Venting ranting about psychiatrist

[CareLessMeaningLess]

I just need to rant, sorry if it is hard to understand.

I have had semi regular meetings for the last 10 months or so and I just feel like that she doesn't care and I feel like that I can't actually say anything to serious due to the threat of me going to the hospital. The only thing that she can or want to do is to give me some light anti deppresant. It's like she thinks that I have some brain fog that can be cleared. I have been depressed, lonely with social anxiety and self hatred for over a decade and she thinks that all of that can be alleviated with some drug. She knows how long I have been feeling like this and it took her months and 3-4 meetings to even consider that I should see a psychologist.

A day ago she sent me with some meeting with a doctor (not the psychologist) and I don't know the reason for it. So anyway I go to the meeting and the first question he asks is "What do you think that we can do for you?" ?????? What do you want me to say?! That I hate myself. That I have been feeling soo lonely for soo long that I want to die. Or is it that thoughts about CTB is just a constant. It is not something that pops up it is just there, nagging at the back of my mind. I can't just pick and choose any one of these. Besides I don't know what you can do even if I can perfectly explain my problems.
I just felt like my brain was exploding. Then he asks me if I can go back to work. The workplace were I felt worthless. The workplace that no matter how nice the people were I just felt like a outsider. Is this all you want from me? You don't want me to feel better, you just want me out of your system because I am too much of a bother. He asked several other questions like if I wanted to go back to the hospital or go back to taking meds. But I just want anyone to actually try and engage with my problems not just to try and leave me off in some empty room.

I left that appointment feeling worse. Thinking that just should CTB that day since clearly no one wants to deal with me. I didn't CTB, I am too much of a coward and I still want to watch some shows before leaving. But I hate this during the entire meeting it felt like I was being judged. Every meeting with some doctor always feel like that they look down on me. Is it because I am autistic, because why do you look at me with those eyes?

 

[littlepup159]

I just don't go to psychologist and go to psychiatrist only for my adhd meds. It is a waste of time. Nobody really want to help you only to excercise the power that they have over you. It will just destroy your confidence and you will get more submissive against abusers. Here I want to quote one post from reddit:

Mental health care is a power structure disguised as help.

Everything you say will be used to frame and manipulate you.

Society is terrified of people made less predictable by trauma, anxiety, depression and distress. So it manages them: manipulates them, drugs them, labels them, steers them and calls it "treatment."

No one needs to know your story unless you need welfare or something. The more you tell others, the more you will be sucked into a fight over the narrative.

 

[Fadenself00_]

I just don't go to psychologist and go to psychiatrist only for my adhd meds. It is a waste of time. Nobody really want to help you only to excercise the power that they have over you. It will just destroy your confidence and you will get more submissive against abusers. Here I want to quote one post from reddit:

Unfortunately that is correct. There are only a small handful of shrinks who actually care and want to help; And the only ones like that are the ones actively criticizing psych meds and the system. All the other ones will have some sort of irrational narrative eventually due to an inevitable conflict of interest

 

[FluffIsJustice]

In my experience, there is a bit of a common opinion that a lot of people have but rarely talk about. This opinion is about people who are known not to work. They assume they get the money required to live from social services, which are funded through tax payers. So they sort of see those people as leeches on their wallet (since they have to pay tax - it often shows up when tax money is used where the taxpayers don't think it is necessary, with a sentiment of why are you wasting my money, I worked so hard to obtain it). They do not do that with everyone though, excluded are mainly people where you can clearly see from the outside that they need it (like if someone is in a wheelchair) or when they know about why they need it (then they understand).
So I'd guess it was just a snap judgement from a stranger who doesn't know you at all, and a lot of people like to make these sorts of snap judgements (they usually don't even realize they are doing it).

If you are feeling lonely, should I tell you how I usually manage loneliness? Chances are that you'd already know, so I hope I'm not too bothersome, but maybe it might help... I'd also appreciate it if you told me how you do it, as I might learn something

 

[CareLessMeaningLess]

Unfortunately that is correct. There are only a small handful of shrinks who actually care and want to help; And the only ones like that are the ones actively criticizing psych meds and the system. All the other ones will have some sort of irrational narrative eventually due to an inevitable conflict of interest

I feel like if I don't go to them then family,friends and general society will think that I haven't tried to get better. But I have fought for years alone and I don't want people to think that I didn't try.

 

[littlepup159]

I feel like if I don't go to them then family,friends and general society will think that I haven't tried to get better. But I have fought for years alone and I don't want people to think that I didn't try.

You could just lie to them lol and move on. You will not get better with flawed abusive system. Go read something for fun, magazines etc. Or you can have a reading interest in marxism would help you to understood the power dynamics and the abusive system. It helped me to untrap myself.

 

[CareLessMeaningLess]

In my experience, there is a bit of a common opinion that a lot of people have but rarely talk about. This opinion is about people who are known not to work. They assume they get the money required to live from social services, which are funded through tax payers. So they sort of see those people as leeches on their wallet (since they have to pay tax - it often shows up when tax money is used where the taxpayers don't think it is necessary, with a sentiment of why are you wasting my money, I worked so hard to obtain it). They do not do that with everyone though, excluded are mainly people where you can clearly see from the outside that they need it (like if someone is in a wheelchair) or when they know about why they need it (then they understand).
So I'd guess it was just a snap judgement from a stranger who doesn't know you at all, and a lot of people like to make these sorts of snap judgements (they usually don't even realize they are doing it).

If you are feeling lonely, should I tell you how I usually manage loneliness? Chances are that you'd already know, so I hope I'm not too bothersome, but maybe it might help... I'd also appreciate it if you told me how you do it, as I might learn something

You don't have feel like you are being bother, please do tell. Though I am afraid that I might not have any healthy tips for dealing with loneliness. Sorry

 

[Fadenself00_]

You could just lie to them lol and move on. You will not get better with flawed abusive system. Go read something for fun, magazines etc. Or you can have a reading interest in marxism would help you to understood the power dynamics and the abusive system. It helped me to untrap myself.

From my experience, the best thing to do is white lie + grey rock method. Aka. only tell partially the truth so it's genuine, and appear as uninteresting and boring as possible. Also try to appear as neurotypical as possible (talking hairstyle, clothes etc.) <- If we are talking about an acute abusive situation you otherwise cant get out of

 

[CareLessMeaningLess]

You could just lie to them lol and move on. You will not get better with flawed abusive system. Go read something for fun, magazines etc. Or you can have a reading interest in marxism would help you to understood the power dynamics and the abusive system. It helped me to untrap myself.

I could and when thing get uncomfortable I do. I might take you up on it if I don't CTB by then end of september.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

Don't worry, the only ways I know aren't all that healthy either, considering some of the consequences (for me, being able to get a break makes it worth it despite that)

So I'll start with non-social stuff, in case your like me and you find social stuff to be on nightmare difficulty level...
For me, distraction helps not with solving any issues, but with passing time (making it bearable). Have you ever heard about the flow state? Like when you are so focused on something that everything else just fades away (technically its also supposed to make you happy, never happens with me at least, but I guess for me forgetting everything is as close as I can get to happiness). That always helps me take a break. I usually use books or games to achieve it, but it has to be about something that interests me to work. Some negatives that came from it though - one was that I was considered to be a gaming addict before (seeing my behavior at times, I am a bit addicted to it mentally, so do keep that in mind in case you want to try it). And I started some multiplayer game (cuz I wanted to know what it's like to play in a team) and ended up reading this: "your so bad at this game, you should kill yourself" (was sent to me after the match, I found it really ironic lmao)(after which I explained why he had to wait a bit for that to happen, but the dude never read it, only said it was too long to bother reading. whelp). I remember some dying games with small userbases are very friendly to newcomers, but if toxicity is an issue then playing by yourself might be better for other games. Also, both reading and games can be done for free on the phone, in case money or a computer are an issue.
As you said your autistic, maybe your special interest might be of aid here, in case you have one. Dependingly, you might even be able to earn money with it, solving the 'how to get you into a job again' issue that people put a huge focus on. (since the previous job doesn't seem to have worked out well for you)

Other than that, there is also talking to yourself to hear a voice, but I guess everone here does that....

So then the social stuff
One thing I noticed is that I still feel lonely when I can't contribute to the conversation at all (then I just stand around randomly and analyse useless stuff, like what I mentioned in my post above, that's the result of one such session). I heard that that is less of an issue in certain interest-based gatherings, where everyone shares the same interest and talks about that. I can attest though that having an online friend with whom I talked about the game we were playing at the time really helped me, and didn't make me feel lonely either during the conversation. Non-interest based conversations don't make me feel lonely if I can actually participate (and as such feel included? probably). Compliments always help, like if someone has fan merch items, you can mention to them how cool they are and they'll talk about it no problem. Approaching is really difficult though, which is why I only managed a few times after breaking it into smaller tasks / excercises (they weren't as impossible to achieve, the start was to tell someone that the paper on the back of their shirt was sticking out. I needed like 3 tries to succeed as I just couldn't physically get any words out, by that point the dude had almost left as I was so slow ). Rituals like agreeing to eat together once a month (whatever is comfortable) or planning something (doesn't have to be fancy, like getting coffee or watching a movie is already enough (its possible for both to be at home and on a call, same movie on screen and start at the same time), then you can ask about what has been going on in their life in the meantime. And friendship groups are... too difficult for me .

Pets haven't been that much of a help for me, as they only seek me out for food lmao (and if try to hug them for comfort, it doesn't take long for them to demand to be let go with a 'unhand me hooman' subtitle)

Never been to a psychiatrist, but Ive been to 2 therapists. The first was clearly overwhelmed (she had to do a risk assessment, but started crying at the slightest mention of suicide and couldn't do it - I couldn't help but think she was doing the wrong job) and couldn't do it properly (I found out later that she's famous for being the worst therapist the hospital has to offer, so probably no power trip there - that one just ended up in the wrong place). So second time around I tried hard to get a better one, which ended up being more interested in others life I mentioned for context (and that one was supposed to be really good, so yeah). Point is that actually good therapists are rare. Also, as they (the ones working in the field) prefer not to force anything, if possible, so long as you mention not wanting to do anything right now because of xyz (feel free to fill in), it tends to be okay to talk. There is a resource about therapy in the recovery section, from someone who's quite experienced with the system and knows how to navigate it. But if the psychatrist doesn't help, it is possible (and better) to switch to another one (if there is another one around that you can switch to).

 

[CareLessMeaningLess]

Don't worry, the only ways I know aren't all that healthy either, considering some of the consequences (for me, being able to get a break makes it worth it despite that)

So I'll start with non-social stuff, in case your like me and you find social stuff to be on nightmare difficulty level...
For me, distraction helps not with solving any issues, but with passing time (making it bearable). Have you ever heard about the flow state? Like when you are so focused on something that everything else just fades away (technically its also supposed to make you happy, never happens with me at least, but I guess for me forgetting everything is as close as I can get to happiness). That always helps me take a break. I usually use books or games to achieve it, but it has to be about something that interests me to work. Some negatives that came from it though - one was that I was considered to be a gaming addict before (seeing my behavior at times, I am a bit addicted to it mentally, so do keep that in mind in case you want to try it). And I started some multiplayer game (cuz I wanted to know what it's like to play in a team) and ended up reading this: "your so bad at this game, you should kill yourself" (was sent to me after the match, I found it really ironic lmao)(after which I explained why he had to wait a bit for that to happen, but the dude never read it, only said it was too long to bother reading. whelp). I remember some dying games with small userbases are very friendly to newcomers, but if toxicity is an issue then playing by yourself might be better for other games. Also, both reading and games can be done for free on the phone, in case money or a computer are an issue.
As you said your autistic, maybe your special interest might be of aid here, in case you have one. Dependingly, you might even be able to earn money with it, solving the 'how to get you into a job again' issue that people put a huge focus on. (since the previous job doesn't seem to have worked out well for you)

Other than that, there is also talking to yourself to hear a voice, but I guess everone here does that....

So then the social stuff
One thing I noticed is that I still feel lonely when I can't contribute to the conversation at all (then I just stand around randomly and analyse useless stuff, like what I mentioned in my post above, that's the result of one such session). I heard that that is less of an issue in certain interest-based gatherings, where everyone shares the same interest and talks about that. I can attest though that having an online friend with whom I talked about the game we were playing at the time really helped me, and didn't make me feel lonely either during the conversation. Non-interest based conversations don't make me feel lonely if I can actually participate (and as such feel included? probably). Compliments always help, like if someone has fan merch items, you can mention to them how cool they are and they'll talk about it no problem. Approaching is really difficult though, which is why I only managed a few times after breaking it into smaller tasks / excercises (they weren't as impossible to achieve, the start was to tell someone that the paper on the back of their shirt was sticking out. I needed like 3 tries to succeed as I just couldn't physically get any words out, by that point the dude had almost left as I was so slow ). Rituals like agreeing to eat together once a month (whatever is comfortable) or planning something (doesn't have to be fancy, like getting coffee or watching a movie is already enough (its possible for both to be at home and on a call, same movie on screen and start at the same time), then you can ask about what has been going on in their life in the meantime. And friendship groups are... too difficult for me .

Pets haven't been that much of a help for me, as they only seek me out for food lmao (and if try to hug them for comfort, it doesn't take long for them to demand to be let go with a 'unhand me hooman' subtitle)

Never been to a psychiatrist, but Ive been to 2 therapists. The first was clearly overwhelmed (she had to do a risk assessment, but started crying at the slightest mention of suicide and couldn't do it - I couldn't help but think she was doing the wrong job) and couldn't do it properly (I found out later that she's famous for being the worst therapist the hospital has to offer, so probably no power trip there - that one just ended up in the wrong place). So second time around I tried hard to get a better one, which ended up being more interested in others life I mentioned for context (and that one was supposed to be really good, so yeah). Point is that actually good therapists are rare. Also, as they (the ones working in the field) prefer not to force anything, if possible, so long as you mention not wanting to do anything right now because of xyz (feel free to fill in), it tends to be okay to talk. There is a resource about therapy in the recovery section, from someone who's quite experienced with the system and knows how to navigate it. But if the psychatrist doesn't help, it is possible (and better) to switch to another one (if there is another one around that you can switch to).

Sorry to hear about your experience with your therapists...

When it comes to non-social stuff to pass the time I did play games. Roguelikes, rpgs, fighting games, and rhythm games. Though I have had a problem to find any energy to actually go and play anything. Even if I know that I will enjoy them and enter a "flow-state". The only thing that I play regularly are some gacha games. They aren't really good but they have given me a reason to get up from bed and do something for a hour or two. I kinda find it like taking care of a plant. Everyday you login in and take care of the account slowly but surely, making some progress. With everyother week being able to see the fruits of your labor. I also used to watch anime reguarly, though just like games I have had trouble finding any reason to watch stuff that I usually find interesting. Though I have been able to watch some shows that I have previously seen. I had a routine to watch two or three episodes at the end of a day just to unwind, I also used to do some basic squats or push ups before watching them just to also get some training into my routine. It helped me for a good while though when I got worse it stopped and I couldn't get my routine back. Apart from that I sometimes sing just to get out some emotion. I find that it really helps me, though I am not a good singer. I rarely get the opportunity to do so because my dad will randomly pop up when my mom is away on work and I don't want either of them to hear it. Apart from that when I get the opportunity I like to cook, spending a two hours in the kitchen listening to some music and preparing food for myself for the next days calms me down as I find some form of independance from my parents. I should probably say that I still live with my mom and dad comes down and prepare food for us all.

Though the main thing that have somewhat helped me is just talking with myself. Though it is such a mess in there that I don't know if who or what I am talking to is. Is it a good friend wanting to get me on the right track, a lover that accepts me for who I am or is it someone playing into my worst qualties ensuring that I stay in a pit. It is not uncommon for me to stay till for almost a hour letting it run wild with ideas, thought and "what ifs". Though despite all of that it still feels good feel heard even if it I know that it is not a real human connection.

When it comes to actual social stuff I find it (like you) a nightmare.
I had a friend group last year though it split up when I found out that my friends girlfriend cheated on him several times and was emotionally abusive. But during that time I felt like that I didn't belonged there. Like I was there just to pad the group size. Trying to open up to them about anything or just talk to them felt impossible. Everytime that we had a party it felt like that I was just not human. I could laugh with them and engage with them, but it just felt wrong.
Going way back when I went to university, I tried to approach a dude with a t-shirt with characters from a game I played ( Omori ). It took me several weeks to actually find the courage and approach him just to tell him that I liked his t-shirt. But when I finally approach him and complimented his t-shirt it didn't really go anywhere. I might have been to awkward since I also found him kind of cute, but no matter what he said thanks and then left. I don't even know what I expected to happen. That we would start talking about the game or start talking about our classes. I just find approaching anyone a nightmare since I don't want to bother them.

Yeah I should probably find someone else if I make it past september.

 

[littlepup159]

From my experience, the best thing to do is white lie + grey rock method. Aka. only tell partially the truth so it's genuine, and appear as uninteresting and boring as possible. Also try to appear as neurotypical as possible (talking hairstyle, clothes etc.) <- If we are talking about an acute abusive situation you otherwise cant get out of

Thank you. I have this similar in my mind but your frameworks sounds better and is more memorable. I will use this.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

Sorry for the late answer.

I manage to get up mainly by getting on my phone first. I also tend to sleep through mornings whenever I can, as that is the worst time period during the day for me. Also, working at night helps me be a bit more productive - I don't get as sleepy and the quiet helps for concentration. As you'd expect, none of it is considered a 'good' habit by anyone else, I constantly get 'once you have to work, you won't be able to live like that' and 'that's unhealthy' type of comments (particularly often from some family members). It's great that you enjoy cooking, I tend to find it difficult to get the energy to do so (consequently I often skip meals / sometimes get forcefed to the point of vomiting, which does not make eating more appealing) (it is out of concern though, as I have pretty much always been underweight and I do have a tendency to still lose weight).

So you actually managed to get into a friend group, that's impressive, I couldn't manage for the life of me. What bad luck that it had to implode like that though (still good to know her true colors I'd say). I have confided in friends before, it's difficult and depending on what you share you get some ... odd reactions but I can't quite manage to get friendships to a point where it'd be okay to call if I need someone to talk. Just realized that this is actually more of a problem on my side, as my definition of opening up was off (I thought of it as talking about past trauma, but turns out that my friends did actually talk about it before - it just seemed sorta minor to me so I didn't categorize it as 'opening up', how awkward) (I only recognized it as such with one person, but that one made me uncomfortable as she literally opened up on the first meeting, talking about all sorts of things while I need time to get comfortable with people due to being scared of people (one therapist once brought a good comparison, saying that to me people are like a turned-on stove - I touched it, got burned and now I hesitate to get near) (also, small note - even if you are scared of people, screaming and running away when you encounter one like arachnophobes do is not recommended for multiple reasons)). Also, I dislike 'overly' relying on people as you never know when they'll turn their back on you - could happen anyday, completely out of the blue (family especially is no exeption). I learned to be prepared just in case. Doesn't mean it will happen to eveyone though.

Oh, I tried Omori too but got stuck. I'll probably try again after the next few tests at uni, as I'll have a few free days. In case your still around, if I get stuck, would you mind giving me spoilers then?
I guess that reaction / answer can happen, maybe the key is to ask where they got it from? But it is difficult, especially depending on the situation (and feeling like a bother is very familiar to me as well, particuarly once I start rambling without realizing that it would be better if I just shut my mouth). I guess you can only drag it out a bit that way. Turns out I'm of no help after all, as expected .

 

[CareLessMeaningLess]

Sorry for the late answer.

I manage to get up mainly by getting on my phone first. I also tend to sleep through mornings whenever I can, as that is the worst time period during the day for me. Also, working at night helps me be a bit more productive - I don't get as sleepy and the quiet helps for concentration. As you'd expect, none of it is considered a 'good' habit by anyone else, I constantly get 'once you have to work, you won't be able to live like that' and 'that's unhealthy' type of comments (particularly often from some family members). It's great that you enjoy cooking, I tend to find it difficult to get the energy to do so (consequently I often skip meals / sometimes get forcefed to the point of vomiting, which does not make eating more appealing) (it is out of concern though, as I have pretty much always been underweight and I do have a tendency to still lose weight).

So you actually managed to get into a friend group, that's impressive, I couldn't manage for the life of me. What bad luck that it had to implode like that though (still good to know her true colors I'd say). I have confided in friends before, it's difficult and depending on what you share you get some ... odd reactions but I can't quite manage to get friendships to a point where it'd be okay to call if I need someone to talk. Just realized that this is actually more of a problem on my side, as my definition of opening up was off (I thought of it as talking about past trauma, but turns out that my friends did actually talk about it before - it just seemed sorta minor to me so I didn't categorize it as 'opening up', how awkward) (I only recognized it as such with one person, but that one made me uncomfortable as she literally opened up on the first meeting, talking about all sorts of things while I need time to get comfortable with people due to being scared of people (one therapist once brought a good comparison, saying that to me people are like a turned-on stove - I touched it, got burned and now I hesitate to get near) (also, small note - even if you are scared of people, screaming and running away when you encounter one like arachnophobes do is not recommended for multiple reasons)). Also, I dislike 'overly' relying on people as you never know when they'll turn their back on you - could happen anyday, completely out of the blue (family especially is no exeption). I learned to be prepared just in case. Doesn't mean it will happen to eveyone though.

Oh, I tried Omori too but got stuck. I'll probably try again after the next few tests at uni, as I'll have a few free days. In case your still around, if I get stuck, would you mind giving me spoilers then?
I guess that reaction / answer can happen, maybe the key is to ask where they got it from? But it is difficult, especially depending on the situation (and feeling like a bother is very familiar to me as well, particuarly once I start rambling without realizing that it would be better if I just shut my mouth). I guess you can only drag it out a bit that way. Turns out I'm of no help after all, as expected .

Don't worry about answering late. I am not really expecting anyone to respond so I am happy that anyone does, even if you think that it is late.

I usually spend most morning trying to sleep until midday, as seeing people outside going to work and being productive really messes me up and reminds me what a failure I am. Though I like to cook, I still sometimes skip eating even if I have leftovers. It is a mix a punishment for myself and not wanting to put on weight.
It sucks to hear that you have been forcedfed like that. It sounds awful.

I would not really say that it was impressive. The only reason I had them was because of my friend (the one who got cheated on). And while the group was still intact we would maybe party once a month, with the occasional party game over discord. I really didn't do much. I haven't been able to confide in anyone. Just writing this takes alot out of me. I have confide in one very recently. Not about anything that serious, but even then I felt like I was taking advantage over their kindness and burdening them. I don't really want to bother anyone with my problems. Especially when I know they have their own problems. People have confided in me sometimes (cousins, friends), and it feels nice, but it also feels so hollowing that I just can't do it with anyone. If I were to use your therapist comparison then I would say. "I never touched, it never got burned. I just looked at it from the corner in the kitchen, wondering if I should" It probably didn't make any sense. I might have gotten burned very very early on in my childhood but I doubt it.

Tomorrow I am meeting with a psychologist and I am absoulty dreading it. I won't get into specifics but I had a poorly thought out attempt a couple of weeks ago that led me to be in the ward for a day. I don't want to think about it or talk about it with him. But I am fairly certain that it will be brought up and be the foccus of the session. I don't know if I will write about it and if I do I will probably just make a new thread. I probably won't write anything.

I wouldn't say that you have been of no help. Having someone be willing to share how they deal with their loneliness gave me something to reflect on how I dealt with it. Thank you.

 

[dungeon keeper]

I think I know this one. Hear me out..

I just feel like that she doesn't care and I feel like that I can't actually say anything to serious due to the threat of me going to the hospital. The only thing that she can or want to do is to give me some light anti deppresant. It's like she thinks that I have some brain fog that can be cleared. I have been depressed, lonely with social anxiety and self hatred for over a decade and she thinks that all of that can be alleviated with some drug. She knows how long I have been feeling like this

She's psychiatrist, so she mostly does meds, sessions are short, don't expect deep talks.
She probably wants what's good for you, gave you pills, referral to a psychologist (the one you actually talk things through), keeps you in sessions while the pills kick in (takes few weeks). Sounds about right.

it took her months and 3-4 meetings to even consider that I should see a psychologist

Again, meds take a few weeks to start working and she keep examining you.

some meeting with a doctor (not the psychologist) and I don't know the reason for it.

Ask! They'll tell you ...goshh :p

?????? What do you want me to say?! That I hate myself

That's it! Say that.
They're not asking trick questions. It's just an opening. Tell them the problem. No need to drop the bomb in the first session. Spread it out over time. Tell them what you're feeling + how it affects your everyday life. Just speak up, they don't read minds...

And if this one really turns out to be bad, fck them. Next!

The workplace were I felt worthless. The workplace that no matter how nice the people were I just felt like a outsider.

Loads of people feel like aliens most of their working life. It's just not our habitat. We pretend it, then learn how to navigate it gracefully, over time it gets so easy it becomes muscle memory, so no stress.
And plenty of us older folks still see therapists every now and then, just to talk to someone sharper, get a fresh judgment on things or what I call 'soul hygiene'. And we like it!

 

[dungeon keeper]

I just don't go to psychologist and go to psychiatrist only for my adhd meds. It is a waste of time. Nobody really want to help you only to excercise the power that they have over you. It will just destroy your confidence and you will get more submissive against abusers.

What terrible advice

Don't do speed for too long
Best wishes!

 

[FluffIsJustice]

If I have a correct understanding, then you should be the one who decides what the goal or the focus (/ topic) of both the session and the entire process is (I mean, you are paying and you are the expert of your issues - nobody knows more than you about them). Also, the first session tends to be about roughly getting to know each other (to see if it might work or if it is better if you went to someone else), so it shouldn't focus entirely on one topic. What might have influenced that is that I got into therapy through a doctor recommendation (= I asked for it), after which I waited months upon months for both therapists (I was also never judged a high-risk case, maybe partly because I do not have any official attempts on my records (not to say that there weren't any, then I'd be lying - just never ended up in the hospital as things were interfered with / prevented before I could carry it out)

By any chance, might you also have a sort of 'double standard' towards yourself? I noticed that I have a different standard depending on whether it is about me or literally anyone else (mine is way more extreme, for example, if I buy a pre-cooked meal to heat up and eat for myself I tend to grab the cheapest version and if I buy it for someone else I tend to get a more expensive one, or I often refuse to buy myself sweets I'd like as I didn't do anything to deserve them, but I never once considered that anyone else has to first 'earn' their sweets. A non-food related example would be that I deserve to be in pain if I mess something up but if someone else makes the same mistake, then it can happen / should be forgiven without any consequences).

 

[CareLessMeaningLess]

I think I know this one. Hear me out..


She's psychiatrist, so she mostly does meds, sessions are short, don't expect deep talks.
She probably wants what's good for you, gave you pills, referral to a psychologist (the one you actually talk things through), keeps you in sessions while the pills kick in (takes few weeks). Sounds about right.

I had to learn the diffrences on my own. The ward basiclly said: "You have a appointment here in a two weeks. You will get help there." Saying help just feels like that it is setting up the wrong expecations. I searched up what her title was and my heart sank because in the back off my mind it feel like the wrong approach for my problems. But I went along with their help because I was desperate for any help. During the first three months she had me talk to some nurse (I think), just to check up on me on a biweekly basis. I had howerver a really bad meeting with the nurse that made me from passively suicidal to actively suicidal. I stopped seeing her obviously.
Later on (3-4 months maybe even 5-6, memory is fuzzy) I was the one that told the psychiatrist that I wanted to see a psychologist because I felt that it wasn't working. I also just felt crazy because every time I told some doctor about my problems they just seemed to focus on the wrong things and it made my neglect feel like it wasn't real.

Again, meds take a few weeks to start working and she keep examining you.

That I know. They told me repeatly until it got annoying.

Ask! They'll tell you ...goshh :p

The problem is that not only was I confused but I was also scared. During the last meeting with the psychiatrist she told me that she would look into someone. One week later I get two pieces of mail. One for the psychologist meeting and another one for that random doctor meeting. So when the day came for that doctor meeting, my mind was racing what was going to happen. I was bracing for myself. I know that it's probably a bad thing to do, but most times I leave any meeting from them I feel empty and hurt. So when I got into his office and it was a minute of silence before he talked, my mind was just trying to not get hurt.

That's it! Say that.
They're not asking trick questions. It's just an opening. Tell them the problem. No need to drop the bomb in the first session. Spread it out over time. Tell them what you're feeling + how it affects your everyday life. Just speak up, they don't read minds...

And if this one really turns out to be bad, fck them. Next!

Since it was a random doctor that I never met before nor someone that I thought that I would not meet again. Dumping anything out just felt wrong. The entire meeting felt wrong.

By any chance, might you also have a sort of 'double standard' towards yourself?

Yeah I have. I don't really have any good example but I am reguarly beating myself up over mistakes I do, that if anyone else did I would forgive them.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

What you just mentioned reminds me of the people who told me that I and my life (the way I experience it) is normal and that I didnt need therapy (this includes my first therapist (to be fair, that therapist said that relatively early and didnt mention it again later, later it came from others)). I did learn to talk about what happened in the past though, which I could not do before. And with the second therapist I learned to talk about how I currently experience things. But both of these things took time (quite a few sessions) and it does not make it more comfortable.

In my understanding, I do not consider telling them anything as burdening them mainly because that is their job during that set period of time. They literally get paid to talk with me and try to figure out solutions to help me, and if I dont talk then they have nothing to work with, so might as well. Maybe it might help you if you try to shift the way you look at it in a similar direction.

Bracing for possible future hurt is in my opinion not a bad thing to do, it is more of a natural reaction after youve been hurt multiple times. I personally do something similar (I mainly try to get rid of any positive expectations, if that makes sense? Maybe its different, its like imagining all the possible worst outcomes so if they happen it wont affect me as much, I can just say 'yeah I saw that one coming').

 

[dungeon keeper]

Dumping anything out just felt wrong.

I totally feel you.