Rant

[everlastinghistory]

I've posted on here several times about thinking a girl I love would be better off without me. I think I'm finally starting to somewhat move on from her. The problem however, is that I don't want to get over her. I was on a suicide mission when I met her. I would be dead right now if it wasn't for her. She saved my life. I literally owe my life to her. Forgetting about her would give me peace, and I would finally be able to focus on myself for once and try and get my life back together… In theory it sounds perfect. Though it certainly isn't. Forgetting about her scares me. I'm afraid if I forget about her I may end up in the situation I was in before we met again. While I obviously have still considered suicide since meeting her, it was always because I thought it would make her happy. This wouldn't be to make her happy. This wouldn't benefit anyone and I know it. In this case my death would cause more harm than good. I don't want to hurt anyone. Contrary to popular belief (many people have tried to call me a psycho because I 'don't care about anyone' — the reality is I only care about that girl) I don't want to hurt people. My goal is in no way to hurt people.

I don't think I would kill myself over her. However, long story short when I was 13 I was threatened with rape and murder. The people who made these threats were people I considered very close friends; and they even plotted it. They didn't just threaten it. They planned. Nobody cared when that happened. Everyone took their side and said it was 'just a joke' and 'kids being kids'. Including the police. Not even the police cared. The most that happened was that my high school wasn't allowed to put them in classes with me. Nothing beyond that was done.

I've been bitter about this for years and will be until the end. I was bullied by those people for 5 years prior to the threats being made. Since then I've been repetitively told to 'get over myself' and that I was 'overreacting'. I've been told 'it's been years they probably don't even remember it' and 'you need to stop saying we didn't do anything when we did' even though they definitely did not.

I'm tired. I've been tired for years. I wanted to kill myself to make all the pestering about that situation stop. To make myself stop thinking about it. To stop dealing with the fear that every person I talk to may turn on me some day. I wanted peace from constant paranoia, fear, and being told my fears were irrational.

The girl I talk about was beyond supportive when I told her about the situation. She agreed that more should've been done and told me it was okay that I still feel the way I do. She made the pestering feel less invalidating. She gave me peace.

Without her around… I feel as though that pestering will become too much again.

I don't want to kill myself over people who threatened to murder me. It would be giving them exactly what they wanted. But without her… Well, I don't think there'd be anything to discourage me.

I don't want to get over her. Getting over her means letting people who wanted to kill me win. I know it does. It's inevitable. But at the same time… I'm only hurting her and myself by fighting this.

I don't want to hurt her any more than I already have… But letting them get what they want…… It feels incredibly wrong.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such a difficult situation to be in and it sounds incredibly awful what you have been through. The cruelty of humans is definitely one of the things that I hate so much about this world and I get why you would feel so tired of it all. There really is nothing fair about this life, but I wish you the best.

 

[makethepainstop]

What happens next is going to depend on two things. How much love you feel for verses how badly you want to go. Which feeling will prove the stronger?

 

[hopelessdreams]

this is a very tough situation to be in, i'm really sorry to hear that.

from what i hear the girl is very supportive and wants to be your friend (or significant other, idk what the situation is precisely). i can tell you being a female myself that if a girl wants to be there she will be, and if she doesn't and feels she will be better of without the person she will leave. but she hasn't left you and that's honestly a wonderful thing. amidst all the ugliness of what the people around you have done to you, you have found a diamond; her.

i wouldn't destroy a bond that is positive for the both of you (again, from what i can tell) and helping you stay afloat despite your suffering.

i don't know if you were looking for advice or not, but this is my insensitive. i truly wish you the best and hope you can make the decision that's best for you.