Crow_88
Specialist
- Dec 30, 2024
- 377
I haven't been on here for quite a while but walls are closing in and I need to reach out in some way.
Basically, I am a coward. I am afraid of everyone and everything. I am so afraid that even groups where I am accepted ive stopped frequenting. I am afraid to open my mouth. To be judged. I hate compliments. Having my name mentioned. Anything. Yet at the same time yearn for social interaction. What a nonsense mess. I start out so encouraging and somewhere along the line i become terrified and hide.
I really do believe I am a sociopath. But a stupid and cowardly one. I look at the wreckage of my life and see a pattern of manipulation or attempted manipulation. The desire for power. To lead. To be a big deal.
I went into psychosis for 4 years and did seemingly unending terrible things. At one point I pulled a knife on my mom while believing she was a gang leader bent on destroying me. I was arrested for that one. Im pretty sure there is still a warrant for my arrest out there as I skipped the court date by accident. I am just so fucked. Fuck.
I am just an absolute piece of shit and i treat people terribly. I hate everyone. Well, almost everyone.
Anyways, i do regret everything but that doesn't seem to stop me from continuing my patterns. I really think i was born broken and have just been depressed my whole life and just shit to people. A total user.
Death is the only way out now. But I'm too scared to attempt again. There is no way death is worse than what is coming. Ill end up homeless or in jail and be dismembered and just tortured for real. Its so scary. Death is better than the future.
Basically, I am a coward. I am afraid of everyone and everything. I am so afraid that even groups where I am accepted ive stopped frequenting. I am afraid to open my mouth. To be judged. I hate compliments. Having my name mentioned. Anything. Yet at the same time yearn for social interaction. What a nonsense mess. I start out so encouraging and somewhere along the line i become terrified and hide.
I really do believe I am a sociopath. But a stupid and cowardly one. I look at the wreckage of my life and see a pattern of manipulation or attempted manipulation. The desire for power. To lead. To be a big deal.
I went into psychosis for 4 years and did seemingly unending terrible things. At one point I pulled a knife on my mom while believing she was a gang leader bent on destroying me. I was arrested for that one. Im pretty sure there is still a warrant for my arrest out there as I skipped the court date by accident. I am just so fucked. Fuck.
I am just an absolute piece of shit and i treat people terribly. I hate everyone. Well, almost everyone.
Anyways, i do regret everything but that doesn't seem to stop me from continuing my patterns. I really think i was born broken and have just been depressed my whole life and just shit to people. A total user.
Death is the only way out now. But I'm too scared to attempt again. There is no way death is worse than what is coming. Ill end up homeless or in jail and be dismembered and just tortured for real. Its so scary. Death is better than the future.
