Venting Recovery Diary

[ForeverCaHa]

This thread is just going to act as a 'recovery diary' until I'm able to buy a proper paper one. Feel free to chip in if there's anything you find interesting. I'm always happy to chat!!

I spent this afternoon thinking of what I could do for my 30th birthday next month. I never thought I'd get there, so it was a surprise for me. Due to memories of my 29th with my partner I don't want to be in the UK. So, I booked myself a flight to Madrid, and oops I'm going to Lisbon too. Gotta love the mish mash of European countries.

I admit I did have to pause while planning the trip because I started crying. Places that I'll never be able to go with him. Things he'll never experience.He would've loved the weather there, the best chance to get his strong arms out on show... I had always wanted to take him to the north of Spain (I lived there for a short while) to show him the famous sidra pouring. Not to mention taking him to the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao. Fuck. These trips are going to be so empty without you, man. But still, I booked it all, and I'm ready to go.

After that I had a Spanish class. My first time having a class since my life fell into the abyss. I was nervous, but really happy with the flow. We talked about a lot of things, and the teacher was really cool. The only thing I hate that iTalki teachers sometimes do is they'll end the class with, "Good luck with your xyz!" instead of, "I'll see you next time!" Maybe it's just my stupid brain, but the first choice makes me feel like they don't want to have me as a recurring student. Oh well, he's pretty cheap, really effective, and I'm sticking to him.

That was really the brain jump I needed. I feel like my mind has been turning to mush recently, so actually using it was so thrilling!

And I just received an email from an old student asking when I'd be back to teach classes because he enjoyed them so much. So cute.

I'm considering taking a few Portuguese classes just to see how much I can pick up between now and May. Any Lusophones here at all??

 

[lamy's sacred sleep]

I've never heard of lusophone until today. I wonder where it comes from.
I speak portuguese, though my spelling leaves alot to be desired.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I've never heard of lusophone until today. I wonder where it comes from.

"Lusophone" was just me trying to show off to be honest hahaha


08/04

A bit of a lower day today. My crisis team asked if I was happy I didn't go through with my CTB plan, and I was honest with them: no. The fact I'm sitting here now completely goes against what I wanted. Went for a walk to the marina with my family. The sun was nice, but didn't help my mood much. It's surrounded by trees, so it was hard to stop myself looking for one which could be used for full suspension.

Tomorrow will be two months exactly that my partner died. Just another day for everyone around me, though. I have a Chinese class in the morning, followed by teaching a Welsh class right after. Then I need to go to my first session with a psychiatrist. I'm unsure what to expect. Apparently it could take up to two hours. I'm trying to give it my best shot, but for now all I can do is tiny steps.

For now, a cup of tea and something sweet.

The soundtrack for this evening:


The French version of this song really speaks to me, more than the English source text.
"Parfois je rêve de lui encore,
Il me supplie et il regrette..."
-- "Sometimes I dream of him, he begs me and he regrets"

 

[deadbidaylight]

I can't express how insanely happy this post makes me. 30s a big one and I'm glad you're doing it up grand! You absolutely deserve it.

Although your partner isn't here to enjoy it with you, you're carrying him in your heart, so he will be there in spirit. You're living for yourself, and living for him since he can't anymore, and I think that's truly a beautiful thing. And crying over the what could've beens is also therapeutic. Reflecting on that as you plan your trip as well as your future is a great way to honour him in your memory. Make the memories for both of you.

I really hope you have a blast on this trip. Take lots of pictures, eat all the good food, and just truly enjoy still being on earth and having the ability to experience all these things. A few weeks ago this wasn't even on your radar, so this experience will be extra special. I can't wait to hear all about it!

Exercise that brain! You're extremely intelligent and I think this is exactly what you needed. You definitely make a mark wherever you go, and your students also just proved that to you. We're all thankful you're still here with us. I know I am! I've been rooting for you since the day I joined this forum so my heart is just exploding watching you come alive again. Keep being your wonderful self, and keep pushing forward. I'll be cheering you on the whole time!!

 

[ForeverCaHa]

09/04

My first visit with the psychiatric doctor today. To be honest the conversation wasn't especially useful. He told me things I already knew, but at least I was able to get put on antidepressants. Let's see if I can medicate my way out of this.

It's 2 months exactly since my partner died today. 2 months of abject misery. If they have a pill that can magic this away, it'll be a miracle.

I feel like the Lorazepam is calming me somewhat. The urge to self-harm isn't as strong, but it's still there. The suicidal urges too. I keep looking at rope on Amazon, but haven't bought it. I'm still crying a lot at random points in the day, but generally able to go somewhere private to get it all out.

Tomorrow maybe I will try to go for a walk around town if the weather is nice.

 

[Izzythebelle]

Tomorrow maybe I will try to go for a walk around town if the weather is nice.

Take a picture of the sun for us c:

 

[ForeverCaHa]

10/04

Went out to collect my prescription from town today. My first time going out for a walk on my own in over two months now. The sun felt nice, but the negative thoughts were quite overwhelming. I saw a tree I could use for full suspension, but tried not to dwell on it.

This morning I noticed a single tulip has grown in our garden. Tulips were the flower my partner and I would see everywhere, ever since our first date. It's probably just a coincidence. Still, it made me cry to see it.

I'm struggling still to envision the future, but tomorrow morning I have a meeting with my PhD supervisor. Hopefully she can help me to build a roadmap towards graduation. I'm not going to think about what happens after that.

This afternoon I have a Catalan class. Fortunately I usually feel much better after a language class, so I'm hoping it will have the same effect on me.

Now I've taken a Lorazepam I feel a bit calmer. I don't want to become addicted to them, but they really do a good job at making me not want to hang myself lol

 

[EmptyBottle]

Glad that the medication and going outside helps you. I could do with going outside a bit more too.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

11/04

A bit of a mixed bag again today. The suicidal urges are still going strong. I found myself planning my next attempt, but not setting a specific day. I know the method, the tools, and even the location. I had planned to scout out the specific location next week sometime. I'll bring it up with the crisis team tomorrow and the psychologist on Monday. Not sure what can be done in that regard, but there we are.

Today's small victories were teaching a new student. Only a 30 minute class, but she's booked another hour on Sunday, so that's some more cash. I had that Portuguese class, and the teacher was infectiously energetic. Maybe he should be prescribed to anyone with depression! I was supposed to have a French class too, but backed out after 10 minutes. He asked me what I did last weekend, and I couldn't think of a lie because what I did last weekend was back out of a suicide attempt. Honestly if this were one of the teachers I'm more comfortable with I would've discussed it, but not with a new one. I'm fully aware of the discomfort the topic brings. I talked about my boyfriend's suicide with my Catalan teacher yesterday for example, and it opened an interesting chat.

I've contacted the police to tell them I won't be able to come to the station to give my statement as planned this Sunday. The person who would've taken me is no longer able. I really wish they would just come to me instead. Or even better, drop it. He's dead. They know what happened. I really, really don't want to have to have them dissect our final days together.

I've been thinking about my future relationship with love and sex. Obviously right now the thought of touching another man makes me sick, but will that change in the future? I've written a brief poem to grapple with my attraction to other men and in general how in the past I've used sex as a coping mechanism. I wouldn't say I'm a sex addict, but it's definitely something I've used to give myself value.

---

An Exchange

You'll whisper timid in the night why you need escape.
You'll run your fingers up my thighs, lay kisses on my nape.
I'll tell you softly who it is I seek but can't replace.
I'll cut the lights, close tight my eyes, perhaps I'll see his face.

As you loveless take me, make me quiver, give belief
That you, I pray, will be the one to cure me of my grief.
But as you grunt and growl and force and claim me with your sweat,
I come to know I can't let go. You cannot cure me yet.

Perhaps you see my fragile frame and want to show your power.
Perhaps outside this darkened room you're weak, you flinch, you cower.
So just as I can take from you and let my darkness cease,
So too do you now stand to gain your violent release.

We understand our withered hearts cannot be cured by this,
We understand there is no love within our passioned kiss.
I writhe and squirm yet choke my cries, and sink into my shame.
I bite my tongue, grip hard the sheets, for fear I call his name.

Now all has ended. Next to me you lay without a sound.
I wonder what it is you've lost, and with me was it found?
A fleeting touch, an unsaid "stay" - but no, return to pain.
In our longing glance we know we shall not meet again.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

12/04

Another visit from the crisis team today. They really are lovely people. They've put forward a complaint regarding the 111 call (NHS mental health line) I made a few weeks ago where the guy was awful. I'm trying to be as open and honest as possible with them regarding my continuing suicidal thoughts, but I can also feel myself holding back certain details. The fact I've found the rope I'll buy, or that I am going to try to get replacement SN, that I can use some of the meds they've given me in the SN protocol, that this week I plan on scouting out possible places for full suspension.

I know it's only been one week since I backed out of my attempt and was put on all of this, and I am seriously trying my best. I'm taking the meds, I'm getting back into work (3 classes tomorrow), I'm trying to get back into my hobbies (one language class a day Monday-Friday; I've been reading; I'm going to try and take part in the local LGBT book club)... But I'm still having a hard time. A week is nothing, of course I wasn't going to be fixed after just one week, but I'm struggling to see an outcome where I'm not dead.

In other news I made some edits to the poem I wrote. I feel like the extra stanza at the end is overkill but I wanted to push the whole "just because I'm the bottom doesn't mean I'm not preying on someone vulnerable" kind of thing.

---

An Exchange

You'll whisper timid in the night why you need escape.
You'll run your fingers up my thighs, lay kisses on my nape.
I'll tell you softly who it is I seek but can't replace.
I'll cut the lights, close tight my eyes, perhaps I'll see his face.

As you loveless take me, make me quiver, give belief
That you, I pray, will be the one to cure me of my grief.
But as you grunt and growl and groan and grope and force and sweat,
I come to know I can't let go. You cannot cure me yet.

Perhaps you see my fragile frame and want to show your power.
Perhaps outside this darkened room you're weak, you flinch, you cower.
So just as I can take from you and let my darkness cease,
So too do you now stand to gain your violent release.

We understand our jaded hearts cannot be cured by this,
We understand there is no love within our passioned kiss.
I writhe and squirm yet choke my cries, and sink into my shame.
I bite my tongue, grip hard the sheets, for fear I call his name.

Now all has ended. Next to me you lay without a sound.
I wonder what it is you've lost, and with me was it found?
A fleeting touch, an unsaid "stay" - but no, return to pain.
In our longing glance we know we shall not meet again.

Another time, another world, perhaps you asked to stay;
Perhaps we sat as lovers, not as predator and prey.
But who is who, and who gained what, I'll question not this line.
Still, I hope you found some peace. Tonight, I've not found mine.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

13/04

Not much of an update for myself today, feeling the same as before. To keep myself active though, I've set myself a small translation task from a book I'm currently reading called 'El Diablo de las Provincias'.​

I knew I'd enjoy this book once I got to the line: Esa era mi vida y todo se jodió -- That was my life, and it all went to shit (I know that's not a literal translation please don't be mad at me, I'm more of a 'translate the feeling' kinda translator lol)

"Pero la vida es cruel, muy cruel, decía ella cada vez que podía, la vida es dura y al mismo tiempo inestable, insensata, y a la vez está regida por una geometría que no podemos conocer pero sí sentir en carne propia, y cuando uno elabora un plan, cuando uno proyecta una idea y diseña y forja y esculpe, la vida siempre se encarga de deformarlo todo, como si esa vida estuviera gobernada por demonios malignos, amantes del vericueto y no de la línea recta, por sátiros caprichosos y no por Dios y que Dios me perdone pero a veces creo que Dios está en la muerte y no en la vida porque la muerte es el descanso eterno, la luz perpetua de la rectitud. En cambio, la vida, eso que llaman la naturaleza, es obra del diablo, que se alía con las fieras, con las serpientes, con el alacrán. El diablo hace nido en el ojo del pájaro, en la cáscara pintada del huevo, en la garra de la bestia, en el reguero de plumas, en el remolino del río."

"But life is cruel, as mother used to say, life is hard, unstable, senseless and it's governed by laws which we can never understand, only feel in our flesh. When you create a plan, when you create an idea and design it and forge and sculpt it, life will always go out of its way to ruin it all, as if life were controlled by evil demons, those lovers of twisted paths rather than the straight and narrow, and not by God. May God forgive me, but sometimes I believe that God is in death and not in life, because death is eternal rest, the perpetual light. Life, meanwhile, what we call 'nature', is the work of the Devil who has allied himself with wild beasts, with snakes and scorpions. The Devil makes his nest in the eye of the bird, in the painted shell of its egg, in the beast's paw, in the heap of feathers, and in the whirlpool of the river."​

 

[ForeverCaHa]

"That was my life, and it all went to shit" Damn good fucking line, I like that one a lot, may use it lol.

Seriously it's what's made me love the main character, he gets it

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Plonking this poem here for safe keeping. I'll probably try to workshop it this week. I guess it's pretty straightforward, just my response to all the comments people have made since the death of my partner. I'm mainly really really happy with the final two lines. It's something I've been thinking for a while. People are insisting it's not my fault and I couldn't have done anything, but would/will they feel the same when I'm the one who's been found?


"You did the best that you could do, that much should be commended."
That can't be true, for if I did, his life would not have ended.
"He wanted not to talk to you, you cannot bear this blame."
So here you see he trust me not. What can I feel but shame?
"Perhaps you're feeling anger, you would well deserve such madness."
No! I still do love him so, but now love's drowned in sadness.
"We saw how much you loved him and we know that you did try."
You saw not how I cursed and spat, the days I made him cry.
"Hold tight those cherished memories, one day they'll make you smile."
As it stands those memories bring naught but tears and bile.
"He never meant to hurt you, he acted not from spite!"
Alas, although this may be true, extinguished is my light.
"Be happy for he rests in peace, shall feel no more those harms."
But why could I not give him rest within my open arms?
"You never could have saved him," they gather round to say,
But will they grant themselves such grace upon my hanging day?

 

[ForeverCaHa]

14/04

First visit from the psychologist today. She was pretty nice. It was more of an ice breaking session, so not much happened. Just talked about triggers for suicidal thoughts and whatnot. Essentially just wrote "dead boyfriend is dead" in a piece of paper over and over. She asked me about my history of suicide attempts and I mentioned when I was 16/17 I took maybe around 15 paracetamol thinking it would kill me. I thought it was funny since, looking back, it wasn't going to do anything, but she took it quite seriously. I'm trying to be as forthcoming as possible, so I also told her I had been practicing partial suspension using a necktie in my bedroom in mid-March. She asked if I had any immediate plans, and I said the same as always: I know what I'll do, just not when I'll buy the tools (rope) and actually do it. She then asked if I would tell anyone if I bought rope, and I said no. She asked if I had rope already, I said no. To which she responded, "But you wouldn't tell me even if you did, would you?" which I admit did get a laugh out of me, she really got me there.

---

Once again I bring to you my oh so earnest poetry, but this time I think I'm done with it.


An Exchange

You'll whisper timid in the night why you need escape.
You'll run your fingers up my thighs, lay kisses on my nape.
I'll tell you softly who it is I seek but can't replace.
I'll cut the lights, close tight my eyes, perhaps I'll see his face.

We understand our jaded hearts cannot be cured by this,
We understand there is no love within our passioned kiss.
I writhe and squirm yet choke my cries, and sink into my shame.
I bite my tongue, grip hard the sheets, for fear I call his name.

Perhaps you see my fragile frame and want to show your power.
Perhaps outside this darkened room you're weak, you flinch, you cower.
So just as I can take from you and let my darkness cease,
So too do you now stand to gain your violent release.

Now as you loveless take me, make me quiver, give belief
That you, I pray, will be the one to cure me of my grief.
But as you grunt and growl and groan and grope and force and sweat,
I come to know I can't let go. You cannot cure me yet.

Please drag me from my memory upon this sodden bed.
With every thrust I hush his anguished wails within my head.
Bind me to the present, for I can't survive the past.
Just make me hurt, and make me numb. Cruel stranger, make it fast.

As you make your final blow, your nails clawing skin,
A muffled cry escapes my lips, I come to see my sin.
Our bodies wet and mangled; you are part of me no more.
Is this the life I chose for me? The lonely, haunted whore?

Now all has ended. Next to me you lay without a sound.
I briefly wonder what you've lost, and with me was it found?
A fleeting touch, an unsaid "stay" - but no, return to pain.
In our longing glance we know we shall not meet again.

Another time, another world, perhaps you asked to stay;
Perhaps we sat as lovers, not as predator and prey.
But who is who, and who gained what, I'll question not this line.
Still, I hope you found your peace. Tonight, I've not found mine.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

15/04

Today was quite a low day. No particular reason, just one of those things. Another visit from the crisis team, they seem edgy about letting me go abroad alone. I understand why they feel that way. I'm sure I'll be fine though. To be grimly honest, it's the return I'm most nervous about. The voice at the back of my head is telling me to buy rope when I get back so that I have what I need for full suspension.

The weather's miserable, but tomorrow I'll have to go to the chemist to pick up a fresh batch of "don't kill yourself" pills. A walk in the rain might be nice.

On the plus side, part 2 of my ever so earnest attempt at dealing with my relationship with sex through poetry has been drafted:

An Exchange II

Now another city with another lonely man.
I'm barely hanging onto hope, but hoping all I can.
Without a touch he guides me to our chamber for the night,
I cede myself to what comes next, I'll go without a fight.

Will this one seek to hurt me, or is he in pain instead?
Does he want to hear me say the things that went unsaid?
I briefly pause to ask him, I go to speak, but then
I stop myself. I do not care. We shall not meet again.

Yet another city I meet yet another man.
I think I'm letting go of hope, but hoping all I can.
This one drags me to his car and throws me to the floor.
He sizes up his fresh caught prey and quickly locks the door.

Now in endless darkness deep I sadly kneel to fate.
I pray that God will end me, but I prayed to Him too late.
Now mutilated, limping home, I look up to the sky.
My only consolation is that beast won't see me cry.

Again another city and again a lonely man.
I'm slowly letting go of hope, but hoping all I can.
With a grin he beckons me into his private lair.
Is he the one to save me? Will he answer to my prayer?

He greets me with a smile and then I see to my surprise
The depth of pain and grief that he has trapped within his eyes.
I know that he is stuck like me, that life has been too much.
I turn and flee, afraid of what could be a gentle touch.

I'm in another city and I am the lonely man.
I've long since lost the last of hope, I'm doing what I can.
It seems I fear the touch of love, I fear too my heart.
Now if I keep it lonely, then the beating cannot start.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

16/04

Suddenly hit a very low point today. It's now two months since he died. A few days ago I dreamt that we were getting married. He had chosen a hymn that no one knew. For some reason we were getting married in a church, but neither of us are religious. We had always said we would get married in some grand estate or a castle here in Wales. It would've been a fairytale. Now look at me. Having to take pills just to stop myself from cutting my arms.

I skipped 3 out of my 4 classes. The one class I did attend - a Welsh class - the student spoke at length about how great Cardiff is. Just talking about that city makes me feel awful. It's not his fault, I could hardly stop him and say, "Hey sorry my boyfriend hung himself there so I'd rather not talk about it." Had a nice cry about all the places we'll never go again. This was his favourite time of year. I miss him so much it's overwhelming. Something to bring up with the psychologist tomorrow I guess.

That student booked another session with me, so at least he enjoyed the hour. That's good news at least. An old student of mine has booked another class too. He sent such a nice message after I informed him why I was taking time off work. I'm looking forward to talking with him again.

I was planning on walking to the chemist to get my meds, but couldn't. Mum's gone for me. I know Lorazepam can be addictive, but at the moment it's the only thing keeping me from major suicidal thoughts. I've found myself making more detailed plans again. I'll tell the crisis team, but I honestly don't know if I would reach out to someone again if/when my next attempt comes around.

Today's win: took a quick bath. I couldn't wash my hair, still haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face, but my body and hands are clean now at least. Tonight I'll maybe try to watch a film. I need to practice my French, but it all seems so pointless.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

17/04

Not many words for tonight. Just feeling the repeated gut punch of grief.

Looking at a map of my local area I found a place I could use for full suspension. I should tell the crisis team tomorrow about it. Not sure what they can do though. After some of the things I mentioned to the psychologist today, it looks like I've been moved to the high risk category.

I watched an Irish film earlier, and the scenery was gorgeous. All I could think of was how much he would've loved exploring those hills. All those times I begrudgingly climbed onwards and upwards with him, complaining in my head all the way up about how much my feet hurt... Right now I'd do anything to get to the top of a hill with him again. Just to see his huge smile when we reached the peak, it was always worth it, even if I was exhausted.

Torturing myself with this song on loop:

 

[ForeverCaHa]

18/04

I was honest with the crisis team today regarding how I've again moved from ideation into solid plans (I know the where and the how, just not the when). They brought up the possibility of me voluntarily admitting myself into a psych ward. I don't really know what that would mean for me, but we will see what happens there I suppose.

They're going to be doing daily visits again now. We had moved to 2-3 times per week, but I guess there's some concern. As nice as they are, and as honest as I'm trying to be with them, I really don't know what they can do to help me.

I'm trying not to slip into complete hopelessness, but it's harder than I thought it would be. It's just exhausting.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

19/04

Amateur poetry hour is my main distraction from window shopping for rope. Unfortunately I find it impossible to move away from wobbly iambic pentametre (yes I am just as pretentious in real life). This time I tried to have both a regular rhyme scheme and an internal rhyme for each couplet.

---

This life is but a tragedy writ by mine own hand.
I wonder, though, if all I see was by the cruel fates planned.
Yet who am I to point, to blame, and cry for all to see?
When all the fault and all the shame, in truth, they rest with me.

For though I claim that all's amiss and all is deeply rotten,
Did I forget my part in this, or has that been forgotten?
I drove the blades into the skin and ripped the flesh apart,
But, "Look!" I cried, "That child of sin has broke my cherub heart!"

My people built a home for me, a place for me to thrive,
I with unblistered hands decree: "'Tis hard to be alive!"
I gathered all my friends and kin to hear my tale of woe.
Of course the truth - my lust for sin - I'll never let them know.

I look across the putrid land on which my kingdom's built.
I see not though the sinking sand, my home devoured by silt.
And now I watch it wash away, I see my cunning foe.
With head downturned, I can but say: "My downfall, 'twas mine own."