Venting Ready to go (plus some context)

[villagebiketwotired]

I'm ready to go. I'm 32 and failed to move forward in my career even though I had every chance to be great. I squandered all my opportunities, all my money, all my friendships, all my lovers. I sabotaged all my relationships with cheating, rage, and post-breakup stalking. Especially this last one, this is the worst ex I've ever been and he's doing so much better than I am now. He has lots of great jobs, acclaim, social media likes, dating a blonde 25yo with my exact birthday (he's almost 40). I haven't had a social hangout in weeks since going to a wedding but like that doesn't count, that's more like an assignment, you know? I haven't just hung out with friends in ages because I'm working 3-4 jobs 7 days a week and also bc I'm isolating myself. I made my own IOP with an abuser support group (a court-ordered one that I joined voluntarily because I was just that bad), and two individual therapists. I'm eating better, sober, working a ton, paying down rent and bills a bunch, going on long walks, doing my skincare and hygiene, and it still doesn't help my feelings or my bad behavior. I can feel myself getting worse all the time. There's no point. Grateful for TIG and the bleach in my cabinet just in case.

 

[suicidegirl71]

I'm ready to go. I'm 32 and failed to move forward in my career even though I had every chance to be great. I squandered all my opportunities, all my money, all my friendships, all my lovers. I sabotaged all my relationships with cheating, rage, and post-breakup stalking. Especially this last one, this is the worst ex I've ever been and he's doing so much better than I am now. He has lots of great jobs, acclaim, social media likes, dating a blonde 25yo with my exact birthday (he's almost 40). I haven't had a social hangout in weeks since going to a wedding but like that doesn't count, that's more like an assignment, you know? I haven't just hung out with friends in ages because I'm working 3-4 jobs 7 days a week and also bc I'm isolating myself. I made my own IOP with an abuser support group (a court-ordered one that I joined voluntarily because I was just that bad), and two individual therapists. I'm eating better, sober, working a ton, paying down rent and bills a bunch, going on long walks, doing my skincare and hygiene, and it still doesn't help my feelings or my bad behavior. I can feel myself getting worse all the time. There's no point. Grateful for TIG and the bleach in my cabinet just in case.

I completely understand. I am 52 and still am failing to move forward and blame myself. I just want to leave the world. It has just become worse.