I had a few episodes of explosive rage when I was on some SSRIs. My brain is back to normal now (took at least half a year to recover from the SSRIs, lmfao at psychiatry) so I'm no longer able to throw tantrums. It's funny since during the rage episodes I was unable to feel pain, my hands would be bleeding from the tantrum but you just don't feel any pain. The empathy is also completely removed due to the demonic pills, I believe many school shooters were on SSRIs. When it comes to being able to ctb I think berserker rage and SSRIs might actually be helpful since you can't feel pain, fear or empathy.
I very rarely get angry nowadays, maybe annoyed at some breeder refusing to take responsibility or slightly annoyed at my parents for not using a condom. I can work myself up into a rage fairly easily since I've identified and can press all of my "buttons", so I guess that's what I gained from the SSRI use
I hate that this so called vaccine will made mandatory, and I will have to put god knows what in my body, when doctors have different opinions about it's effect on the virus.
I woke up with so much anxiety. I could barely force myself to eat breakfast, and then I layed on my bed for a long time staring at the wall. Then I went out to shovel our sidewalks and for some reason while I was out there I became angry. The anxiety was still there, but I was also pissed off at everyone and everything. I started thinking about ctb and how I want certain people to be held accountable and pay for things they did. I will do what I can to make that happen.
So I decided to go to sleep early. I was already in bed at 21:30, usually I only manage to do that after midnight.
Almost 6 hours later I'm still awake. Guess I'm skipping school tomorrow. Once again.
Like...I'm sleep deprived. Haven't had a good sleep schedule in 3 years, and it doesn't look like that will change if I keep getting kicked in the face by this kind of bullshit.
It comes and it goes. For the most part I simply feel empty. Overall however, I'd consider myself an emotionally unstable person. It sucks, but even the most trivial things can get me ridiculously fired up some days. I also never handle myself well while under pressure. Not only that, but, deep down, I've developed a strong undercurrent of general hatefulness towards both myself and the world at large. Having said that, I am what I am. It's just that what I am isn't very good. In other words, a mentally ill trainwreck of putrid toxicity who is, at this point, probably beyond any kind of help, or chance of ever being loved. I really don't know if this make me a bad person, or not. Although, I think it's safe to say, that it probably does. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I became the malignantly negative creature I am now. No one will, or could ever love someone like me for what I am. Just like how no one will ever love a barrel of radioactive sludge. I look in the mirror and all I see is a normal looking guy staring back at me. Behind my eyes however, there's a profound and bottomless pit of ugliness. Even a character like Quasimodo, beneath his many physical disfigurements, had a kind heart and a warm soul. Me though? What do I have underneath it all, but an acidic pool of bile covered over with darkness? What character would I be? I really don't know.
If I had to nail it down though, let's say a mixture of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast combined with Frankenstein's monster. That's about as dubious a cocktail of negative traits I can think of. All the anger and confusion of the monster, mixed with the self-absorbed narcissism of an insufferable blowhard. Let's also say that their differing looks basically cancelled each other out, resulting in an otherwise average appearance. A mish-mashed character that is both deeply pitiable and infinitely unlikable in equal measure. A strange mutant that will never be free of itself, nor ever know what it is like to be loved, or to feel love in return. Like the monster at the end of Frankenstein, my fate has been one of misery and sorrow. All that's left is an endurance of my horrible self, this lowly monster I've now become, and the eventual suicide that, I can only hope, will one day arrive to set me free from myself, instead of having to meekly keep on waiting for nature to do it for me.
Also, just as an aside, but the monster from Mary Shelley's original book, and the more famous/widely known monster from the black and white film, are two very different entities. The monster in the film is largely misunderstood, whereas the monster in the book carries out a rather heinous amount of misdeeds. The monster in the book develops a deep anger and hatred of the world and of his creator, borne from an otherwise deep loneliness and an inability to ever be happy. It vows to destroy his creator's life and to kill his loved ones for the sake of revenge at the crime of having been created it in the first place. In the end, the creature gets its revenge, but finds itself utterly alone and remarks on suffering a depth of misery beyond which he could have ever inflicted on his creator. When all's said and done, the creature simply decides to kill itself and be rid of the world forever, as it floats away on a solitary sheet of ice into the dead of night.
Rage... any anger i ever have turns inwards towards myself, i think i'm incapable of being angry with anyone except myself. I can't even hate my abusers- or be angry with my rapists.
A couple of days ago while I was working outside some lady almost hit me with her car trying to get into a parking spot. She only stopped inches of hitting me. When I saw her again, she asked why I threw a dirty look at her and I said, "You almost hit me with your car!" She said she didn't which is a bunch of BS and even if it wasn't inches and it was more of a foot or two, she was going way too fast in a parking lot, and then she had the gall to double down and go to the manager and complain about my "rude behavior" and me being a "little boy". Whatever lady. The manager thankfully took my side, though the lady doesn't know that.
I'm not sure what will happen if I see her again or if she'll have the memory to remember me, but she'll probably do the same exact thing and someone outside doing my job might not be so fortunate.
I hit the gym and since my grip hadn't recovered fully I only wanted to bench or do some other stuff that doesn't require gripping. After a warm-up set this guy, maybe my age, asks how much I have left. I'm not one of those guys bringing a clipboard and a lab-coat to the gym so I tell him idk. Apparently my death-wish somehow seeped out of my eyes (they look weird somehow a few hours after I've been crying). I didn't feel angry or anything but the underlying rage must have somehow jumped at him anyway. He started literally shaking and quickly ended the conversation with some nonsensical sentences with a trembling voice (despite me politely offering to increase my weights to get done faster) and went all the way to the other side of the gym.
I'm not happy about it at all, wish I had good and positive relationships with guys at the gym. I'll try to appear more friendly and maybe smile the next time someone talks to me at the gym. What was weird was that he became really scared about two seconds after he, himself, had initiated the conversation. I think maybe he thought that since he looked in pretty good shape that I would get scared or show respect or something despite being twice his size? I'm not in bad shape either, I look way better than I should considering basically being a n00b in the gym lol.
I want to die, fuck this planet, I wish no one gave birth to me, I'll never find a woman who will love me, etc.
Oh, so apparently my little sister is homeschooled now. Because going to school and interacting with teachers was "too stressful" for her. They were pressuring her and my mother was bothered it might affect her sefl-esteem.
This is the same woman that:
1) Did fuck all after a school counsellor repeatedly asked her to talk about my issues and me needing serious help when I was about 10
2) Did fuck all when a school counsellor insisted that she should transfer me to a different school because my bullying situation was so bad they were worried I might harm myself or others a few years later
4) Did fuck all when she began to receive doctor notes about how I need serious help
3) Refused to come to school over genuine physical health concerns I had, instead telling me to skip class if I have to and not bother her
4) Refused to come to school over any concerns my teachers raised including that one time when they told her I tried to hang myself in the school bathroom and she told them to call her back if I succeed and hung up
5) Did fuck all even when I came back home with a broken arm in a cast, because my classmate slammed a metal door on it
6) Refused to come to school when I cut myself so bad they had to call an ambulance for me
7) Sent me right back to the same high school after I almost CTB'd to the point when my heart actually stopped, and then spent three months in a mental health institution without as much as asking what happened.
I dare you, I fucking dare you to tell me parents love all of their children the same. It's stupid to be almost 30 and this salty over my mom not loving me, but oh man. Good thing I'll be out of this world by the time she grows old and my precious sister will be the only one who'll be stuck taking care of mom.
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I had to go to the psych ward due to a drug-induced psychosis, got out really fast because I got a rights advisor, so I was still not out of the psychosis. At this point, my ex provided me more drugs so I went more psychotic.
Then after I finally got out of my psychosis, he refused to let me pack my own belongings from his house to move out. He packed them for me. He conveniently forgot a glass vase and a shoe rack which I'm still bitter about to this day.
Then he didn't reply to my attempt at getting closure.
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Stupid mosquitoes. I'm sick of waking up at night and having to start a hunt. I'm going to reincarnate into a lizard and I'm going to be the fattest lizard on the planet because I'm going to eat all the stupid mosquitoes that exists.
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Stupid fucking fridge gives me a static shock EVERYTIME I touch the bastard. I'd throw the thing out the window if I wasn't so feeble. Think I'll create a vortex to the annoying cunt universe and wobble it into that. Piece of crap.
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I'll secretly be salty about my parents giving birth to me and leaving me in kindergarten at age one until I die. They've always loved me but they were too stupid and lacklustre to make me strong enough for this psychologically harsh world.
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I'll secretly be salty about my parents giving birth to me and leaving me in kindergarten at age one until I die. They've always loved me but they were too stupid and lacklustre to make me strong enough for this psychologically harsh world.
That sounds harsh, man. Being abandoned as a toddler has lifelong effect, so that's understandable. I guess just loving your kid is not always enough?
Anyway, you have a perfectly valid reason to be mad at them.
I just want to watch some anime like in the good times while I'm extremely high on depressants, and I don't feel like reading subtitles. But noooo, these dubbing companies apparently have the need to be so fucking bad that it's embarrassing, and I'm talking both in english and spanish.
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As a longtime fan of the Game Grumps, I'm just so goddamn upset at what happened to one of the members. I used to hate Dan for replacing Jontron but I've long since come to appreciate Dan for who he is: just a simple guy who doesn't know much about games because he's in his 40s which makes his reactions to things so genuine.
On Sunday some fucking genius decides to go post supposed allegations saying that she was groomed by him with supposed "video evidence" and text screenshots. Naturally Twitter being as rational and sensible as always, got to work trying to tear him down (he thankfully has no social media presence but his friends could definitely have told him why people suddenly hate him).
At first I thought why does this keep happening with people I look up to? Back in July when all the competitive smash players were getting exposed (with varying levels of guilt) for sexual misconduct I was so fucking done with the world. Why do influential people keep getting themselves into these situations when they're true and when they're not true, why do jealous fucking haters keep trying to make up this kind of shit about anybody they just want to take down? I hate how you can just breathe the word pedophile and suddenly idiots on Twitter will attack anyone like rabid, starving dogs on a crippled squirrel.
As for the Dan situation? Yeah big fucking surprise: completely made up. The fabrication was done by one female fan who was never actually groomed. She basically stalked him for his number before she was 18 where all he says is happy birthday because she's a fan. Then years later when she's 22, aka AN ADULT, she basically urges him into a one night stand. He ghosted her since then probably because she made him uncomfortable. This is not the predatory kind of behavior people are making it out to be and yet this clarification wasn't trending and people still assume he's some kind of pedophile groomer and a creep. Fuck. Why can't this shit happen more to people I actually hate?
If this had been real though, I probably would have been prepared to die on this hill for this man I've never met who just made me laugh a bunch of times. I fucking hate that my mind always has more sympathy for the accused in these situations. I wanna be part of the fucking mob for once. I want to be a normie who can throw aside all rational judgment just to bandwagon on hating someone in the name of social justice. Am I too smart or too evil? No way am I fucking smart I guess. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Why am I always on the wrong side of these things I can't help the way I feel why do people have to do this just for attention? The girl fucking admitted she just did this for attention! What a fucking bitch. No wonder he left you. God, if I ever gain even a small amount of notoriety what would stop me from doing horrendous things probably absolutely nothing. I'm not attracted to kids at all but I can see myself getting tricked like what happened to one smash player. Anti is exactly my age and he apparently slept with a 16 year old girl but he had tons of proof that she lied about her age the whole way through and she clearly looked like an adult at 16 yet the mob doesn't care, they just see AGE DIFFERENCE and then turn into rambling virtue signalers again call the police on these sexual predators! Oh wait the same police you assume are all bastards? I fucking hate Twitter so much but I can't leave because I get all my news, Lucina pictures, and memes from there but these stupid mobs with a bloodlust for celebrities just keep going on trying to take down their next victims who all seem to happen to be people I admire for some reason.
What does that say about me? Am I only sympathetic because I'm doomed to become one if I achieve my lofty dreams of making a living by playing games? The only way to do that is by being famous but being famous opens you up to getting canceled and even if you do nothing wrong people still fucking gun for your spot because they become jealous of your success. God fuck people like this. Just like all the dumbass communists/socialists in California. I know there's a difference but these idiots sure don't seem to. They'll shit on Russia manipulating Us elections yet praise Soviet Russia and Cuba or Venezuela of all fucking places get your heads out of your ass just because Elon Musk makes money doesn't mean you should be encouraged for being jealous of his wealth. God I don't even like Jeff Bezos, I fucking hate him and the Amazon company but his $200 billion net worth isn't fucking liquid he can't actually pay for your student loans! Don't you idiots realize net worth is just a fake number that means about as much as Twitter followers? Actually! That's probably why these brainless sheep can't even comprehend that a lot of his money doesn't actually exist in a form that can help you or anyone suffering or even himself. Jesus fucking Christ and these commie idiots always have to say they only care about "the working class" no you fucking don't. You just want free money and you don't want to work for it. That's perfectly fine! I do too! But just fucking admit it. Admit that you're jealous of peoples' wealth don't try to disguise it with these fake ass fucking noble intentions. You don't give two shits about oppressed minorities or poverty. People in oppressed minorities living in poverty don't actually give a shit about other people like that, they care about themselves which they need to do for survival. These fucking cancerous ideals are taking over and I fucking hate it. I don't want to live in a world where everyone's subservient to the feelings of over sensitive jerks with an agenda. Get me the fuck out of here.
I hit the gym and since my grip hadn't recovered fully I only wanted to bench or do some other stuff that doesn't require gripping. After a warm-up set this guy, maybe my age, asks how much I have left. I'm not one of those guys bringing a clipboard and a lab-coat to the gym so I tell him idk.
Best thing to do is say "do you want to just jump in?" This is great when you're doing a lot more than the other guy, because you have to pull the weights off after all your sets. If you really want to fuck with them, offer a spot, even for their warmup weights.
Why does YouTube keep deleting people's videos of the video game soundtracks that have been uploaded? Especially ones from playlists I've made. Now I have to go find other versions of that for people and they can't be extended because people bitch too much about extended music ugh. I just want YouTube to stop deleting these soundtracks.
Can somebody tell me what I can watch on YouTube so that the videos don't contain hateful political crap and watching them doesn't result in hateful political crap popping up in my recommendations? I unsubscibed from everyone, cleared my watch history and now I am pretty much limiting myself to musical playlists and cute animal videos and I still bump into toxic cancel culture bullshit. Seriously, YouTube, why does your algorythm love this BS so much?
Can somebody tell me what I can watch on YouTube so that the videos don't contain hateful political crap and watching them doesn't result in hateful political crap popping up in my recommendations? I unsubscibed from everyone, cleared my watch history and now I am pretty much limiting myself to musical playlists and cute animal videos and I still bump into toxic cancel culture bullshit. Seriously, YouTube, why does your algorythm love this BS so much?
Usually the only way I can get one type of video out of my recommendations is to watch nothing but a completely different type of video for a while until only THAT gets recommended. Even so that tactic still takes maybe a few days unfortunately and you kind of have to watch them in full to make YouTube think you like them enough... Hope that helps!
So, this totally sounds like a first world problem, but why is it that my stupid roommate won't go home ever? Every weekend I either go visit my parents or stay at this apartment, and I try to schedule my visits so that whenever I stay here, he goes home. But he's been here for many weeks in a row now. Like goddammit can you give me some alone time please? I love to be alone, and now I haven't been able to for a fucking month or so. Let me. Spend a weekend. Alone.
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