecting me and then trying to stop me from choosing not to live with bad brain chemistry and worse nerves.
Edit: grammar, clarity, details
I've had a rare illness that has caused my mobility to completely deteriorate over the last five years. I see little to no hope of improvement. All I have is my parents for help since I have no siblings, no IRL friends, and no partner. They're in their sixties and I feel like I'm literally killing them every time I have to go to the bathroom, and honestly having my ass wiped at 27 is fucking humiliating. I have no job, no real skills, and no motivation whatsoever. My condition causes my feet to burn and be hot to the touch until I'm in screaming pain, which makes pushing myself through the pain in therapy seem futile as my flares worsen. I know even my parents resent me, but they want me alive because they've come to hate each other (perhaps they always have, and I'm a 'save the marriage' baby). My life wasn't any better before this. I was bullied in grade school until I was so resigned to being rejected that I barely tried socially in high school (my fault, I know), and then when I tried harder in college, my best friend ended up being an 'empath' that diagnosed me with autism (probably true, but I didn't appreciate it), and told me everyone hated me and I was socially inept beyond repair because I wasn't good at eye contact, thinking before I spoke, not entering conversation with non sequitars, or not being on my iPad during conversation. All true, but coming from a girl who wanted to adopt 'downsie pups' (edit: Down syndrome babies), regularly told stories about rape (edit: in a humorous contex), and constantly used shared lectures to undermine my contributions, I think my mistakes were not necessarily warranting the treatment I received. It doesn't help that I was depressed and didn't help enough with our apartment (not "pee bottles and unwashed" bad, more "not contributing much other than paying rent and for the internet/cable package). Maybe it was deserved, though. My brain seems as irrevocably broken as my body. I have online friends but I'm sure if we met in person, I'd ruin that too. I've never had a romantic adult relationship. I haven't even lost my virginity and now that's impossible, because I'd either flare up or my potential partner wouldn't want my overweight, unshowered body near them (I was thin and had a beautiful body until this all started five years ago. Probably an ugly face or personality, plus being too picky is why I stayed a virgin). Once my parents die, I have nothing and no one to live for. I don't know if I can go through with suicide, but I wish I had options instead of living in a world so hostile to the idea of life being a choice.
To you guys here: It scares me to be at this point but I'm here. Look up CRPS or erythromelalgia. I might get a lumbar sympathetic block, but after a week of lidocaine infusion didn't work, it's hard to be hopeful. But I'm sick of hearing how suicide is not an option and I'd be better off with a therapist, or at a mental institution where no one could treat my feet with ice around the clock the way my family does, and I'd be forced to eat food I hate because they'd throw in that I have an eating disorder when I just hate the taste of most food (Maybe ARFID, IDK). I've lived like Sisyphus pushing a rock up a hill for the last five years, and I don't see what warrants this punishment. I'm sick of advice from neurotypical people or those who have never been suicidal, about always having hope and how suicide is for cowards and how much it'd hurt my parents. The last point is the only one that gives me pause, and sometimes they say such hurtful things when I frustrate them with my depression. In the end, they'll eventually die first and leave me all alone or in some awful group home when I'm in my thirties, forties, or best-case scenario, fifties (I'm 27F, they're 67F and 65M). I'm just at a very fragile breaking point and I hate the world for rejecting me and then trying to stop me from choosing not to live with bad brain chemistry and worse nerves.
Edit: grammar, clarity, details
Last edited:
