So many random thoughts. So I guess I'll just randomly put them out in some kinda organized way.
I'm so thankful for this site. To see so many other people from all over of all ages think the way I do. It's comforting and a relief.
I hate that I'm still sad about losing my old job. To have to pass it every day to a job I hate is hard.
I hate that feeling of loss where you know you hated what you once had but now that it's gone you romanticize the things you miss(referencing my old job again)
I'm still in shock about how everything happened. But now I'm wondering if I had to go through all that to get here. This is the closest and the most reliable suicide plan I've ever had. If I was still at my old job and the events leading up to where I am now...would I have found SN or would I have continued to suffer trying to find a plan but to exhausted to really research.
I can't believe I actually made it to 43 with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Not only did I make it this far but I did so as a good person. I literally can count on one hand how many terrible things I chose to do trying to hurt people because I was hurt. And I asked for forgiveness and I chose to never let hurt make me act out towards another. I think that's a pretty big accomplishment. My heart is broken but I never set out to hurt people or make them feel how I felt. I was a good confident. I was reliable. People felt safe with me. For some reason I never realized how important that actually is.
I made my last video post on YouTube and the few people that watched left the most beautiful comments to me. Reminding me of what a special person I am. They support my decision to kill myself. They understand my choice. They listened to me. Despite my darkness they saw my light. Same as on this platform. And I'm grateful to have experienced that before I leave.
I'm shocked at how much praise I've received at my new job.
As much as I hate it I'm a great masker.
My supervisor, general manager and coworkers have all said how great I am and how so many like me.
I laugh because it's only a matter of time before those same qualities will get me in trouble.
As nice as I can be if you disrespect me are rude or anything I deem Unessecary...I can easily hurt your feelings.
So far I have made it to May.
I'm going with the flow. I'm working up the courage to attempt again. Trying to figure out the timing. It's a bit difficult because in June that's my grams Bday and the next month is my sister's bday and the next month is my nephews bday. So I'm trying to avoid these times but unfortunately I just can't.
As soon as I test the SN...if all is good then I see the time being by the end of May or early June.
Right now I'm trying to maintain a pattern of not calling or responding to text messages to fast. I do this to give the same energy it was before my last attempt. I want to make sure I'm not saved when I do attempt.
And it's crazy I have to do this now because before everything happened I would go weeks without any communication from anyone in my family.
Now all of a sudden they call every few days.
I think we all sense the end is coming.
But I wish they would leave it be. Now is not the time to save a life when you didn't care and still don't care about me.
I think it's more so guilt that may be felt.
I'm hoping they'll let it go once it's done.
I'm in a place now where this is just how it is and hopefully her faith in God will get her through and I'll finally be at peace.
I think 43 years is long enough. I'm absolutely sure I want to die. I can't see myself doing this another year let alone another decade.
I wanna die young and while I'm able. I don't want to grow more sad and invisible while trying to survive at the same time while being told i should enjoy and be grateful for life.
I don't wanna be strong and resilient anymore. I don't wanna live to protect you from guilt.
When I was young I wanted to die to hurt those around me who made me feel worthless, unloved, ignored me.
Now I'm just tired and lonely. And I'm wearing down.
I really hope this is the final successful plan because everything in me is dead but I just can't bare to be homeless until I die.
I'm so sure that I don't think about what ifs any more.
I don't say well if this happened or if this was done anymore.
I'm in a place where I just want to quietly disappear.
No fighting
No anger
No sadness even if I feel sad
I just want everything to finally be over.
Well guess I'll put on my mask and head off to work.
I hope we'll all get that final peace.
I hope dyingtodie123 made it safely.
Her digits are my actual birthday.
I hope to see her soon
I know easier said then done.
But try to remember you didn't deserve the life you got.
You did the best you could.
You're doing the best you can.
Love Mi Mi
I'm so thankful for this site. To see so many other people from all over of all ages think the way I do. It's comforting and a relief.
I hate that I'm still sad about losing my old job. To have to pass it every day to a job I hate is hard.
I hate that feeling of loss where you know you hated what you once had but now that it's gone you romanticize the things you miss(referencing my old job again)
I'm still in shock about how everything happened. But now I'm wondering if I had to go through all that to get here. This is the closest and the most reliable suicide plan I've ever had. If I was still at my old job and the events leading up to where I am now...would I have found SN or would I have continued to suffer trying to find a plan but to exhausted to really research.
I can't believe I actually made it to 43 with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Not only did I make it this far but I did so as a good person. I literally can count on one hand how many terrible things I chose to do trying to hurt people because I was hurt. And I asked for forgiveness and I chose to never let hurt make me act out towards another. I think that's a pretty big accomplishment. My heart is broken but I never set out to hurt people or make them feel how I felt. I was a good confident. I was reliable. People felt safe with me. For some reason I never realized how important that actually is.
I made my last video post on YouTube and the few people that watched left the most beautiful comments to me. Reminding me of what a special person I am. They support my decision to kill myself. They understand my choice. They listened to me. Despite my darkness they saw my light. Same as on this platform. And I'm grateful to have experienced that before I leave.
I'm shocked at how much praise I've received at my new job.
As much as I hate it I'm a great masker.
My supervisor, general manager and coworkers have all said how great I am and how so many like me.
I laugh because it's only a matter of time before those same qualities will get me in trouble.
As nice as I can be if you disrespect me are rude or anything I deem Unessecary...I can easily hurt your feelings.
So far I have made it to May.
I'm going with the flow. I'm working up the courage to attempt again. Trying to figure out the timing. It's a bit difficult because in June that's my grams Bday and the next month is my sister's bday and the next month is my nephews bday. So I'm trying to avoid these times but unfortunately I just can't.
As soon as I test the SN...if all is good then I see the time being by the end of May or early June.
Right now I'm trying to maintain a pattern of not calling or responding to text messages to fast. I do this to give the same energy it was before my last attempt. I want to make sure I'm not saved when I do attempt.
And it's crazy I have to do this now because before everything happened I would go weeks without any communication from anyone in my family.
Now all of a sudden they call every few days.
I think we all sense the end is coming.
But I wish they would leave it be. Now is not the time to save a life when you didn't care and still don't care about me.
I think it's more so guilt that may be felt.
I'm hoping they'll let it go once it's done.
I'm in a place now where this is just how it is and hopefully her faith in God will get her through and I'll finally be at peace.
I think 43 years is long enough. I'm absolutely sure I want to die. I can't see myself doing this another year let alone another decade.
I wanna die young and while I'm able. I don't want to grow more sad and invisible while trying to survive at the same time while being told i should enjoy and be grateful for life.
I don't wanna be strong and resilient anymore. I don't wanna live to protect you from guilt.
When I was young I wanted to die to hurt those around me who made me feel worthless, unloved, ignored me.
Now I'm just tired and lonely. And I'm wearing down.
I really hope this is the final successful plan because everything in me is dead but I just can't bare to be homeless until I die.
I'm so sure that I don't think about what ifs any more.
I don't say well if this happened or if this was done anymore.
I'm in a place where I just want to quietly disappear.
No fighting
No anger
No sadness even if I feel sad
I just want everything to finally be over.
Well guess I'll put on my mask and head off to work.
I hope we'll all get that final peace.
I hope dyingtodie123 made it safely.
Her digits are my actual birthday.
I hope to see her soon
I know easier said then done.
But try to remember you didn't deserve the life you got.
You did the best you could.
You're doing the best you can.
Love Mi Mi
