Venting Ready but scared

[hopeless08]

although I say I'm ready to go, I'm scared to do it but I don't know what I'm scared of exactly. Besides being in constant emotional pain I'm also so angry and keep asking why the hell the universe or god is making me go through this. I never imagined that a person could experience so much emotional pain. I've always been a good person with a good heart but I guess that doesn't matter. I can't be around happy people because I'm so jealous of them and ask why can't that be me and the holidays are absolute torture.
I just want to go with charcoal burning but know nothing about it.

 

[lightnings]

I know the feeling, living could become really a nightmare with this kind of emotional pain.
I wish you nothing but the best in the future.

 

[hopeless08]

Thank you I'm glad at least I found a site where I can express my feelings/thoughts without being worried of the repercussions

 

[Humble]

although I say I'm ready to go, I'm scared to do it but I don't know what I'm scared of exactly. Besides being in constant emotional pain I'm also so angry and keep asking why the hell the universe or god is making me go through this. I never imagined that a person could experience so much emotional pain. I've always been a good person with a good heart but I guess that doesn't matter. I can't be around happy people because I'm so jealous of them and ask why can't that be me and the holidays are absolute torture.
I just want to go with charcoal burning but know nothing about it.

Maybe a part of you still believes theres a better way out, or not. I just hope you'll find happiness

 

[hopeless08]

Yeah maybe, well I don't imagine ever be happy, I'm not even asking for happiness as I know that will never be but at least for this unbearable pain to stop so in these moments with this pain I just want to go.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I just want to go with charcoal burning but know nothing about it.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Feeling ready doesn't mean CTB is easy and overcoming SI is still a big challenge.

Knowing nothing about the CO method can end up with brain damage. Please inform yourself as best as you can bc this is very important should you decide for this method or any other one. Here's a good guide to start with and there's plenty of info in the CO mega thread too.

Charcoal method advice

Hi, I somehow came across this site after some furious google searching over the weekend. After trying and failing other methods over the past month I came across back to the idea of carbon monoxide and decided to dig further into charcoal burning, of which there are plenty discussions on this...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Carbon monoxide megathread

Hi, this will be the megathread for the carbon monoxide method. I have some questions about the charcoal method, is it a simple method to do? Like buying charcoal and setting it or there is some steps and setup to follow The ppeh gives low rating for preparation but good rating for...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[Mirrory Me]

I don't know what you've been through, it sounds rough. Would you like to talk about your own experiences? According to my own experience, emotional pain can be alleviated and even cured. And the fact that you envy others only tells about your own desires. Is there nothing you can do about it? Even a small decision or action can always guide us in a better direction.

 

[hopeless08]

Hi thanks for reaching out. Well it's a long story but try my best to make it shorter.
As a child I was sexually abused by my grandfather then as I turned into an adult I thought It wasn't affecting me in anyway anymore but through past therapy I realized it was. This is going to come off so superficial but I always had what most would say was an amazing body and I was very proud of that.and based on my looks I always got anything I wanted, any man I wanted , access to get into top high society places and I was always told how beautiful I was. Anyway in my mind I guess I learned that men only wanted you for your body because of the abuse I suffered. I mean I was smart ,went to college also .I also had an immense fear of rejection. meaning attention from men
Well fast forward to years later I had a cosmetic procedure done that was suppose to make skin smoother and to my horror it went wrong and completely destroyed my body. I now feel deformed, disgusting by myself and feel worthless.
I was engaged with the love of my life but he was abroad when I did the procedure so I knew that if he came back and saw me he would not want me anymore because I no longer have anything to offer and he really did love me, we had planned to start trying for a baby but my extreme fear of rejection made me break it off with him and didn't let him see me again. That was excruciatingly painful. My dreams went down the drain. Now I feel like I have nothing to offer a man , no one would ever want me and it's gotten to the point that I can't step out into the street or even be around my family cause I don't want any eyes on me. I'm horrific, even though people told me I'm not, I know I am. When I go to sleep I have dreams of the old me and I wake up unable to breathe due to the pain I feel. I just can't take it anymore I despise myself. I know my family loves me very much and they would be devastated if I committed suicide but my pain is just too great.
Plus they see me locked up in my room and that hurts them very much, I feel guilty for them seeing my suffering and feel like a burden. I know they will suffer when I die , if I manage to do it the right way but I can't deal with this torture anymore. I'm completely traumatized and feel so misunderstood and alone. I'm so sorry for making this so long. I truly appreciate your concern. I don't know what your experience has been but I'm willing to listen if you feel like sharing.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Sorry to hear about this. Love is not only about looks and sex, there is much more that can be given to another. Don't avoid opportunities to be with others, consider them.