Ramblings about myself and my suicidal feelings

[H0110W]

I'm not in a bad situation compared to many others here. I have a decent family, a job, a car, a lot of money, but I can't stop thinking about wanting to kms. The feeling starts when I wake up and ends when I go to sleep (sometimes, if I don't get nightmares). My big issue is being stuck on a job I absolutely hate and that I cannot get out of, and extreme loneliness. My job is not so bad, I am a sysadmin, but I hate it, I have no passion whatsoever for this shit anymore. Also, having to deal with normies is a constant reminder of my failure.
They may not have a perfect life but surely they are better off than me in terms of social life and love life. I feel so fucking lonely and I have nobody I can relate to.

My teenage years were wasted on video games and depression due to no motivation at school, difficulty making friends due to shyness and introversion, and on top of that, I was bullied pretty hard. So I became a shut-in, played video games all day, lurked the internets deep into the night and watched unhealthy amounts of porn too. I became full hikikomori and missed an entire year of school too at some point when I was 16.
Having wasted my teenage years and being bullied has broken my psyche I guess, I feel like I am stuck there, I am a 15 years old in the body of a 30 years old, I am still attracted to girls that age too ffs, which makes me so ashamed of myself (age of consent is 15 here but I don't act on this attraction, it is very frowned upon too). I have a brother who is 16 years old, and I relate so well to him, we play video games and go skating at the park sometimes, it's actually nice and I have lots of brotherly love for him, I hope he won't turn out like me, but I've been a very bad influence to him so far, and he realizes I'm a fucking failure.

It's impossible for me to make friends at my age, everyone is on a whole other planet compared to me. If I try to go out with my colleagues I just feel out of place, and then the depression kicks in because of it. I am so jealous of their lives, but I cannot fit in no matter how hard I try. Women aren't attracted to me, even if they are attracted to me physically as soon as they know me better they realize there is something very wrong with me, that I am socially inept and that I am sexually immature, and that I have no social life or friends.

Things keep getting worse, I cannot get out of the depression that hit me and that progressively gets worse every passing day. I am no longer functional in society, and even if I had the energy to work out and make an effort to seem normal at work, I can't do it anymore. Colleagues tell me I'm in a bad shape, that I've gotten skinnier, and that I don't look so good. Bosses are disappointed on my performance and they ask me what the fuck am I doing. My home-gym is collecting rust in my garage, and my productivity has dropped. My parents are getting old and they are very disappointed in me, I am a complete failure at 30+ years old, living in my parents house like a zombie, going out only to work my shitty job. If only I had someone to spend some time with offline, I could probably be saved. But nobody gives two fucks about me anymore, unless they have a computer to fix that is. They don't understand my problems, and cannot offer any solution.

Like I said before, I am deeply introverted and it's insanely hard to talk about these things for me, I can do it online anonymously but not irl. I am making a last desperate effort though, I have an appointment with my doctor to talk about my depression, in a few days. I'll probably get some meds prescribed, maybe I'll have to go to a therapist (I'll probably won't go though). Still, this is not the life I wanted. I don't want to go to work 9-18 like a fucking wageslave, and come home to my disappointed, old parents, or even worse, to an empty house. I don't want to take meds just to feel normal. I don't want to be consumed by envy and regret anymore. That is why I will probably kms within the end of the year, I cannot stand this shit anymore, and it keeps getting worse.

I'm sorry for this rambling mess of a post, but maybe someone here will understand what I'm going through, and offer advice. I am posting in recovery because I still haven't lost all of my hope, just 99% of it. I wonder what the doctor will say about the depression and if I should tell him about the suicidal feelings...

 

[timf]

Reflecting on one's life can increase a feeling of failure or it can reveal hints at why things did not go well and what might be done to make corrections.

You mention being a systems administrator. I assume this is an IT specialization. This might mean a higher IQ than average. It is common among this group to be intimidated during adolescence by social situations. As a result individual activities become a focus and social skill development in this area can be neglected.

One way to resist an increasing fog of depression based on feelings of hopelessness is to formulate plans to experiment in addressing skill deficiencies. If you lack developmental social skills, it may be possible to work at constructing them through engaging in brief task oriented social situations. For example, many cities have organizations that facilitate leisure learning classes such as cooking, river rafting, museum outings, etc.

Work also can be an opportunity to experiment with actions that might improve things. For example, if there is someone requiring the services of your department, you might consider making their needs a priority and figure a way to provide what they need. They might be appreciative and being thanked can usually give a boost.

If you identify your condition as something like Aspergers, you may find others similarly dealing with issues that can work as grounds for common interests as well.

 

[H0110W]

What you say makes sense, but believe me I tried. To be more social, to become more attractive, but nothing helped long term. I had self esteem boosts on the short term but that's about it, I plunged again into depression after a while. I'm not sure about aspergers or autism, I may be somewhere on the spectrum but I was never diagnosed. I almost got out of it at some point, some of my female colleagues started being interested in me outside of work, or complimenting me, but I was always held back by this overwhelming sense of sadness and envy. Right now I'm being very hard to deal with, I just can't stand being here anymore. People just avoid me, someone still asks me what's wrong but I always say a stereotypical "I'm fine". I am so fucking sad and tired. Hopefully posting here and talking to my doctor can help. I am so sick and tired of this. If only I had a gun I would have kms already. But I am super scared of pain, extremely scared of anything painful, I'm even postponed the vaccine mostly because I'm scared of needles, first then because I am a paranoid. I'm probably still alive only because I'm scared of hurting myself in any physical way.

 

[sufferingextremely]

I'm not in a bad situation compared to many others here. I have a decent family, a job, a car, a lot of money, but I can't stop thinking about wanting to kms. The feeling starts when I wake up and ends when I go to sleep (sometimes, if I don't get nightmares). My big issue is being stuck on a job I absolutely hate and that I cannot get out of, and extreme loneliness. My job is not so bad, I am a sysadmin, but I hate it, I have no passion whatsoever for this shit anymore. Also, having to deal with normies is a constant reminder of my failure.
They may not have a perfect life but surely they are better off than me in terms of social life and love life. I feel so fucking lonely and I have nobody I can relate to.

My teenage years were wasted on video games and depression due to no motivation at school, difficulty making friends due to shyness and introversion, and on top of that, I was bullied pretty hard. So I became a shut-in, played video games all day, lurked the internets deep into the night and watched unhealthy amounts of porn too. I became full hikikomori and missed an entire year of school too at some point when I was 16.
Having wasted my teenage years and being bullied has broken my psyche I guess, I feel like I am stuck there, I am a 15 years old in the body of a 30 years old, I am still attracted to girls that age too ffs, which makes me so ashamed of myself (age of consent is 15 here but I don't act on this attraction, it is very frowned upon too). I have a brother who is 16 years old, and I relate so well to him, we play video games and go skating at the park sometimes, it's actually nice and I have lots of brotherly love for him, I hope he won't turn out like me, but I've been a very bad influence to him so far, and he realizes I'm a fucking failure.

It's impossible for me to make friends at my age, everyone is on a whole other planet compared to me. If I try to go out with my colleagues I just feel out of place, and then the depression kicks in because of it. I am so jealous of their lives, but I cannot fit in no matter how hard I try. Women aren't attracted to me, even if they are attracted to me physically as soon as they know me better they realize there is something very wrong with me, that I am socially inept and that I am sexually immature, and that I have no social life or friends.

Things keep getting worse, I cannot get out of the depression that hit me and that progressively gets worse every passing day. I am no longer functional in society, and even if I had the energy to work out and make an effort to seem normal at work, I can't do it anymore. Colleagues tell me I'm in a bad shape, that I've gotten skinnier, and that I don't look so good. Bosses are disappointed on my performance and they ask me what the fuck am I doing. My home-gym is collecting rust in my garage, and my productivity has dropped. My parents are getting old and they are very disappointed in me, I am a complete failure at 30+ years old, living in my parents house like a zombie, going out only to work my shitty job. If only I had someone to spend some time with offline, I could probably be saved. But nobody gives two fucks about me anymore, unless they have a computer to fix that is. They don't understand my problems, and cannot offer any solution.

Like I said before, I am deeply introverted and it's insanely hard to talk about these things for me, I can do it online anonymously but not irl. I am making a last desperate effort though, I have an appointment with my doctor to talk about my depression, in a few days. I'll probably get some meds prescribed, maybe I'll have to go to a therapist (I'll probably won't go though). Still, this is not the life I wanted. I don't want to go to work 9-18 like a fucking wageslave, and come home to my disappointed, old parents, or even worse, to an empty house. I don't want to take meds just to feel normal. I don't want to be consumed by envy and regret anymore. That is why I will probably kms within the end of the year, I cannot stand this shit anymore, and it keeps getting worse.

I'm sorry for this rambling mess of a post, but maybe someone here will understand what I'm going through, and offer advice. I am posting in recovery because I still haven't lost all of my hope, just 99% of it. I wonder what the doctor will say about the depression and if I should tell him about the suicidal feelings...

You sound like you may suffer from clinical depression. This is different from ordinary sadness. If you do, you need medication. You will be amazed at how much better you feel, after you find the right medication. I've been through this many times. When you have depression, you have this extremely negative outlook on life. What you have to realize is that this outlook is an illusion, and actually has nothing or next to nothing to do with your living circumstances. Your lack of energy and inability to muster the motivation to work out are symptoms of your depression, believe it or not.

You can take a test on the website idrlabs to get an idea of what you might get diagnosed with. I'd bet high on depression. About your suicidal thoughts, you can tell the therapist. To them, thoughts alone are an indication that you need some kind of therapy/medication combination. If you tell them that you are planning or otherwise intend to act on those thoughts, you will find yourself in a set of handcuffs. They will have you picked up by the police and forcibly put in a hospital. You will not be allowed to leave the hospital on your own volition. The doctor has to approve it (and it can be pure hell convincing them). After so many days you are entitled a hearing with a judge. You will have an opportunity to override the doctor at that hearing. If the judge sides with the doctor, you are sent back to the hospital. The doctor can file papers with the court to have your stay extended, and he/she can do this over and over. You will be in front of a judge arguing for your freedom, when you have committed no crime. When you are sent home, you will find yourself saddled with a many thousands of dollars bill for your stay (assuming you live in the U.S.). These hospitals can be pure hell, but you typically get out fairly quickly. It is not typical for the scenario that I described to happen, but I've seen it happen to people and I've been in these places for as much as months at a time.

 

[sufferingextremely]

I feel like I am stuck there, I am a 15 years old in the body of a 30 years old, I am still attracted to girls that age too ffs, which makes me so ashamed of myself (age of consent is 15 here but I don't act on this attraction, it is very frowned upon too).

It is actually normative to be attracted to teenage girls, of some age. Where I live the age of consent is 16 in some states, 18 in others. If a girl is at 17 years and 364 days old, does she radically change in appearance one day later? Obviously not, and the same men that are attracted to her at age 18 would have been attracted to her at age 17.

I heard Ashton Kusher talking about Hilary Duff when she was 15. He talked about how all the guys in Hollywood were waiting for the day she turns 18. Same thing with Britney Spears. It was big news among celebs and fans when she turned 18. Why is this? Because they'd been pining over her since she first started singing as a high school girl.

Previous generations in the area I live in would get married and have children as teenagers. I know a police officer who is probably in his 70s now. He has been married a very long time and is a good bit older than his wife. He married her when he she was 13. This wasn't unusual for his generation

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to girls who are some years less than 18. You can't help it and all men are like this. You are doing the right thing by keeping your paws off of them, and that's the best that any of us can do. I am of the belief that it is wrong for adult men to have relationships with girls younger than 18, even when the age of consent is less (exceptions for guys that are 18 or 19 and are dating 16 year olds). This does nothing to change the fact that all (heterosexual) men find girls less than 18 years old attractive. Studies have shown this over and over.