XxEstenxX
A Borderline is speaking. Listen and Learn.
- Feb 10, 2026
- 8
I love to torture myself. I follow artists online, knowing that all I'll do whenever I see their art is envy them. Always. And it causes me to spiral—always.
I could've had that life. I could've been a good artist, had all the attention and love from online people, felt validated and alive because of that attention, start commissions and earn money, not having to worry about getting a traditional career or going to college...
Instead, I just had to be unintelligent and untalented.
I started drawing in 4th grade, and I made little to no progress from then to the end of highschool. I eventually gave up on art entirely. No amount of practicing and looking up tutorials and spending hours drawing and all the damn classes I took in school meant a damn thing in the end.
I hate when people dont realize that talent does exist. Not everyone can do the same thing as someone else can, not everyone progresses the same. All of our brains are built different. My brain just happens to be one of the slowest :) so I cant achieve shit in life no matter how hard I try. It's frustrating. Seeing people my age or younger achieve what I could only dream to...its a sad existence.
I've been feeling like I'm just an NPC lately. Like Im destined to just be some freak people look at, but dont actually interact with. No matter what I post about online no one really cares. There are people in fandoms who dont post any art or fanfiction and still have mutuals or moots commenting on their posts everyday. Why cant I have that too? What am I doing wrong? Is there just something inherently bad about me that people who aren't even attached and know nothing about me dont like and avoid? I cant believe I'm outcasted both irl and online...
I had someone suddenly reach out to me last night at like 5a.m. saying they wanted to be friends with me for awhile and had the confidence to finally reach out to me. We talked, it seemed hopeful, but I've heard nothing from them since then. Its been 10 hours now. Do you see what I mean? I just cant be happy. Its like I dont deserve to be happy. I just want to fucking die. I cant do this shit anymore, but I'm too much of a coward to do anything. I've been in this shitty loop since I was 12 and now I'll be 20 in two days and nothings changed since then. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I could've had that life. I could've been a good artist, had all the attention and love from online people, felt validated and alive because of that attention, start commissions and earn money, not having to worry about getting a traditional career or going to college...
Instead, I just had to be unintelligent and untalented.
I started drawing in 4th grade, and I made little to no progress from then to the end of highschool. I eventually gave up on art entirely. No amount of practicing and looking up tutorials and spending hours drawing and all the damn classes I took in school meant a damn thing in the end.
I hate when people dont realize that talent does exist. Not everyone can do the same thing as someone else can, not everyone progresses the same. All of our brains are built different. My brain just happens to be one of the slowest :) so I cant achieve shit in life no matter how hard I try. It's frustrating. Seeing people my age or younger achieve what I could only dream to...its a sad existence.
I've been feeling like I'm just an NPC lately. Like Im destined to just be some freak people look at, but dont actually interact with. No matter what I post about online no one really cares. There are people in fandoms who dont post any art or fanfiction and still have mutuals or moots commenting on their posts everyday. Why cant I have that too? What am I doing wrong? Is there just something inherently bad about me that people who aren't even attached and know nothing about me dont like and avoid? I cant believe I'm outcasted both irl and online...
I had someone suddenly reach out to me last night at like 5a.m. saying they wanted to be friends with me for awhile and had the confidence to finally reach out to me. We talked, it seemed hopeful, but I've heard nothing from them since then. Its been 10 hours now. Do you see what I mean? I just cant be happy. Its like I dont deserve to be happy. I just want to fucking die. I cant do this shit anymore, but I'm too much of a coward to do anything. I've been in this shitty loop since I was 12 and now I'll be 20 in two days and nothings changed since then. I just don't know what to do anymore.
