Venting Realizing I'm A Horribly Draining Person

[oniichan]

I don't know how to put this, I just want to put this. One of my biggest issues is my obsessive personality, and how idiotically I behave when under stress. I get hooked on people and obsess over them and I hurt them and hurt everyone. I already plan to CTB in the next 2 years, but I continue to harm those who surround me daily like an absolute fool. I just wish I had the balls to do it, but my most recent attempt was so horrible it left me incredibly sick and shaken and I even thinking about it worries me to no end.

I think it's horrible realizing just how much of a worm you really are. I have finally fully realized I am a total waste, and it has brought me genuinely no catharsis. I just need it all to stop. I am not making much sense in typing this, but I'm just so stressed out right now and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone, but I need to be before I CTB and I definitely deserve to be with how I've been behaving. I just want to stop hurting.

I don't feel like I've gotten it all out, but I have no idea wherre to go from here. I should just stop, but I can't. I can't stop. I need to, and I can't. I wish I was just normal, for fucksake. I wish I wasn't hurt so much as a child, and I wish I never spoke to all the people I spoke to, who all lead to how fucked up I am now. I used to be happy and normal. There was a period of time in my life, when I was just a child, but still a period in my life where I wasn't so traumatized and wasn't so miserable or hypersexual or, blankly, idiotic. I want to be a normal girl. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to deal with stress normally. I want to have no answer and be okay with it. I want to be able to wait on someone, and not be terrified of the idea of them leaving me alone by myself. I want to be okay with just my thoughts. I want to be able to sit, and think, and not feel all this terror and stress and fear. I want to sleep alone by myself at night and not be afraid. I don't want to be so scared anymore. I just want it all to stop.

And, I'm angry. I'm so upset with everything. I'm mad at how my life ended up, and I'm mad at everyone for being so cruel to me. I'm mad at myself for not being tolerant of it all, and I'm mad I will never be able to have any reprieve. These scars will haunt me forever, and so will all the memories and all of the hurt. I must have been a very bad person in my past life.

 

[meowpuppy]

so relatable, but i don't think it's my fault, i think people just don't know how to talk to or be around people like me. i don't know if i'm hypersexual per se but i'm also suffering from being way more lustful than the average person. unfortunately, i've given up the prospect of being a normal girl, and not just because i'm trans. it's just not in the cards for me lol

 

[oniichan]

so relatable, but i don't think it's my fault, i think people just don't know how to talk to or be around people like me. i don't know if i'm hypersexual per se but i'm also suffering from being way more lustful than the average person. unfortunately, i've given up the prospect of being a normal girl, and not just because i'm trans. it's just not in the cards for me lol

It's really unfortunate and difficult living as someone who isn't normal, isn't it? I wonder if there will ever be any catharsis at all.