ArchmagePrincess
Magical Princess of Death
- Aug 31, 2022
- 145
Back to having a job again and it's taking a severe toll on my well-being and sanity. I wasn't exactly happy before but I had lots of free time to be with friends, play video games watch tv, write, cook, and draw. Now I'm back to being too tired physically and emotionally to do much of anything besides go to work, eat fast food, and cry.
I'm noticing it's making me much more irritable as I'm snapping at people in anger for little reason. Self harming is going up just punching my head and thighs in frustration at times, biting my arms. Been with my friends much less often as well, most of my social interaction now just comes from customers calling me slurs, telling me how ugly I am, and yelling at me about pillow prices. Managers can't really do more than give them free stuff and hope they leave, and that's just depressing to have to sit there and be polite to these abusers as they tear into me or else I get fired.
It's rapidly killing the small will to live I had left since the things I appreciated about life feel like they're slipping away. Before I was just considering more peaceful and taking longer to plan methods like N2 or CO, but since I'm in the US, the easy access to a 12 gauge shotgun is looking more and more appealing. I still am terrified of trying it cause of my complete inexperience with guns and the risk of surviving in a much worse state, but my frustrations with living are just getting worse.
The only semblance of hope I've got left at this point is waiting till winter semester for attending college, taking out big student loans just to try and enjoy life without worrying about money, and living on campus and then at the end of it either see if my disability application was approved or CTB. Other than that, I'm just constantly miserable, bored, exhausted, and paranoid.
Being unable to afford my hormone medications isn't helping either. Debt hounds keep emailing me about my medical debt reminding me I can't even afford medicine anymore, and I'm noticing heart palpitations, random pains, and hot flashes which all really don't help my mental state at all, and are just fuel for my paranoia and panic attacks to think I'm dying.
I'm noticing it's making me much more irritable as I'm snapping at people in anger for little reason. Self harming is going up just punching my head and thighs in frustration at times, biting my arms. Been with my friends much less often as well, most of my social interaction now just comes from customers calling me slurs, telling me how ugly I am, and yelling at me about pillow prices. Managers can't really do more than give them free stuff and hope they leave, and that's just depressing to have to sit there and be polite to these abusers as they tear into me or else I get fired.
It's rapidly killing the small will to live I had left since the things I appreciated about life feel like they're slipping away. Before I was just considering more peaceful and taking longer to plan methods like N2 or CO, but since I'm in the US, the easy access to a 12 gauge shotgun is looking more and more appealing. I still am terrified of trying it cause of my complete inexperience with guns and the risk of surviving in a much worse state, but my frustrations with living are just getting worse.
The only semblance of hope I've got left at this point is waiting till winter semester for attending college, taking out big student loans just to try and enjoy life without worrying about money, and living on campus and then at the end of it either see if my disability application was approved or CTB. Other than that, I'm just constantly miserable, bored, exhausted, and paranoid.
Being unable to afford my hormone medications isn't helping either. Debt hounds keep emailing me about my medical debt reminding me I can't even afford medicine anymore, and I'm noticing heart palpitations, random pains, and hot flashes which all really don't help my mental state at all, and are just fuel for my paranoia and panic attacks to think I'm dying.
