snowbrand
no right words
- Sep 10, 2023
- 29
i've felt so lonely recently. i ran away from a majority of the spaces i'm involved in online and made a lot of people worry. i guess it makes sense. i used to play games with people and even made an effort to check in and keep up with people. i was engaged in their lives. i started realizing that other people actually do things. i don't know why, but it's hard for me to remember that other people are humans with their own emotions and experiences. i often feel disconnected from others, but sometimes, it gets so bad that i'm convinced nobody is real. then i start to think, maybe i'm not real. but i can feel my feelings and take notice of everything around me, so that convinces me that at least i can say i'm real to an extent. sometimes i think i'm in a big dream and i might not be able to wake up anymore. this is my life now.
a lot of people have been messaging me, asking how i'm doing. i haven't looked at any of those outside of the message previews in the notification center. that's proof that people worry, right? that they care at least a little? they think about me enough to send a message? i know all of these things are true, but i can't convince myself that any of them are being honest. i don't understand it, i can't. why do i think everyone is lying to me? i have no real way to gauge sincerity. i used to think that maybe i'm just a more action oriented person. actions speak louder than words and all that. i already know that people can say anything they want. i do that all the time. so i started looking for other things, like how people act, how they talk to me, how they talk to others. i'm still not convinced. actually, it upsets me that they talk to others.
who is "they?" anyone, really. anyone that i know, anyone that comes in contact with me. people online, coworkers, family. i want their attention and i feel bitter when i have to come to grips with the fact that i'm not the only person in the world that will receive their attention. i know it sounds insane. i know how i sound. i know it's not right. i know nothing i feel or think makes sense. i wish i could stop. it's been like this for a while, and i've noticed it getting worse and worse over time. i'm deteriorating.
i don't talk to anyone anymore. well, when i first ran away from things, the only people i spoke to were my immediate family and coworkers. sometimes my irl friends, but that comes down to 1 person when everyone goes back to their lives. now i talk to a single online friend more than anyone else, and somehow, i feel more lonely than ever. because when he goes offline, i realize just how friendless i am. whenever he's busy, i have nobody else to talk to. it especially sucks when i have energy to engage with others, when i actually want to talk people, but i can't. i'm in a prison of my own making. i crave isolation but hate when i'm lonely. that's stupid. i'm stupid.
i keep telling myself i'll make a comeback when i move out and start this new job, but lately, that's been feeling impossible. i stopped going to work recently. now i need to find some way to make money again, otherwise i won't be able to afford getting a place closer to my job. i'm supposed to start at the end of september or around the beginning of october, or so they've told me. so it's there. i did the work. i applied, got an interview, passed the background checks and initial physical exam. i've got a position secured. but the closer i get to september, the more i feel like the walls are closing in around me. i've never been independent. i'm still living with my parents at age 19. i got my license at 17 and my first job at 18. how pathetic can anyone get? i got such a late start and i couldn't even stay in school. i failed out like the idiot i am. now i've got student loans to cover, too. i need my own space or i'll end up killing myself. i think i'll kill myself anyway, regardless of whether or not i get my own place. if anything, that'll just speed things up.
but i guess that sums a lot of it up. my emotional decay stems from money troubles and being a failure in every aspect. i couldn't stay in school. i can't get a good job, i can't hold a job down for more than six months. i can't be a human. i hate that i never have an answer for why i act the way i do, why i feel the way i do, why i think the way i do. i've tried talking about things with a therapist, but it's just harm reduction. i self reflect a lot on my own, i don't need to pay a shrink to tell me things i already know. i feel so hopeless. there's no place in the world for me. i'm useless. i wish i had a firm purpose that i was sure of right off the bat, something i could work towards. i'm the kind of person that crumbles when given too many options. there's so much, i don't know what to pick, and i decide that nothing is better than having to settle on something. what if i don't like it? what if i regret it? what if i'm bad at it? "you'll never know unless you try." trying takes more energy than waking up already does.
every night, when i go to sleep, i hope i don't wake up. i want something bad to happen to me. but nothing ever does. why would it? i'm physically well, i have no health concerns. i live in a cul de sac, there aren't any registered criminals nearby trying to break in and murder me. i will never die in my sleep. it makes me sad to think about. sometimes i try to make bad things happen to myself. i notice i do that with a lot of things in a lot of areas of my life, even if the end result won't exactly be death. i accept al attention, good or bad, and it's mostly bad. i let people talk down to me and play along with it, even. i call people that want me dead my friends. i spend time and energy on people that will leave me the second i say i don't want to send them naked pictures. if i'm not pandering to vile people, i'm playing with my life. i overdose on otc meds and basically anything i can get my hands on. i've purchased cigarettes and vapes just for the hell of it. i don't care if it's addictive. i don't even have a real reason for using any of those things. i do because i can, and i don't even like it. it's disgusting. alcohol, smoking, pills, they're all disgusting. none of it ever makes me feel good. well, i do have a reason for the pills and alcohol. even if the after effects suck, i get to be mindless for a while. being unconscious for 48+ hours and brain fog for the next week beats having to think about anything. having to feel anything.
i wish i could do nothing. i don't know if i want to die. every attempt is preceded by fear. so i don't know if i want to kill myself. i just want to stop living. i don't want to exist. but the only way to achieve that is by dying, and that's a step i've failed to take. i'm such a flake. i can't even do this much. i know it would be a benefit to everyone that has to deal with me, and yet, i still can't. i'm selfish, even now. i'm sorry.
when i got suspended from my first job at mcdonald's for being late, when i was failing out of college and stopped going, i'd go out for long drives and pretend to be at school so my parents wouldn't ask me about it. i've been looking for places to die lately. a few days ago i drove around all day trying to find this pond i stumbled upon while out on another one of my drives last year, but i couldn't find it. i took a wrong turn somewhere along the way. i tried to remember the name of the pond and thought i'd gotten it right, only to find out upon arrival that it was, in fact, not the right pond and was actually on a trail that only started from someone's backyard. i didn't go. on my way back home, i found another pond and stopped there, but i encountered two issues: one, i'd forgotten my blade, so i couldn't kill myself even if i wanted to, and two, there were old men fishing there and i didn't want to have my body decaying in the same parking lot as senior citizens enjoying their retirement. my plan was a bust. i couldn't help but laugh at the fact that i'd failed to bring my main method. all i had with me were pills, and i knew those wouldn't kill me. i didn't want to vomit and be incapacitated in a random state hours from my house, so i just turned around and went home.
i even went to church after that. i'd been planning on killing myself before i had to go to church and hang out with friends after, but i didn't. another failure. so i went to church like the poser i am and drew the whole time, surrounded by my family and devout believers that i had no business being around. you can tell how things went from there. i'm basically unemployed again. i'm waiting for the email that tells me i'm fired and that i should not come back. i keep thinking i should send an email saying i quit before that happens just so i can say i technically didn't get fired, but i haven't done that. i do that a lot. think about stuff i should do and stress over it and let it make me feel suicidal rather than doing anything about it. i have no source of income. i don't know if getting another job is worth the hassle if i'm only going to be there for less than 3 months. as it stands, i'm stuck looking for ways to kill myself. i feel like my world is ending, but i know it's not. i feel like this is the only way. now or never. i have to kill myself before i get another text from my employers giving me a solid start date. i can't do this anymore. i have to find a way out. i can't stay trapped here and i know i won't be able to move out. the only option is ending my life.
it's getting harder to cut myself because my parents keep taking my blades. i don't want to cut on my thigh anymore, my arm keeps calling to me. i did a lot during my last "relapse" (is it a relapse if you never intended to quit anyway? i just get lazy.) but i still want to do more so badly. i keep thinking of stabbing myself in the stomach, i imagine it often. i really want to end up in the hospital, maybe then i'll feel less like a poser because i actually got into a life threatening situation. whatever. i'm going to take a lot of dxm now. the last od didn't do anything to me which was surprising because when i took less before that i was trying to rip my skin off. i'll try again. if it works i'll feel sick and be out of it for nearly a week.
night.
a lot of people have been messaging me, asking how i'm doing. i haven't looked at any of those outside of the message previews in the notification center. that's proof that people worry, right? that they care at least a little? they think about me enough to send a message? i know all of these things are true, but i can't convince myself that any of them are being honest. i don't understand it, i can't. why do i think everyone is lying to me? i have no real way to gauge sincerity. i used to think that maybe i'm just a more action oriented person. actions speak louder than words and all that. i already know that people can say anything they want. i do that all the time. so i started looking for other things, like how people act, how they talk to me, how they talk to others. i'm still not convinced. actually, it upsets me that they talk to others.
who is "they?" anyone, really. anyone that i know, anyone that comes in contact with me. people online, coworkers, family. i want their attention and i feel bitter when i have to come to grips with the fact that i'm not the only person in the world that will receive their attention. i know it sounds insane. i know how i sound. i know it's not right. i know nothing i feel or think makes sense. i wish i could stop. it's been like this for a while, and i've noticed it getting worse and worse over time. i'm deteriorating.
i don't talk to anyone anymore. well, when i first ran away from things, the only people i spoke to were my immediate family and coworkers. sometimes my irl friends, but that comes down to 1 person when everyone goes back to their lives. now i talk to a single online friend more than anyone else, and somehow, i feel more lonely than ever. because when he goes offline, i realize just how friendless i am. whenever he's busy, i have nobody else to talk to. it especially sucks when i have energy to engage with others, when i actually want to talk people, but i can't. i'm in a prison of my own making. i crave isolation but hate when i'm lonely. that's stupid. i'm stupid.
i keep telling myself i'll make a comeback when i move out and start this new job, but lately, that's been feeling impossible. i stopped going to work recently. now i need to find some way to make money again, otherwise i won't be able to afford getting a place closer to my job. i'm supposed to start at the end of september or around the beginning of october, or so they've told me. so it's there. i did the work. i applied, got an interview, passed the background checks and initial physical exam. i've got a position secured. but the closer i get to september, the more i feel like the walls are closing in around me. i've never been independent. i'm still living with my parents at age 19. i got my license at 17 and my first job at 18. how pathetic can anyone get? i got such a late start and i couldn't even stay in school. i failed out like the idiot i am. now i've got student loans to cover, too. i need my own space or i'll end up killing myself. i think i'll kill myself anyway, regardless of whether or not i get my own place. if anything, that'll just speed things up.
but i guess that sums a lot of it up. my emotional decay stems from money troubles and being a failure in every aspect. i couldn't stay in school. i can't get a good job, i can't hold a job down for more than six months. i can't be a human. i hate that i never have an answer for why i act the way i do, why i feel the way i do, why i think the way i do. i've tried talking about things with a therapist, but it's just harm reduction. i self reflect a lot on my own, i don't need to pay a shrink to tell me things i already know. i feel so hopeless. there's no place in the world for me. i'm useless. i wish i had a firm purpose that i was sure of right off the bat, something i could work towards. i'm the kind of person that crumbles when given too many options. there's so much, i don't know what to pick, and i decide that nothing is better than having to settle on something. what if i don't like it? what if i regret it? what if i'm bad at it? "you'll never know unless you try." trying takes more energy than waking up already does.
every night, when i go to sleep, i hope i don't wake up. i want something bad to happen to me. but nothing ever does. why would it? i'm physically well, i have no health concerns. i live in a cul de sac, there aren't any registered criminals nearby trying to break in and murder me. i will never die in my sleep. it makes me sad to think about. sometimes i try to make bad things happen to myself. i notice i do that with a lot of things in a lot of areas of my life, even if the end result won't exactly be death. i accept al attention, good or bad, and it's mostly bad. i let people talk down to me and play along with it, even. i call people that want me dead my friends. i spend time and energy on people that will leave me the second i say i don't want to send them naked pictures. if i'm not pandering to vile people, i'm playing with my life. i overdose on otc meds and basically anything i can get my hands on. i've purchased cigarettes and vapes just for the hell of it. i don't care if it's addictive. i don't even have a real reason for using any of those things. i do because i can, and i don't even like it. it's disgusting. alcohol, smoking, pills, they're all disgusting. none of it ever makes me feel good. well, i do have a reason for the pills and alcohol. even if the after effects suck, i get to be mindless for a while. being unconscious for 48+ hours and brain fog for the next week beats having to think about anything. having to feel anything.
i wish i could do nothing. i don't know if i want to die. every attempt is preceded by fear. so i don't know if i want to kill myself. i just want to stop living. i don't want to exist. but the only way to achieve that is by dying, and that's a step i've failed to take. i'm such a flake. i can't even do this much. i know it would be a benefit to everyone that has to deal with me, and yet, i still can't. i'm selfish, even now. i'm sorry.
when i got suspended from my first job at mcdonald's for being late, when i was failing out of college and stopped going, i'd go out for long drives and pretend to be at school so my parents wouldn't ask me about it. i've been looking for places to die lately. a few days ago i drove around all day trying to find this pond i stumbled upon while out on another one of my drives last year, but i couldn't find it. i took a wrong turn somewhere along the way. i tried to remember the name of the pond and thought i'd gotten it right, only to find out upon arrival that it was, in fact, not the right pond and was actually on a trail that only started from someone's backyard. i didn't go. on my way back home, i found another pond and stopped there, but i encountered two issues: one, i'd forgotten my blade, so i couldn't kill myself even if i wanted to, and two, there were old men fishing there and i didn't want to have my body decaying in the same parking lot as senior citizens enjoying their retirement. my plan was a bust. i couldn't help but laugh at the fact that i'd failed to bring my main method. all i had with me were pills, and i knew those wouldn't kill me. i didn't want to vomit and be incapacitated in a random state hours from my house, so i just turned around and went home.
i even went to church after that. i'd been planning on killing myself before i had to go to church and hang out with friends after, but i didn't. another failure. so i went to church like the poser i am and drew the whole time, surrounded by my family and devout believers that i had no business being around. you can tell how things went from there. i'm basically unemployed again. i'm waiting for the email that tells me i'm fired and that i should not come back. i keep thinking i should send an email saying i quit before that happens just so i can say i technically didn't get fired, but i haven't done that. i do that a lot. think about stuff i should do and stress over it and let it make me feel suicidal rather than doing anything about it. i have no source of income. i don't know if getting another job is worth the hassle if i'm only going to be there for less than 3 months. as it stands, i'm stuck looking for ways to kill myself. i feel like my world is ending, but i know it's not. i feel like this is the only way. now or never. i have to kill myself before i get another text from my employers giving me a solid start date. i can't do this anymore. i have to find a way out. i can't stay trapped here and i know i won't be able to move out. the only option is ending my life.
it's getting harder to cut myself because my parents keep taking my blades. i don't want to cut on my thigh anymore, my arm keeps calling to me. i did a lot during my last "relapse" (is it a relapse if you never intended to quit anyway? i just get lazy.) but i still want to do more so badly. i keep thinking of stabbing myself in the stomach, i imagine it often. i really want to end up in the hospital, maybe then i'll feel less like a poser because i actually got into a life threatening situation. whatever. i'm going to take a lot of dxm now. the last od didn't do anything to me which was surprising because when i took less before that i was trying to rip my skin off. i'll try again. if it works i'll feel sick and be out of it for nearly a week.
night.
