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M

Mi Mi

No One Special
Mar 18, 2024
308
Long Random Thoughts Post


I first woke up around 2 am.
I don't remember why but for the last few days that habit of going to sleep..waking between 2 to 3 am...go to the bathroom...scroll on IG reels..browse SS...get myself back to sleep.

My botox shot in my bladder has wore off and it's annoying having to pee all the time and immediately or I'll miss myself.

This morning I decided to have my energy tea to try to give me a little pep.
I also had a headache but I didn't want to take anything for it as to prepare myself for that being a possible side effect.

I wrote in my journal and I looked at the positive quote that comes on the tea.
To my surprise it read Appreciate Yourself And Honor Your Soul. I tore it off and put in my journal.

I've been having some nightmares lately but I don't care. I refuse to let them play mind tricks with me about me ending my life.
Even in the dreams my fear is lesser that before. To soothe myself I fantasize about going to heaven. A manifesting if you will.

I spoke about dreams in previous posts. And a particular one is the being left behind. If you read it I said it started out me trying to catch up but not able and so I just feel sad.
Then it went from that to being a bit ok. Then it went to me completely not trying to even catch up...I let them leave and I go do my own thing.

Well that dream returned but this was very different.
This time it's like I was trying to catch up but also like I was following her. At one point I look over to see her waiting for me. Then I look back and she's gone.
I go through the doors and there's all these escalators. I mumbled in annoyance and she pops out to wave where she is and to hurry. Immediately I panic and start accepting I may not catch up to her. I see people running to get on the train...I run and I actually make it...as I look for a seat but I don't see her I decide to go to the back. All of a sudden I'm stopped and it's her pulling me towards her because she saved me a seat.
For once I wasn't left behind...I made it.
I'm hoping that's my sign that this time I'm gonna make it.

I can't take another hospital stay. I bare to go on knowing I've lost all my independence and comfort.

I went to the movies today.
I bought chicken tenders, water, birthday cake slushie.
I actually didn't enjoy the movie. All I could think was the movie makes no sense πŸ˜‚
And how sad that my life is ending this way. I'm still trying to remember It's not my fault...I did the best I could do and everything is gonna be ok. It may not have gone how I planned for but as long as I die is all that matters. Many people ask me if I'm sure it's my time.
And I am but when it comes down to it ready or not it has to be done. This is not a overnight decision because of just one thing.
It's a accumulation of things over the last 2 years that Matter most to me.
That's good enough reason. I know how I may seem but I don't wanna live anymore and every time you ask me I'll tell you yes.

It's so bad for me that I don't want my life..that life...this life..please no reincarnationπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I never want to do this again.

It's natural to be nervous and scared but it doesn't mean I'm not ready or I don't want this.

Many of you were there with me on that thread of my last attempt after I drank that antifreeze so it should be known how bad I want this.

I picture myself in my red leapord jammies...in my bed that smells like coffee and whiskey bath and body works cologne...my spirit leaves my body and I'm dressed in a beautiful form fitting silver crystal gown...I walk down the hall of my apartment...out the door to a Uber Black Escalade with a driver waiting for me to take me to my luxury apartment in heaven πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ‘ΌπŸΎ..I know I'm dramatic πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ but it soothes me.

I decided that while I'm venting this journey. For myself and to give another example of an SN user. This time around not so sad...ok.
I do have moments of sadness but I really wanna be celebrated. My people call it a homegoing. While I was alive I didn't get many celebrations or any flowers. So during these next few days yes I'm venting...but please celebrate me..wish me love and light...manifest with me a peaceful and quick as possible death.

Well those are all my random thoughts. Hopefully I will sleep a little better tonight. I have to start my fast to do a saltwater detox. Begin cleaning and packing again.
Love
Mi MiπŸ’œ
 

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A

AveMori

Member
Feb 10, 2023
97
Thank you for sharing your words, I loved reading every word of it.
 
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L

LostSoul1965

Experienced
Apr 15, 2024
272
Very well written and expressed. Thank you for sharing. I too loved reading your words. It was very touching. I hope you find the peace you are looking for my friend.
 
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M

Mi Mi

No One Special
Mar 18, 2024
308
Very well written and expressed. Thank you for sharing. I too loved reading your words. It was very touching. I hope you find the peace you are looking for my friend.
ThankyouπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ
 
R

rozeske

Maybe I am the problem
Dec 2, 2023
3,253
No, it's not your fault. None of us deserves to be in this place. We just happen to be one of the few percentage of suicidal people. We did the best we could with what we've got, fought as much as we could but I guess somethings you just can't win. Everyone deserves the right to a decision of when to say enough.
Wish you love and light Mi Mi ❀️
 
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M

Mi Mi

No One Special
Mar 18, 2024
308
No, it's not your fault. None of us deserves to be in this place. We just happen to be one of the few percentage of suicidal people. We did the best we could with what we've got, fought as much as we could but I guess somethings you just can't win. Everyone deserves the right to a decision of when to say enough.
Wish you love and light Mi Mi ❀️
Thankyou my love πŸ’“
 
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Reactions: rozeske

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