Realizing the "better" me loathes the "present" me: notes on self-hate

[Abandoned Character]

With the new year my mind naturally spent some time thinking about the future and what staying alive implies. I want to improve. I want finish my degree that I left years ago. I want to look forward. I imagined my future idealized "healthier" self in the same room as me and I immediately felt judgement, resentment, and hatred.

"Look at me, we could have been here years ago if you weren't so pathetic," the better me would say, "look at the friends we lost, the opportunities that passed us by, the love that we could have had if you just got your act together sooner, or never had those issues at all!"

What an asshole that guy would be, I do not want to be around him at all, let alone be him. Self-improvement is dangerous if it is driven by self-hate, at least for myself it is a backwards way of doing things. Perhaps it was the weed or alcohol at the time, but when this thought initially entered my brain, I felt relief. The negative self-talk, if even for just a second, became meaningless and held no power. At least logically I already understood the stupidity of self-hatred, but the rational mind was never enough to make the hatred hurt less. Now I think I have felt the emotional piece to the puzzle as well. For a little bit I was able to feel a sense of "okay-ness" with my present circumstance. This okay-ness is not complacency, but acceptance. Through acceptance of circumstance, perhaps a healthier approach to my suffering will follow. We will see.

A great deal of my suffering comes from self-sabotage, perhaps someone out there is similar and may find what I experienced insightful. Of course many will not relate, given the complex mosaic that is human suffering. I find that I do not post an idea because I know it doesn't apply to certain life contexts, but I've decided to ignore that voice that tells me I am being assumptuous and imposing. For lack of a better phrase: Fuck it, we ball.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I am not sure if that sounds like the 'better you'. Maybe more like the devil on your shoulder. It's really hard to get past a negative voice in your head, I think... I wish I could find out how too.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

The better you as you call it... And the current you are the same person.

Doing your best looks different each and every day. I've had bad days bad weeks and bad years.
I got a prison for crime I legitimately didn't commit. Lost custody to the four most amazing kids in the world because of my psycho ex-wife.
Ended up homeless and I spent all of 2023 with the end goal of blowing my brains out.

But things changed at the till end and I'm hoping this year will be better than the last.

You're enough as you are now.
It might not seem like it.
But I promise you you are if you choose to believe you are. We manifest our reality with our perspective.

 

[Spike Spiegel]

Really interesting post. I think to some degree I can relate to your feelings. Personally I self loath when I suffer the logical conclusion of my actions. For example, I need the next day to be productive. But the day before may have been rough, so Ill stay up late gaming, smoking or whatever to try and recapture some me time. Ill tell my self its needed time to heal or something. But then the next day I'll over sleep or be over tired not be as productive and then feel really shitty about it. Logically I am well aware this is a natural and expected outcome of my choices, and that causes me to self loath. I think its a mixture of really bad risk assessment and just complacency in the moment.

---

I think this next experience relates more to what you are saying. I use to always compare myself to who I thought I was before I got mentally Ill. In my mind I was always fighting to get back to that person. That this person I was right now was not the real me and this is just some passing funk. I rejected my current self hoping that one day I would return to this idealized pre depressed and anxious self. Except that person was years ago and I came to the conclusion that, even that idealized person would be different after all this time. It helped me accept my self and my situation. I'm still working on my self and trying to answer the "big questions" as I dabble in philosophy in my free time, however I have accepted my current self and am committed to experiencing life and changing and flowing with what comes at me.

---

My experiences with helping reduce self loathing, is realizing that ultimately. if we are not learning, if we are not improving and if we are not changing our ways then self loathing is just borderline self harm imo. When we experience guilt, we need to take those feelings allow it to have its impact act on it and let it go. In some of my readings of Marcus Aurelius, I took to heart the notion of taking action, not because it is the right thing to do or the easy thing to do (often its not) but simply because we are alive. I try to tell my self this on days when leaving bed feels impossible.


I relate a lot to what you are saying, I hope you can find something of worth while in my reply.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Interesting. Cannabis usually tends to manifest subconscious things on surface if there is no conscious goal in using it.

Although it can be used for self-improvement, the experience can sometimes be confusing and difficult.

Useful information about cannabis:



Also some recently done introspection:



Wanting to become a better person is painful. I myself have thought about what I should achieve in life in order to be confident in myself or "good enough".

Saying it can be easily misunderstood, like it's is built on some value. What I would have liked to feel in the first place, however, was that I am "fit" for a lack of better word.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I hope the way you view yourself can continue to improve.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Personally, I've become quite good- maybe too good at forgiving myself. Ok- I went through crazy limerence phases. Ok- I could have pushed myself more in terms of jobs but the social anxiety and lack of confidence held me back. Yes- I should have faced all those things a long time ago and yes- they're all still with me and having an impact now.

Still- I don't think it's exactly my fault that I developed all that. It was shitty things that happened in childhood. I did the best I could with what I could cope with at the time. We're all only human.

Maybe you will succeed in becoming this better version of yourself but hopefully- they will be kind enough to forgive your old self. That time's gone now anyway- no point in crying over spilt milk as they say. But yeah- maybe without who you were, you'd be less than what you become. You just don't know but in a way, it's kind of ridiculous to imagine that new self years ago making the 'right' decision. You simply weren't that person at that point. Say you had made the decision to do something incredibly challenging- would you have been able to cope with it? Would your possible failure have made you feel even worse? I think we forget that we always make decisions for a reason and- they felt right at the time. That's how I see it anyway. I'm not a big one for regret.