ArchmagePrincess
Magical Princess of Death
- Aug 31, 2022
- 145
I have everything I need to go ahead and CTB and I'm emotionally ready in the sense of accepting nothingness. But oh my god the fear of failing and getting sent back to a mental hospital again is leaving me frozen in fear.
I read up on how everything works but I suppose the exit bag set up is rather complex and maybe I just don't have the confidence in myself to think I've done it right even if it all seems okay.
I was sexually abused when I was sent to a mental hospital when I was younger and the thought having to go to one again is paralyzing me with fear. Being forcibly drugged, held down, unable to take care of my hygiene properly. In a poetic sense going through with this is the final test of my life. I've lived without confidence, thinking I needed abusers to do everything for me.
The longer I lived the more I learned I was capable of doing things by myself, that I was competent all along. Maybe this is no different. In order to succeed I need to trust in myself that I've done the research, know what I'm doing, and that I won't have to go back to another hospital.
I read up on how everything works but I suppose the exit bag set up is rather complex and maybe I just don't have the confidence in myself to think I've done it right even if it all seems okay.
I was sexually abused when I was sent to a mental hospital when I was younger and the thought having to go to one again is paralyzing me with fear. Being forcibly drugged, held down, unable to take care of my hygiene properly. In a poetic sense going through with this is the final test of my life. I've lived without confidence, thinking I needed abusers to do everything for me.
The longer I lived the more I learned I was capable of doing things by myself, that I was competent all along. Maybe this is no different. In order to succeed I need to trust in myself that I've done the research, know what I'm doing, and that I won't have to go back to another hospital.