ready to leave, but stopped again

[nkdvvv]

After discussing with my mom that as long as she gets to bury my body that she will let me go, i decided to leave yesterday night. I left while she was away from home because I don't think she would have been able to let me go. I just couldn't take being in my home anymore. I'm 25 and she still pays my phone bill. She said that she will never ever turn my phone off in case i needed to contact her. I granted her wishes and brought my phone with me, so that she could be contacted when i died and bury me properly.

I left a goodbye note for her to read, and she panicked and ended up going to the police.

She ended up giving the police my information. I was finally ready to go and be free like she said i could be, but i was tracked down only 6 hours into the night. And even though i'm an adult and can make my own choices, because of her concerns to the police i was forced to go to the hospital.

I'm very upset and frustrated right now. I was finally ready to go.

The hospital wait took so long and since my mom got other family members involved, i just told my mom i'd go home.

Afterwards she apologized and said that she wishes the police never found me.

Today she said she'd let me go as long as WE come up with 'a plan', and as long as i say goodbye to my whole family.

But i'm tired of doing things just for others. Why do i have to do everything on everyone else's terms. I'm tired of hurting for everyone else to be satiated.

I wanted the freedom to die how i want to, but due to my mother it will never be an option.

To all the people who don't have a loving family, parents, or support i wish i could give my situation to you. I so desperately wish i could give my life to someone that wants to live, and whose life has meaning. My heart hurts when i think of all the innocent children who didn't have a chance at life due to sickness or having their life being taken away unfairly. I would give my life for any of them.

I still love my mother so much. And i hate that i'm the child she had when she deserves someone much much better.

My depression and OCD truthfully feel like a never ending cycle of despair, and i really have no hope moving forward.

I really wish i could give my life away.

 

[FuneralCry]

This is why I never see it as being a good idea opening up about planning to die in the first place as sadly so many people refuse to accept the fact we all have our right to die. I see it as being so incredibly cruel going to the police, it's inhumane trying to force someone to suffer when they want to die, it must be so dreadful feeling trapped in that situation.

 

[アホペンギン]

This is why its a bad idea to open up to someone close to you about your suicide plans or even suicidal ideation itself. It will always end up with them doing everything that they can to help you, even if they promised to you that they respect your decision and won't stop you. Its considered as betrayal but honestly its just normal human nature, even if the person is suicidal themselves they'd still do anything in their power to save you, especially if you're very close to them. I would absolutely die for someone else as well, there are many other people in this world who are far more deserving of life than i ever was. That, i am thankful for and glad you made that decision. As to telling your mother about what you were planning on doing, should be avoided next time- it clearly wasn't a good idea.