Venting Rasputin

[regret and misery]

I have been shot twice, stabbed thrice, beaten for almost a decade daily, burned in several places, starved for a limit of almost five miserable weeks, overdosed, poisoned by several methods, left in negative temperatures for weeks, fallen and jumped from great heights, run over by cars and trucks alike, suffocated and struck by lightning thrice. I intended to end my life every time, but I have yet to succeed.

Tidbit for the people who think ODing is the best way to go. It's not. Your body rejects it, even though your brain wants to die, and it hurts. You have to watch as your loved ones crowd around you, sobbing and crying about how it's going to be okay, that they'll get an ambulance and you'll come back to them. It leaves you bitter inside. Things will never return to the way they used to be, but they'll try to make it go back. Maybe you will, too. But they know what you've done. It will never be the same. Never.


I just want to die. Now that I have someone relying on me, I won't be trying anymore. The only reason I'm sane is her, and my biggest fear is losing her. But part of me, deep inside, wants a reason to end it once and for all. Fuck, I'm miserable. I hate being like this.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really sounds so horrible what you've been through, I've read of lots of people failing ctb by taking easily accessible pills and failing ctb is what I fear, sadly suicide just isn't straightforward in this dreadful world. It must be awful and tiring suffering like that but anyway I wish you the best, I understand why you would hate being in that situation.